Thursday, July 21, 2011

What to do

Something has come up in recent months, where I find myself in the position of liking many, many people I meet for the first time, and wanting to be friends with them, but it's never just friends. If they're good-looking, or kind, or if they stand out to me in a certain way - I fall for them. Not obsessively, not possessively, but in a way where I find myself talking to them constantly throughout the day. Where whenever we hang out, it feels like we've known each other for lifetimes, and we'll swear that this is something truly special.

It is. And these connections are strong ones at that, so I feel. It's likely that they will last a long time, given the chance to grow. 

So what's the problem? The problem is, many of these same people want to be in a relationship with me. It's like some magnetic force I have that I can't really turn off or on at will. it just happens. 

I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. Quite the opposite - I wish I could clone myself so that I could be with all of them. I wish I could say I'm attached to all of them, because in my mind, I am, and in equal measures for everyone involved.

So what can I do? I can't exactly say "Sorry, i'm not ready to commit" because that would be shallow and hurtful. That's not even what i'm trying to say: I WANT to say: "Can we see where this goes without being exclusive?" 

This is the difference between the two messages: I DO want to commit. To all of them. So if there was any way I could do that, to tell them how I feel - what my intentions are - I would.

What to do... what to do? I love all of them. 

I love all of you

Friday, July 15, 2011

I refuse

I refuse to regret my actions, no matter what they be.

I refuse to dwell in the past as a replacement for living in the present.

I refuse to let myself bear a grudge against anyone. I would rather reconcile with them.

I refuse to limit myself in any way, shape or form. I will challenge myself to improve physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will meet these challenges head on.

I refuse to listen to those who would tell me "You can't do this", or "You mustn't do that."

I refuse to be distracted from my end goals.

I refuse to turn my back on my friends, come what may. They are family to me.

I refuse to sit idle and wish for the future to happen: I will make my own future.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I stumbled across this recently: thought you guys might find it interesting

Current as of mid-2010, buuut that's what you get for free ;)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The journey begins anew, following right on the hells of another

Calm settles here once again;
an old, beloved, friend not seen often enough.
Its mere presence makes me complete.
No rushing, no urges, no tension whatsoever.
It is the integral of happiness.
I care not how long it stays,
for the memory itself remains etched in my mind
among the few things I recollect well.

Experience brings with it a sense of validation,
who in turn invites reconciliation and bonding to the party.
The result? More than one person this week left here
with a greater sense of self than before.


/////

 Guess what?
They all do it! WE all do it!
We/they talk about you behind your back
to find out your secrets, your desires;
so what?
They still don't know you
 and never will.
 Cut through our bullshit, I DARE you.
Stop limiting yourself because you fear us;
the accusers.
We are your fans, your friends, your family and foes.
We're not about to leave anytime soon.
USE us. We're here to help!
Even if it isn't obvious at first glance.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Thoughts and poems from Paris

Scent of rose and orchids drift
on sunlit breezes
from aged, and youthful, hair.

Even the great cities must come to rest
when all the wine has been drunk
and all the revelers have found their fill
of food and femmes.
As the sun rises, so do we from our slumber
to do it all over again
in as many ways, in as many venues,
as we may dare to think of.

This was the first time I'd visited the Old World since I was a toddler. As such, there was MUCH about the people, the culture, the food, and even the laws, that was fundamentally different from ours in the United States.

Every European I met had a decidedly smaller range of displayed emotions. What I mean by that is, no woman I saw on this trip ever cried in public, ever screamed at their boyfriends and husbands. No man I met on this trip was ever louder than an 'indoor voice,' or even deigned to display facial expressiveness for that matter (except for a comedian we went to see). In fact, when I had the opportunity to speak with a Norwegian/British international on the flight home, the man confided to me that Americans are seen on the international stage as bipolar: over-the-top friendly in amicable settings, and downright evil in unfriendly settings. We, I, are guided in public by our emotions. Europeans, it would seem, are guided by rules of politesse.

Buildings in Paris are different from those in New York in three ways; 1. They're quite a bit older, by a few centuries at least. 2. They're much shorter - every building in the city was under six stories tall, except for the Centre Pompidou, their museum of modern art. 3. They are designed with the goal of aesthetics in mind - beauty over utility. The Sacre Coeur basilica, the Notre Dame cathedral, the Centre Pompidou, the Pantheon, the Tuileries. Even the everyday apartment buildings and restaurants we'd pass by were perfectly shaped and decorated so as to match the 18th/early 19th century theme of the overall city.

Food. How much food do you eat in a given day? In Paris, breakfast is a small pastry, a piece of fruit, and coffee - in various combinations - every day. Lunch is a light soup or sandwich followed by a glass or two of wine. Dinner, although it's their biggest meal, is never big enough to make you feel completely full. That's a GOOD thing, and it's done for a specific reason; the food they eat is incredibly dense in calories. By keeping their portions under control, they can eat that way every day without ever getting fat. Does it work? YES. We didn't see a SINGLE obese French person during the entire trip. In fact, the only overweight people we saw were either from Spain or the U.S.

Lastly, their public transit system. The cars are big and spacious, rarely full, impeccably clean (no litter in sight), and comparatively devoid of panhandlers. More than that, it is extensive enough and fast enough to match the efficacy of renting or owning a car there. Traffic is even worse than that of New York, thanks to an utter LACK of urban planning, so nine times out of ten the metro is a safer bet.

So what did I DO there? I saw, but didn't go inside, both Notre Dame and Sacre Coeur. I went inside the Pantheon and saw the graves of Emile Zola, Victor Hugo, Moliere and Braille (yes, that Braille). I went to a comedy show staged by a Parisian that made fun of Parisians and Americans alike. I sat in Cafes and talked for hours with my mother (the sponsor of this trip) about everything under the sun, and wrote when there was time. I learned to appreciate good wine and scotch, but decided to never become a connoisseur. I bought some outstanding clothes from the Gallery Lafayette - the world's biggest department store. I discovered that French desserts are even better than French cheeses, and that they know how to satisfy a sweet tooth. I was cut off from cell phone and internet communication the whole time, but even so it was one of the best experiences of my life. I got so much practice in French that, by the end of the trip, I could have a fifteen minute conversation with my taxi driver debating the relative merits of Paris and New York. Even better, I can now read French newspapers (La Croix, Le Monde, Le Figaro) and magazines in French (national geographic) almost as fast as I can read in English.

What did I learn from all of this?

1. In the realms of cuisine, public transit, and social graces, it is better to use the refined style of the European.
2. In the realms of business, industry and creativity, it is essential to remain American (or German, as it may). Why? Because otherwise you and your community will quickly start to trend towards socialist policies, which result in economic STAGNATION.
3. Secondhand smoke won't kill you. Every Parisian smokes, and when you're there, you will inhale a lot of that smoke. It has absolutely no effect on your day-to-day health, and it kind of smells good.
4. Bravery isn't the same thing as being fearless. Bravery means doing something EVEN THOUGH you're terrified of doing it.
5. Europeans tend to drink daily over two out of three meals. If you're a teenager, you can do the same so long as you go about it like an adult: know your limits. Don't be loud, don't be crass, and be careful with your sense of coordination.
6. Business class flights are several times more enjoyable than economy class flights. Even so, sleep is all but impossible.

And lastly, if you want to get someone a good gift from your trip abroad, DON'T buy from a tourist shop! Museum gift shops sell better, higher-quality products.