Monday, October 24, 2011

In Retrospect



I can't say I was surprised by what happened this weekend. I ran off to Winchester, Virginia to meet someone whose personality matches that of Janice from the Rabbit novels, spending all of my money in the process, then discovering that the spark between us had disappeared. She had found it in a man closer to home. Ca marche... it happens. To be honest, I ought to thank her for what took place. I know that it was mostly my fault, and I take that blame eagerly. Because when you're two hundred miles from home, cold, with no food in your stomach, you know that it's high time you grew up. That while your family can & will help you through the worst of times, the only person who will ultimately determine your future is you.

So no, I'm not mad that we're no longer together. Just numb. And before one asks about why I'd do something this dumb, remember; there have been crazier things done in the pursuit of love. Now that I've seen my craziness, I will never do something like that again.

It's just not worth it. No one is.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Wisdom of Crowds

So it's the 21st century, the sexual revolution is hopping like it's going out of style, the LGBT culture is getting it on and putting itself out there in society, and by all counts you'd think we're all happier for it. Right?

WRONG. The Sex and the City, The Bachelorette, and the recent glut of reality shows and social networking sites are contributing to what i'd like to call "The Starving Times." More than ever before, people aren't starting and building long-term relationships, ARE itchy with their divorce trigger fingers, and are actively working to stay single in order to search for "Mr. Right." The result? Most people, in big cities and small towns alike, are having less sex than at any other period in history. When they do have sex, the encounters are usually one night stands that end in shame and soul-wrenching ickyness. But i'm just saying that because i'm a prude, right? I've never been part of that scene before, so what the hell do I know?

I know that in the first month of living at NYU, there was not a single male-female interaction I observed that EVER progressed beyond a one night stand. That goes for me, my roommate, the other students on my floor and the extended circle of friends I made during welcome week. In fact, most of that crowd who I talked with often confided that they were lonely. It's plain to see why; people want stability in their lives. More than anything, what makes them happy is a mostly predictable lifestyle. That goes for one's home (waking up in the same bed every morning), one's friends (being able to confide the deepest secrets you have with long-time friends. Building memories with them), and one's love interests.

Well, in a long-drawn-out process, I discovered the answer to these common woes. A long-term relationship is more fulfilling, physically and emotionally, than any grey-area fling that my generation (and the current twentysomething crowd) seems to find so endearing. So: thanks for your advice, Cosmo, but I think i'll do the grown-up thing and stick with one girl. It worked out for every generation before the 1960's, and it can certainly work now.

I LOL at bachelors.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

End of the line

I thought this was going to be it. I thought I'd grow up, work gradually towards those moments of exhilaration, fall in love and learn all about the world that I ever wanted to know. I thought I would become more of an adult.

In reality, this place is slowly killing me. Physically and emotionally, my life is making its way out of my body.

I tried. I really did. But my best isn't good enough anymore. It's time for someone else to pick up the torch and carry it; my work is done.

I don't know what to do anymore. I will sleep, hoping that tomorrow will bring the answer I've been searching for.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

NYU, then and now.

The day I arrived at NYU was long, overcast, and confusing. Nerve-wracking, I should say: none of my anxieties were clearly defined, but they came to this sum; that I had reached the official end of my childhood, and that from now on I would have to take care of myself, with an utterly spartan room as my base of operations. One might think that my fear came from a lack of independence, but the presumption would be false: I could shop, clean, cook, do laundry and pay pills just as I had done for the past year. Mine was a fear that, because I'd have to balance multiple lives (including academic, social, financial and love) I would never reach a state of equilibrium. No weekends, no holidays, but neverending work and struggle to attain the hope of having mental piece, like a child, at the end of one's years of service. While that initial panic had subsided, I was still in the eye of the storm: I had to choose between good grades, good friends, good body and adequate amounts of sleep. As such, I needed to reflect on the matter further, to conquer it before it monopolized my adulthood.