Duality

I’m going to talk to you directly because you can’t help but look. You’ve been watching me, since I was five years old if not younger, and you’re trying to kill me. You want me to slip up so bad I can’t help but be evil. You want me to give up the fight, convince me that it’s an uphill battle; wall me in so that every last string of hope is broken. Don’t you get it? You’ll never break me. You lost that fight. I’ve got a purpose in life that doesn’t involve devotion to self.

You should not be interfering with my life. You were like me once, but you fucked up so bad it was too late to turn back. Maybe you took too many ‘second chances’ and ended up with nothing. Maybe you didn’t realize there were infinite numbers of second chances. Maybe you didn’t care.

I’m ready for you this time. I’m not scared of you. I felt your presence closest when things were about to end. I feel you in bass-heavy music, in creepy photos and horror movies. I know you watch me from the shadows and you live in the dark. You are a demon. You have a name. You give me power to do the wrong thing.

I’ll never get rid of you.

I want you to realize that you couldn’t exist without me. I wouldn’t exist without you. This duality has existed in every person there ever was. You are incarnation of choice. The choice to do what feels good.

The other half chooses to do what Is right. I don't see him often. I spend too much time with you.

You block me from dreaming of HER. About her. For her. You keep me from realizing my full potential.

Be It so. You won't stop me much longer.

For lack of a better world.

Dear Cam,

As you don't update this nearly as often as you should I'm hacking it.


Remember that day in NYC? I had the time of my life. Running around on the roof of your apartment. Watching a kid laugh as you dropped money all over the street outside of the theatre. Drinking water from wine glasses. Gummy worms.

It's things like that that go with you everywhere in life, no matter where we are, who we're trying to become, or who thinks what about us. Some moments that you have had and are going to have are going to be worth more to you than anything you can imagine. Some experiences you're going to have can't be traded for anything in the world. Some things are just going to be worth everything. Without places that make you smile, memories that make you cry, and people you would die for, life just wouldn't be worth it. Humans were created to live. To be passionate about living. To find things worth living for. Dying for anything is easy, cam. Living for something takes more courage and strength than anything in the world. I dare you to live to be passionate about life. Experience everything you can, be everything you can, make a difference in as many peoples lives as you can. Live to love. And with that love, give life to everything around you.


Love you, as always.
Dee
http://deanna.blogs.xmlhead.com/

Aware

I know who THEY are.

If you're reading this, you do too. I've been searching for answers for awhile now. It seems like I'm asking MORE questions now that I know this.

Where are you Morpheus? I don't know what else to call you. I know you've been watching me; waiting. I want to meet you. I want the truth; It doesn't matter how long it takes, or how dark it is - I need to know.

How far down does the rabbit hole go?
Can I get out? Can they come with?
As long as I'm here - can ALL the rules be bent and broken?
Why me? Why us?
how many of us are there?
Who pulls all the strings? Is it benevolent or malevolent?
Will I ever be able to understand all of it?

why has it taken so long to find out so little?

When does it end

The world

We're all here in a big playground where we can be with each other or choose not to. We can pick up our toys and move to a different area with other playmates if we choose to, or we stay in the same place if things are going good. Some kids are at the top of the jungle gym and they help their friends get up. Some are left standing on the mulch wondering who to play with next. Some go and play by themselves in the corner because there's one else to play with. Others go and tattle on each other - they'll tell mommy, daddy, teacher, or friends in hopes that they'll get comfort and maybe some form of revenge.


The best of us choose to play by ourselves AND with others. We don't tattle on each other, we just laugh it off and move on. We follow the rules we know are good for us - breaking the stupid ones; fully conscious of the risk. We don't use our strength, our words, or our toys to hurt other people when we can avoid it. We can be loud when we want to and we know when to stay quiet. We stand up for our friends and help them to share our successes, avoiding our mistakes. We're not jealous of those who have more than us. We do this because we love ourselves and our playmates.

I'm trying to become that kind of person. I was one of the worst of us, hell, sometimes I still am. I know the key ingredient, though, that it takes to make the 'best' kind - that's the ability to laugh off whatever comes our way.

Thank you all, for everything.

I love you.

it's so obvious!

Why didn't I see it before? who cares? it doesn't matter

nothing matters

nothing really matters

not your job, not your public appearance, and certainly not your ego. not your family, not your friends, and YOU don't matter

don't you get it? nothing's serious

it's a joke. ALL OF IT! it's a joke that only a few people in this world will ever get, and when they do, they laugh from then till the end of eternity

think about it - you can't even get out of here alive! why should you care about what a stranger thinks about you? or what your parents and relationships think?

you are who you are. your ego is what you've learned to be. it's not YOU

you are a baby who's learned to be human

start acting like a baby again. why do they smile so often? because they get that NOTHING is serious.

i'd like to thank the academy ^^

you love me! oh you really love me!

the mask is a great movie, did I mention that? columbia's a great school. deanna's a great friend. Emily's great. mom's great. dad's great. kira's great.

none of it's real, though. it's all in your head

it's up to YOU, bub, to wake up =D

What do I believe?

I believe in one god. The father, the almighty. Maker of heaven and earth. We may worship him him under different names, using different rituals, and in a way that makes us want to fight each other over who's right. I believe that this God created us all basically good, but with the capability for evil, for choice is that which makes us human. This God knows everything, controls everything, and is everywhere. He is willing to forgive us of all sin if we ask him, because he is the embodiment of love. His concept of sin does not include laws made by man - sex outside of marriage is not evil unless done casually, without long term commitment. God does not discriminate against those who are not Christian. Muslims, buddhists, Sikhs, Jews, taoists, Daoists, and all others - if you truly seek the divine, you are part of his kingdom.

God does not tolerate those who place money above him. He is not with corrupt politicians, businessmen, soldiers, and laymen. He is not with those who look down on others, be it based on race, orientation, religion, or otherwise. He is not with those who have the ability to do good but refuse to do so.

God is with those who love mankind and everyone in it. He champions the cause of the terminally ill, the desperately poor, the refugee, the orphan, the widow, and the migrant worker. He stands up for those without food, water, shelter, clothing, or money. He exists inside those who need hope.

God rewards those who give and expect nothing in return. He understands and remits the cause of the suicidal. He is the force that rights an abusive relationship. Ultimately, he is the voice inside you that guides you everyday.

Praise him. Ask of him. Thank him.

Three cups of tea

Ever since I can remember, I have loved money. I like looking at it, touching it, earning it, giving it away and getting it as a gift, spending it both frugally and sometimes wastefully. It's like having a love affair with an inanimate object!

So what's the problem? We're in a country where it isn't that hard to make dough. From any age, those determined to make a salary can do it! The problem? There are people in this world who work twelve to sixteen hours a day, without access to 'essentials' like; clean, running, water, food, electricity, medicine, and transportation besides your own feet. We hear from every which direction that these people exist, that they need help, and that we can solve their problems with a small donation of money. That in of itself is wrong - "Give us the money and that guilty feeling in your stomach will go away." It's like feeding an addiction - every time you give, there's someone else out there who needs more.

I recently discovered an element of African spirituality that us Americans need but do not appreciate. "I am because we are" - Ubuntu. That means that your well-being is tied up in the well-being of others. Of your community.

My community exists all around the world. It's in Maryland, it's in Texas, it's in Alaska, It's in New Jersey, and It's in New York. More recently, that community has extended to Blantyre, Malawi, thanks to a mission trip I returned from less than a week ago. The kids I met there had magnitudes less money than I handled every week, yet they were friendlier and more polite than any New Yorker I've ever met! They were not cliqueish, they did not complain about problems with their life, and they were happy simply to be with us Azungu (white people).

My biggest fear was that once I left Malawi I'd forget these people and go back to my life as a vapid, soulless, self-absorbed teenager. Thankfully, I have not forgotten, thanks to a book called "Three cups of tea" that echoes principles I learned on the mission trip somewhere halfway around the world - In Pakistan.

It told me that you can't just send money, you can't just build a building, you can't just give people food and water or even dig WELLS and expect the problems to leave. If you truly want to make a difference in the world, you follow up with the community you made contact with, following their news and doing everything you can to make sure THEY can support THEMSELVES.

What does that look like for me right now? On the mission trip, I made friends with a kid my age named Grivis who lived in the big city of Blantyre. (other kids as well, but this is the big story) He'd moved out of his home village a few years ago, but he wanted to go back and construct a hydroelectric dam to provide power for that village - by HAND. It'd cost him some $2,000 dollars, about five years savings, to build it himself and attach a power grid to it, NOW - he didn't have anywhere near that kind of money or even the know-how to build the thing, but he was going to school at the country's only university, the University of Malawi, to take classes NOT related to electrical engineering (there were no seats available for those courses) just to borrow and read the books to make his project happen.

I'm going to do everything in my power to help him on this, but it's a deeper thing to crack than you'd first think - he needs to come up with tuition for University, transport to and from his hometown, labor to help him build the dam, and afterwards? He'll need to build his own house and start his own family within that village, hopefully becoming a leader in the process.

I'm not going to do all of this for him, no. I'm going back to Malawi soon. When I do, I'm going to watch and help the dam get built and I'll stay afterwards to ensure the health of the community. Do I expect to be easy? no. Do i expect it do be done on a timetable schedule? no, this is Africa we're talking about here. Do I expect it to make a difference in the community I've become a part of? Yes, because I'm there to STAY.

In your everyday life, never forget that you are what your community is. Be good to your family and they'll reciprocate. Be good to your boyfriend or girlfriend and they'll do the same. Take INTEREST in the hopes and aspirations of your friends, help them if you can, and they'll remember you when it's your time to shine. More importantly, when they have crisis and struggle, even in the everyday rat race, TAKE NOTICE. Support them emotionally and make sure they know someone out there ALWAYS has their back - they'll do the same for you. And at the end of the next stage in your lives, you'll look back on your success and remember how the community helped you.

America, it's time to stop being individuals. It's time to stop insisting on doing it YOUR way, by YOUR rules, on your own time, because of your nature. That was for a time when the fastest way to communicate was snail mail that took days or weeks to send and recieve - NOW is the time to take advantage of the channels of communication, the ease of transportation, and the massive amounts of wealth and resources that we wield. In Malawi, the exchange rate from US dollar to Kwatcha is 1 to 150; it costs 50 Kwatcha to buy a bottle of Coke. A fisherman's weekly salwary is 1000 Kwatcha, or six dollars, yet HE will often give more than half of his salary to support his extended family, or to take care of his aging parents who live WITH him rather than in exile at some nursing home. His brother, often a farmer, will give him some of his crops when fishing doesn't work out so well even if HE'S got little food to spare.

THAT is community. When one has surplus of nothing, yet gives out of what they have. When someone's busy but they carry their neighbor's infant on their back and watch out for them. When brothers and sisters teach their younger siblings right from wrong and look out for them when their parents work in the fields - using their own minds and bodies to entertain them when something so simple as a soccer ball or a jump rope doesn't exist.

That kind of community doesn't exist here. It exists in a world where children beg Azungu for plastic water bottles; their only meat eaten on Christmas and national holidays. The people in that world are smarter than us because of one fundamental thing: they know what their community is.

Do you?