As I've said before - this isn't real, this a game. Because It's a game, there are rules to it. Limitations, strictures, codes, and plans of action that are fed into your life and the lives of those around you. THEY can control US when we follow the same patterns every day. Our predictability eliminates the need for thought - ever notice how time passes in class? How automatically you copy the teachers' words into your notebook? That's a pattern.
In order to determine your own life, you must break their patterns when you see them. If you wear predictable clothing - wear something you've never put on before. If you study in the same spot every day, then study elsewhere. If you find yourself consistently saying 'no' to something, then say 'yes.'
A small example - today I'm making a sketch for art history; "St. Jerome In his Study" by Albrecht Durer. I've NEVER done an accurate sketch in my life, yet here I am, and I'm enjoying it. Another example - Mr. Kawano gave me a small yellow sphere and told me to take it home, put it in a glass of water, and watch what happens.
(that's currently an experiment in progress, so I'll update this later)
In matters of time, especially, you have to watch for the patterns. If you show up to class at the same time every day, then show up a minute earlier or a minute later. Keep THEM guessing! Remember, YOU determine your own life, right? Right. Then take control; never become predictable.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Rubicon
Tomorrow I'm going to take the SAT
this will determine if I get into NYU or not
I have studied, I will continue to study, and I am rested enough.
What I need right now, Is focus. I can't think for a moment that I won't make it.
The sun shines bright though it is descending. My friends are all around me, living their lives, yet reaching out and supporting me. I am strong. I have fallen in the past, but every time I have risen up, climbed a mountain, and reached a plateau to launch myself from. After this, I have no idea where I'm going. I have so many choices, known and unknown, that it's almost frightening. Yet here we are, standing at the banks of the Rubicon, deciding whether or not to cross. I will cross it. I will gather every ounce of intellect I have and ace this test as I've done with all the others.
Nothing can stop me.
Nothing can stop you.
Here we are Juggernaut
this will determine if I get into NYU or not
I have studied, I will continue to study, and I am rested enough.
What I need right now, Is focus. I can't think for a moment that I won't make it.
The sun shines bright though it is descending. My friends are all around me, living their lives, yet reaching out and supporting me. I am strong. I have fallen in the past, but every time I have risen up, climbed a mountain, and reached a plateau to launch myself from. After this, I have no idea where I'm going. I have so many choices, known and unknown, that it's almost frightening. Yet here we are, standing at the banks of the Rubicon, deciding whether or not to cross. I will cross it. I will gather every ounce of intellect I have and ace this test as I've done with all the others.
Nothing can stop me.
Nothing can stop you.
Here we are Juggernaut
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Loneliness
You cant avoid pain by fencing yourself up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.
People want to be needed, so let them to.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed, then let them to.
You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.
You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
I´ve been through it myself and i know. i know. i know. i know i know..
People want to be needed, then let them to.
I am needed by many, and many ask things of me. I want to please them all, but.. can I? Why must I? What drives me to lower myself for the sake of others? Because that's what Is right. They will love you for it. But they don't! Look, see, there is a routine in interactions - when their lives reach critical, they vent to me. They want me to tell them things will get better, and that I can help them. So I offer my consolation, my advice, and my time and resources. Those resources then go unused. They forget. Then they come back. Endless cycle.
Until the next one calls on me, I sit here in this room quietly mulling over the thoughts and conversations of the day. I do my work quietly (aided by things that are probably bad for me), then I waste some time on technology, then I sleep.
Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me;
I'm the same boy I used to be.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.
People want to be needed, so let them to.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed, then let them to.
You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.
You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
I´ve been through it myself and i know. i know. i know. i know i know..
People want to be needed, then let them to.
I am needed by many, and many ask things of me. I want to please them all, but.. can I? Why must I? What drives me to lower myself for the sake of others? Because that's what Is right. They will love you for it. But they don't! Look, see, there is a routine in interactions - when their lives reach critical, they vent to me. They want me to tell them things will get better, and that I can help them. So I offer my consolation, my advice, and my time and resources. Those resources then go unused. They forget. Then they come back. Endless cycle.
Until the next one calls on me, I sit here in this room quietly mulling over the thoughts and conversations of the day. I do my work quietly (aided by things that are probably bad for me), then I waste some time on technology, then I sleep.
Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me;
I'm the same boy I used to be.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Float on
I got on the wrong bus for a cross country meet - missed an AP psych class because I got the wrong time.
Took the subway to where the meet would happen and sprinted off the platform down the stairs hopping a fence and dropping my backpack so I could go faster. Didn't know where the group was - oh there they are! Once the race started, I ran my hardest but I got lost trying to figure out where the finish line was.
Once the meet was over, I go back for my bag but it's missing I can't believe it it's stolen i'm ANGRY! Bus leaves, coach follows me, tells me there's nothing I can do about it. Bag is lost and gone forever.
Felt numb for about 5 seconds then took a deep breath and relaxed because it's not about the stuff I had in there, no, all of it was replaceable even my ten dollar phone i forgot to charge this morning and is dead so i couldn't use it to locate the backpack with mom's GPS thing i'm still creeped out about. that's okay. my wallet wasn't in there my keys and books and folders were but i bought replacements for or found substitutes for everything there.
nothing of value was lost as dee's father could attest to. you can lose literally everything you own and come out okay because you came into the world without anything and you'll leave the same way. I've had stuff stolen before and that was okay you just have to roll with the punches.
Finished all the homework i had to do tonight. there's a test on thursday and an essay I can't do right now because the reading was stolen but that's okay. We'll all float on, ALL RIGHT! Don't you worry, we'll all float on, ALL RIGHT!
If you wanna get somewhere in life, it doesn't matter what happens along the way. that's all irrelevent or anecdotal at best. Enjoy the good and shrug off the bad you'll get fewer anxiety issues panic attacks that way.
love you guys and hope you like this stream of consciousness style I'm trying out. John Updike did it in 'Rabbit, Run' which I read for summer reading and it was really good and seemed to let people see things from INSIDE the main character's head. I wanna show you guys what its like to be in my head not that it's particularly interesting or anything haha but if you're curious then go ahead and take a look because i'd be thrilled if you did!
Took the subway to where the meet would happen and sprinted off the platform down the stairs hopping a fence and dropping my backpack so I could go faster. Didn't know where the group was - oh there they are! Once the race started, I ran my hardest but I got lost trying to figure out where the finish line was.
Once the meet was over, I go back for my bag but it's missing I can't believe it it's stolen i'm ANGRY! Bus leaves, coach follows me, tells me there's nothing I can do about it. Bag is lost and gone forever.
Felt numb for about 5 seconds then took a deep breath and relaxed because it's not about the stuff I had in there, no, all of it was replaceable even my ten dollar phone i forgot to charge this morning and is dead so i couldn't use it to locate the backpack with mom's GPS thing i'm still creeped out about. that's okay. my wallet wasn't in there my keys and books and folders were but i bought replacements for or found substitutes for everything there.
nothing of value was lost as dee's father could attest to. you can lose literally everything you own and come out okay because you came into the world without anything and you'll leave the same way. I've had stuff stolen before and that was okay you just have to roll with the punches.
Finished all the homework i had to do tonight. there's a test on thursday and an essay I can't do right now because the reading was stolen but that's okay. We'll all float on, ALL RIGHT! Don't you worry, we'll all float on, ALL RIGHT!
If you wanna get somewhere in life, it doesn't matter what happens along the way. that's all irrelevent or anecdotal at best. Enjoy the good and shrug off the bad you'll get fewer anxiety issues panic attacks that way.
love you guys and hope you like this stream of consciousness style I'm trying out. John Updike did it in 'Rabbit, Run' which I read for summer reading and it was really good and seemed to let people see things from INSIDE the main character's head. I wanna show you guys what its like to be in my head not that it's particularly interesting or anything haha but if you're curious then go ahead and take a look because i'd be thrilled if you did!
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