Poetry Post

Untitled

Emotions, like waves,
build until they start to break -
day and night alike.

Pause

It's interesting to watch.
more so, sometimes, than to do it yourself.
(especially in matters of women)
Action demands effort, and attention;
kills time I do not have.
Waiting is a different creature; horror!
So, too, with politesse.
Today, my only wish is to sleep,
to once again feel someone under my wing.
I dream of the good life
catching a glimpse of joy, I remember!
rekindling the strongest hopes of childhood.

(more to come later)

Cheers

Deanna, I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me these past several years. Your emotional support has gotten me through hard times, and you've laughed with me during the good times. You've trusted me with some of your deepest secrets as I've entrusted you with mine. You've helped me to become a better writer thanks to this ritual of blogging (at least I hope I haven't gotten any worse!). What's more, you gave me needed advice when I couldn't ask my parents, and you consistently keep me out of trouble. For this, and for everything else that's gone into our friendship, I thank you. Much of what I am today is because of you.

Right now, I know that you're going through a hard time. With family, with school; with life in general. I also know that you have the strength to win this. What do I mean by 'this'? It's a race. Each stage of life is a race, and there are many hurdles you have to jump over just to finish. Some people make it to the finish line, some don't. You WILL. I know you will. You are prettier, wiser, and tougher than any girl I've ever known.

As you go through break, take the time to relax. Let the unimportant things go, and give a big hug to each of your loved ones. As you keep telling me - today is the only day that matters. Are you happy? If not, what can you do that will make you happy?

I Love You.

- Cameron Beaudreault

Tron

Saw Tron: Legacy last night. Interesting movie, with some interesting concepts behind it. The evil character, 'Clue' attempted to create a perfect world in digital form - eliminating imperfections and random events. Problem is, there's no way to know what 'perfection' is; it's unknowable. Moreover, it can be seen all around us.

Look at the sun, the trees, the mountains. The water. All of it is perfect. Now look at you. You are perfect. Not in the sense of holiness or physical physical perfection, but in mathematical terms. According to a prominent theory about how the universe works, there are infinite numbers of possibilities that stem from every action and reaction. A billion events can proceed from the birth of just one human being, or one political movement. Only a few possibilities actually make it into the real world BECAUSE so many counter-actions happen.

Look at it this way; you could have been so many things when you were a kid. You wanted to be a painter, maybe, or an astronaut, or a racecar driver. All of those COULD HAVE happened. But external influences made it so that you wouldn't. Maybe your parents weren't able to help you study enough, so you couldn't get the grades necessary to become an astronaut. Maybe you never had a good art teacher as a kid. Thus, your actual career ends up being something... boring. Like a cashier or an accountant. Yet the potential was there at the start, AND - given the right circumstances - you could change your career at any given moment.

Whatever makes you YOU is the sum of the possibilities that came true. A trillion things were potentiated and eliminated, and you can observe what's left. And because of that, you and I are mathematically ideal.

That doesn't mean you don't have any room for change ;)

One last thought: as you approach total order in a system, random acts of chaos spring up. Conversely, as you approach total chaos, random units of organization occur.

Food for thought.

Trough

I should be happy. I've got everything I need at the tip of my fingers - food, water, shelter, entertainment, and friends. I've even got my family close by. But... something's missing. Something basic, something that everyone needs without exception. Oh yeah! Now I remember - It's LOVE!

You seriously couldn't talk about anything else, could you?

I dunno. It's that time of the year again.

Lol, you can't find a girlfriend again, can you?

It's not like I'm NOT TRYING!

That's even more sad. Means nobody wants you.

You may be right.

Like Omar Khayyam Shakil. Nobody wanted him either. Know why?

Why?

Cuz he was FAT.

Are you calling me fat?

Yeah, I am. You're fat, you're lazy, and there's nothing impressive about you that would make you popular with ANY girl.

I've had girlfriends before.

For like how long? Weeks? A couple months at most? You treated them like SHIT.

I was immature then.

And you still ARE. You're after the same thing - sex. And that's never going to change.

But I won't go for it that often.

Shut up, Cam. You know I'm right, you know you're wrong. Accept it.

Then what the hell am I supposed to do?

First you hit rock bottom. You get depressed, gain a little more weight, and maybe lose a friend 'cuz of your moping. Then? You decide that enough is enough. You start lifting weights, you get your muscular - confident - self BACK, and you look around and reach for the first girl that glances in your direction. You need more testosterone.

I see.

(and so our hero resolved to go to Modell's and buy several heavy weights, aiming to lose 15 pounds in two months and gain lean muscle in the process. Does he succeed? Stay tuned)

You know what? Fuck it. Looking back on it, no girl likes me for who I really am, so why bother?


I'm ready.. depression..

Recovery

I haven't been on any serious training program for a long time, and It shows. I'm gaining a bit of weight, my pace has slowed, and my endurance has faded. This all started when I got caught up in schoolwork and - again - got disorganized. Now that I'm on break, that disorganization has ended, and I'm on my way to making it back into the amateur/pro range. I did a 4-miler today in 37 minutes. Slow-as-hell? Yes, but two of those miles were entirely uphill. Can I do better? Yes.

This New Years, instead of drinking, I'm going to run a 4-mile race at midnight. I'm going to come in 3rd, 2nd, or 1st place for my age group. There's no excuse for me NOT to do that well, and it'll motivate me to train for the marathon. Oh, wait, why am I writing this out loud? You guys don't want to hear this; I say this kinda stuff all the time! So what's the point?

The point is, we all make mistakes. I smoke when I should be running, I go after the wrong girls, and I disappoint my friends. Even with all that? Life goes on.

Every mistake you ever made was a chance for you to grow.

Growing Up

You ever think about what it'll be like to be a grown-up? How awesome it'll be when you're on your own, and you don't have to take orders from anyone? It's funny how that idea works, because it's not true. You take orders from a lot of people, some of them meaner than your parents, and you have less of a support network to call on if you're in trouble. Let's back up a sec - RENT? Food? Budget? Laundry?? This shit's gonna be harder than I thought! Exacerbating that is the fact that no one tells you how to do it. You just have to figure out what being an adult IS as you go along.

Maybe that's why much of the world's so silly. Because people don't really grow up all the way. They're bigger, stronger, and older, but the way they think is little different from that of a 12 year old - just a little more complex. Given that, I'm pretty terrified about what it'll be like next year. At the same time, I know I can do this. I've taken care of myself for a couple years now, and not much will have changed. Heck, I'll have more chances to see friends and girlfriends, so that's a plus!

So what about how your parents taught you to live? You know - be polite, make good choices, don't do drugs, go to church, stay out of trouble... the list goes on. Me, I used to laugh at most of those, because they didn't seem to apply. Recently, however, I've been going to church because I WANT to. I've been more polite to people because I WANT to. I stay out of trouble because I've seen the consequences of dealing with the law. Therefore, pretty much everything they'd told me was RIGHT. Damn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're figuring it out for yourself, but there ARE guidelines that your parents have given you. Maybe. If they have, then do listen to them =)

An odd, fictional (?) dialogue.

I find out about NYU's decision tomorrow. Been working hard, for a long time, to get to this moment. Yet I know that there's nothing I can do to change things after tomorrow. This is my 'dream school,' above UPenn, above Harvard, above everything. And that's why God has decided that I won't get in.

That's a rather pessimistic way of looking at things, Cameron, what the hell are you saying?

I'm saying that by expecting something to happen, as if it were my RIGHT, I don't deserve it. There's tens of thousands of students from all around the world with equal credentials to mine - if not better. Therefore, I need my pride cut down.

But won't you be pissed that you didn't get in?

Yes. Very. But that's exactly why I have to accept it and move on. Babson's a good school too. So Is Fordham, so is BU. I'll get in SOMEwhere, just not NYU.

So that's it. You're just gonna give up. Let yourself be defeated.

NO, you fucking douchebag, I'm not giving up. I'm preparing myself for the alternative. It's not defeat, in fact, it's the opposite. Do you really think that I'd learn any less at Fordham? Or Rutgers? I wouldn't. There's libraries in every college, there's good teachers in every college. The reason I'm going to any college at ALL is to learn how to be a businessman, and that is something that can be done anywhere.

But the education would be of a higher standard at NYU.

Not necessarily. Considering tuition costs, I would be just as well off were I to buy the textbooks that NYU uses and study them myself. Carry those books off to any school library in the city and what do you have? An auto-didact.

Like you could teach yourself anything relevant to a career.

Watch me.

Wanna bet?

Not necessary. I want to be a businessman, so be it. If I want to manage a pharmaceutical company, then I'll need to study finance. Management. and the inner workings of actually MAKING pharmaceuticals before I even begin. Where does that knowledge come from? It comes from books and from interpersonal experiences. Easily obtained.

So you're determined to succeed in life, come what may. Damn the means, damn the consequences, you just want to see this career take off.

Yup.

Good luck to you.

Thanks... poser.

(end)