visited where he used to live (and got shot by a feminist in '68) which has now been turned into a small public park. Felt his vibes when I went there, so I wrote a poem.
231 47th street
Peace endures here.
The building is gone,
then again, so is that phase of New York.
An old man sits on a park bench nearby,
passing on stories
A young man listens
while others contemplate an artificial waterfall,
searching there for wisdom.
I wonder if anyone knows what happened,
and if they did, would they care?
Thankfully, HER memory does not remain.
What is left is HIS spirit
as it was in the beginning
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Gravy Train
I feel like I've never been stronger, smarter, or overall happier than I am now. I run twelve miles a day, exploring different parts of Manhattan as I do so (yesterday I went all the way down to Chelsea piers and back via Riverside. Absolutely BEAUTIFUL.), and spend the rest of the day reading, swimming, biking, watching Movies, and playing an occasional videogame.
Sounds pretty Idyllic, yeah? I guess you could say that... but I don't feel as 'complete' as I should. I haven't seen any of my friends since summer officially began (except for Liam, YOU ROCK, MAN!) and those I could have the opportunity to hang with do nothing but smoke pot all day. Last year I'd have jumped at the chance, but seriously, I think it's time to get a new set of friends. On top of that, I haven't seen Bri in days. Don't expect to see her for another two months at that, which judging by the way things are going, Is going to be a major drag on this summer.
Still, there IS something to be said for being able to stay up till all hours doing whatever you please. I even got my mom to LET me go out at night so I don't have to sneak out anymore! I just got a proper utility belt for my long runs AND stocked up on food for the week, and I've still got enough money left over for a movie If I wanna go see one. =) allright, I'm cheered up now. But seriously, readers, if any of you ARE indeed reading this - we must hang out sometime this or next week. I'm going bloody stir crazy!
As an aside - mom started her new job at Shearmann and Sterling yesterday. This works out, I'll never have to worry about pocket money EVER AGAIN, heheh WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sounds pretty Idyllic, yeah? I guess you could say that... but I don't feel as 'complete' as I should. I haven't seen any of my friends since summer officially began (except for Liam, YOU ROCK, MAN!) and those I could have the opportunity to hang with do nothing but smoke pot all day. Last year I'd have jumped at the chance, but seriously, I think it's time to get a new set of friends. On top of that, I haven't seen Bri in days. Don't expect to see her for another two months at that, which judging by the way things are going, Is going to be a major drag on this summer.
Still, there IS something to be said for being able to stay up till all hours doing whatever you please. I even got my mom to LET me go out at night so I don't have to sneak out anymore! I just got a proper utility belt for my long runs AND stocked up on food for the week, and I've still got enough money left over for a movie If I wanna go see one. =) allright, I'm cheered up now. But seriously, readers, if any of you ARE indeed reading this - we must hang out sometime this or next week. I'm going bloody stir crazy!
As an aside - mom started her new job at Shearmann and Sterling yesterday. This works out, I'll never have to worry about pocket money EVER AGAIN, heheh WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Nevermind
Thanks, Dorot. Thanks a lot. This is the last internship I bother to sign up for; my rock and my hope for some community service hours that benefit both me and the community I'd be working for, and you reject me. Do you think this was beneficial in some way? That there was some child more qualified to deal with seniors than I? Let it be so. Frankly, I could care less, because that means I have five full days a week to train for the double marathon this summer AND study to ace my ACT's.
I could raise a fuss and cause hell for you guys and your sponsors that keep that place running, but why bother? Once I've got a Ron Perelman-size fortune tucked away somewhere, you'll see where the mistake was. I'll simply give the money to those competing for the donations you get - and there are many of such kind in New york - and your entire 'generations' spiel will become an outdated, marginalized, antique.
At least I won't be wasting my time this summer on some feel-good project. In that sense, YES, THANK YOU, Dorot. Let someone who aspires to join the peace corps take my place.
I could raise a fuss and cause hell for you guys and your sponsors that keep that place running, but why bother? Once I've got a Ron Perelman-size fortune tucked away somewhere, you'll see where the mistake was. I'll simply give the money to those competing for the donations you get - and there are many of such kind in New york - and your entire 'generations' spiel will become an outdated, marginalized, antique.
At least I won't be wasting my time this summer on some feel-good project. In that sense, YES, THANK YOU, Dorot. Let someone who aspires to join the peace corps take my place.
From Saturday, June 27
Never really started watching sports with any sort of enthusiasm till recently. Not sure how good a peripatetic I am, but the first thing that got me going was winning PSAL for track. Cheered for my team during NYSAIS - we get our asses handed to us by Hackley and Collegiate; Hackley took first place in states. While David’s son attends collegiate, he agrees with me that Hackley’s players and parents are pretty obnoxious about their winnings.
Then Bri gets me into Wimbledon - actually watched a match that Andy Roddick predictably won and a bit of the Mahut/Isner match during the second day. Since I’m absolutely WIRED from a pot of coffee I brewed this afternoon, I’ll have to catch up with that at some point tonight.
And of course there’s the world cup. The closest America has come to winning in YEARS upon YEARS, and Ghana destroys us on a lucky shot, running the clock well past overtime and having refs that played favorites allowing them to drop to the field when they didn’t get hit at all! Be it noted that our own players, Including Dempsey, were knocked around several times during some critical moments but each time they got back on their feet and kept playing, despite the fact that several of these fouls were visibly intentional. We had our miracle moments up until a minute before the clock ran out - but we were just too tired to go on. We lost to Ghana like this last year, and while I didn’t watch that match, there was some absolutely disgraceful sabotage directed against us today.
I’m a patriot through and through - been cheering “USA!” for the winter and summer Olympics since I was in diapers - and this just cuts me to the bone right here. Will we progress further next year through FIFA? Maybe, maybe not. Will we face equally if not even stiffer competition? Most definitely now that we have the world’s attention. What this tournament has shown is that America is a force to be reckoned with. Whatever successes we make in the future will be built on those we’ve just made, and other countries WILL have reason to fear us. I can only hope that as a country we start paying better attention to international sports and sacrifice our folksier ones in the process.
Then Bri gets me into Wimbledon - actually watched a match that Andy Roddick predictably won and a bit of the Mahut/Isner match during the second day. Since I’m absolutely WIRED from a pot of coffee I brewed this afternoon, I’ll have to catch up with that at some point tonight.
And of course there’s the world cup. The closest America has come to winning in YEARS upon YEARS, and Ghana destroys us on a lucky shot, running the clock well past overtime and having refs that played favorites allowing them to drop to the field when they didn’t get hit at all! Be it noted that our own players, Including Dempsey, were knocked around several times during some critical moments but each time they got back on their feet and kept playing, despite the fact that several of these fouls were visibly intentional. We had our miracle moments up until a minute before the clock ran out - but we were just too tired to go on. We lost to Ghana like this last year, and while I didn’t watch that match, there was some absolutely disgraceful sabotage directed against us today.
I’m a patriot through and through - been cheering “USA!” for the winter and summer Olympics since I was in diapers - and this just cuts me to the bone right here. Will we progress further next year through FIFA? Maybe, maybe not. Will we face equally if not even stiffer competition? Most definitely now that we have the world’s attention. What this tournament has shown is that America is a force to be reckoned with. Whatever successes we make in the future will be built on those we’ve just made, and other countries WILL have reason to fear us. I can only hope that as a country we start paying better attention to international sports and sacrifice our folksier ones in the process.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
As it is
I've been talking about wanting to run the island of Manhattan from tip to tip. Yeah, yeah, Cam, just DO it already! Well, today, I took steps to convince my mom to let me do it and she let me buy the gear. It's settled; I'm running it on Friday!!! Before the heat gets crazy, I'm going to take the subway up to the Broadway bridge and start running at 6:00 sharp. Got my water bottles, my utility belt thingy to hold the water and the protein bars, energy gels, and whatnot, and i've got a student subway pass that still works for the time being. PERFECT.
So I guess you gents and gentlewomans can tell I'm pretty excited. Scratch that. I'm PUMPED! The next 36 hours are going to be pretty damn intense, what with the
Wimbledon match to finish
SAT II scores to be returned
Sister to take care of in New Jersey
ACT to study for
and the subsequent getting up at 2 in the morning or so to make the train back to New York in time to start the run!
Fuck, now i'm not necessarily pumped, I'm just freaking NERVOUS, man!
So I guess you gents and gentlewomans can tell I'm pretty excited. Scratch that. I'm PUMPED! The next 36 hours are going to be pretty damn intense, what with the
Wimbledon match to finish
SAT II scores to be returned
Sister to take care of in New Jersey
ACT to study for
and the subsequent getting up at 2 in the morning or so to make the train back to New York in time to start the run!
Fuck, now i'm not necessarily pumped, I'm just freaking NERVOUS, man!
Convergence
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I wear my heart on my sleeves. What can I say? That's how I allow myself to identify with people, to enjoy a good time with them, and over time; to bond with them. That goes for teachers, students (yes I have some), friends, my family once upon a time, and girls. Let me be perfectly clear; I was not always like this. In sixth grade, I was bullied and hurt in so many ways that I couldn't take it anymore. I became withdrawn, sullen, overweight, and angry at everybody I knew and met. No one could understand me; I had a poker face before Lady Gaga even THOUGHT to write that song. I changed schools - 7th and 8th grade were worse. Gained more weight and became angrier. Started listening to metal. Then death metal. Then started looking for the most intense, hateful, mind-twisting music I could find. I was so antisocial that I preferred to sneak out to the back of the school and read Pendragon while sitting next to stray cats during lunch, rather than endure the cafeteria.
Oddly enough, that quest stopped a little in Freshman year. I made friends. My grades improved. My family life was Ideal; while I lived in New Jersey, I could visit my mom on the weekends in New York and play the tourist for a couple days (This was before they got divorced). It regressed in tenth grade as I got stuck with some VERY crappy teachers and a not-so-friendly set of classmates. After christmas, I discover out of nowhere that my mom is intent on divorcing my dad. That's when the drugs, the scum friends, and the self-loathing came in one after another in the span of a few weeks. Took up smoking cigarettes, pot, started drinking, and stayed out till all hours raising hell. Got so bad I ran away from home and stayed with a friend for two days. I just couldn't handle things anymore. My parents still cared about me, oddly, and they hated to see me react like this. My dad suggested I look for a private school in the city and apply - both parents would cooperate to pay for it according to how much they made.
Thanks to them, I went from a 3.0 average in sophomore year to a 3.9 this year. I listen to rock and roll, hip-hop, and pop on a regular basis, choosing to ignore metal unless I'm angry or going for a run. I've made friends at school that i'd follow through hell and back If they asked me to. I took up acting and singing again - doing 'Sweeney Todd' was one of the proudest things i've ever done. I'm closer than ever to both my parents, my sister, and my extended family. I'm physically fit: I ran the NYC marathon last November and I'm training to run twice that distance by fall. Most importantly, in social events, I stopped being the guy that sat in the corner. I went out to parties when allowed, I befriended everyone I could at school, and I tried my hand at romance again. Never allowed myself to until this year; the first attempt failed miserably and the second one backfired. I didn't give up and I didn't go back into my turtle shell - that would've been to admit failure - so when a friend mentioned the possibility of random hookups (wink) and compatible identities, I jumped at the opportunity. The end result of that Is the longest and most emotionally fulfilling relationship I've ever been in, and I thank God every DAY for it. For her. For her being in my life.
Yes, it was a weird introduction. Yes, we've suffered because of past mistakes trusting the opposite sex. That makes no difference in how I feel about her. I am not upset, confused, or bothered at all by the fact that she can't say 'I love you'; that's what messy breakups do to people. I'd noticed it before and wondered, but now that I know why I can empathize with what happened, and I am content. I'll bear my soul again and again, and I'll let my heart get broken by whomever chooses to do so. Why? Because In my line of experience, It's VASTLY better to have loved and been hurt than to not have loved at all. It makes life FUN! It makes things INTERESTING, and you know something else? This is what's good for my emotional health. Whatever's going to happen in the future will happen; I'm not afraid to love.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I wear my heart on my sleeves. What can I say? That's how I allow myself to identify with people, to enjoy a good time with them, and over time; to bond with them. That goes for teachers, students (yes I have some), friends, my family once upon a time, and girls. Let me be perfectly clear; I was not always like this. In sixth grade, I was bullied and hurt in so many ways that I couldn't take it anymore. I became withdrawn, sullen, overweight, and angry at everybody I knew and met. No one could understand me; I had a poker face before Lady Gaga even THOUGHT to write that song. I changed schools - 7th and 8th grade were worse. Gained more weight and became angrier. Started listening to metal. Then death metal. Then started looking for the most intense, hateful, mind-twisting music I could find. I was so antisocial that I preferred to sneak out to the back of the school and read Pendragon while sitting next to stray cats during lunch, rather than endure the cafeteria.
Oddly enough, that quest stopped a little in Freshman year. I made friends. My grades improved. My family life was Ideal; while I lived in New Jersey, I could visit my mom on the weekends in New York and play the tourist for a couple days (This was before they got divorced). It regressed in tenth grade as I got stuck with some VERY crappy teachers and a not-so-friendly set of classmates. After christmas, I discover out of nowhere that my mom is intent on divorcing my dad. That's when the drugs, the scum friends, and the self-loathing came in one after another in the span of a few weeks. Took up smoking cigarettes, pot, started drinking, and stayed out till all hours raising hell. Got so bad I ran away from home and stayed with a friend for two days. I just couldn't handle things anymore. My parents still cared about me, oddly, and they hated to see me react like this. My dad suggested I look for a private school in the city and apply - both parents would cooperate to pay for it according to how much they made.
Thanks to them, I went from a 3.0 average in sophomore year to a 3.9 this year. I listen to rock and roll, hip-hop, and pop on a regular basis, choosing to ignore metal unless I'm angry or going for a run. I've made friends at school that i'd follow through hell and back If they asked me to. I took up acting and singing again - doing 'Sweeney Todd' was one of the proudest things i've ever done. I'm closer than ever to both my parents, my sister, and my extended family. I'm physically fit: I ran the NYC marathon last November and I'm training to run twice that distance by fall. Most importantly, in social events, I stopped being the guy that sat in the corner. I went out to parties when allowed, I befriended everyone I could at school, and I tried my hand at romance again. Never allowed myself to until this year; the first attempt failed miserably and the second one backfired. I didn't give up and I didn't go back into my turtle shell - that would've been to admit failure - so when a friend mentioned the possibility of random hookups (wink) and compatible identities, I jumped at the opportunity. The end result of that Is the longest and most emotionally fulfilling relationship I've ever been in, and I thank God every DAY for it. For her. For her being in my life.
Yes, it was a weird introduction. Yes, we've suffered because of past mistakes trusting the opposite sex. That makes no difference in how I feel about her. I am not upset, confused, or bothered at all by the fact that she can't say 'I love you'; that's what messy breakups do to people. I'd noticed it before and wondered, but now that I know why I can empathize with what happened, and I am content. I'll bear my soul again and again, and I'll let my heart get broken by whomever chooses to do so. Why? Because In my line of experience, It's VASTLY better to have loved and been hurt than to not have loved at all. It makes life FUN! It makes things INTERESTING, and you know something else? This is what's good for my emotional health. Whatever's going to happen in the future will happen; I'm not afraid to love.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Question
Who is this person? Why is this person so important to me?
Why does she motivate me to get a six-pack, write the great American novel, run across the world and back, and read a hundred books before I see her next?
Why me?
How does she manage to make me feel like an Alpha Male... when i've got a million flaws I'm constantly trying to fix, smooth out, or downplay?
How much has changed in our lives since we first saw each other?
What can I do to make her happy?
Why does I look at time as - 'how long it's been since I last saw her' and 'when i'll see her next'?
When did I start enjoying pop music?
When did I start smiling again? Who's that who keeps making me laugh?
Who taught me to relax and take it easy once in awhile?
Who's the last person to make me go above and beyond my own expectations, and at the same time make me comfortable to be as I am?
Why does Bri make everything else in life seem just, right, good?
No need to answer. That's just the way things are.
Why does she motivate me to get a six-pack, write the great American novel, run across the world and back, and read a hundred books before I see her next?
Why me?
How does she manage to make me feel like an Alpha Male... when i've got a million flaws I'm constantly trying to fix, smooth out, or downplay?
How much has changed in our lives since we first saw each other?
What can I do to make her happy?
Why does I look at time as - 'how long it's been since I last saw her' and 'when i'll see her next'?
When did I start enjoying pop music?
When did I start smiling again? Who's that who keeps making me laugh?
Who taught me to relax and take it easy once in awhile?
Who's the last person to make me go above and beyond my own expectations, and at the same time make me comfortable to be as I am?
Why does Bri make everything else in life seem just, right, good?
No need to answer. That's just the way things are.
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