In Retrospect

I can't say I was surprised by what happened this weekend. I ran off to Winchester, Virginia to meet someone whose personality matches that of Janice from the Rabbit novels, spending all of my money in the process, then discovering that the spark between us had disappeared. She had found it in a man closer to home. Ca marche... it happens. To be honest, I ought to thank her for what took place. I know that it was mostly my fault, and I take that blame eagerly. Because when you're two hundred miles from home, cold, with no food in your stomach, you know that it's high time you grew up. That while your family can & will help you through the worst of times, the only person who will ultimately determine your future is you.

So no, I'm not mad that we're no longer together. Just numb. And before one asks about why I'd do something this dumb, remember; there have been crazier things done in the pursuit of love. Now that I've seen my craziness, I will never do something like that again.

It's just not worth it. No one is.

The Wisdom of Crowds

So it's the 21st century, the sexual revolution is hopping like it's going out of style, the LGBT culture is getting it on and putting itself out there in society, and by all counts you'd think we're all happier for it. Right?

WRONG. The Sex and the City, The Bachelorette, and the recent glut of reality shows and social networking sites are contributing to what i'd like to call "The Starving Times." More than ever before, people aren't starting and building long-term relationships, ARE itchy with their divorce trigger fingers, and are actively working to stay single in order to search for "Mr. Right." The result? Most people, in big cities and small towns alike, are having less sex than at any other period in history. When they do have sex, the encounters are usually one night stands that end in shame and soul-wrenching ickyness. But i'm just saying that because i'm a prude, right? I've never been part of that scene before, so what the hell do I know?

I know that in the first month of living at NYU, there was not a single male-female interaction I observed that EVER progressed beyond a one night stand. That goes for me, my roommate, the other students on my floor and the extended circle of friends I made during welcome week. In fact, most of that crowd who I talked with often confided that they were lonely. It's plain to see why; people want stability in their lives. More than anything, what makes them happy is a mostly predictable lifestyle. That goes for one's home (waking up in the same bed every morning), one's friends (being able to confide the deepest secrets you have with long-time friends. Building memories with them), and one's love interests.

Well, in a long-drawn-out process, I discovered the answer to these common woes. A long-term relationship is more fulfilling, physically and emotionally, than any grey-area fling that my generation (and the current twentysomething crowd) seems to find so endearing. So: thanks for your advice, Cosmo, but I think i'll do the grown-up thing and stick with one girl. It worked out for every generation before the 1960's, and it can certainly work now.

I LOL at bachelors.

End of the line

I thought this was going to be it. I thought I'd grow up, work gradually towards those moments of exhilaration, fall in love and learn all about the world that I ever wanted to know. I thought I would become more of an adult.

In reality, this place is slowly killing me. Physically and emotionally, my life is making its way out of my body.

I tried. I really did. But my best isn't good enough anymore. It's time for someone else to pick up the torch and carry it; my work is done.

I don't know what to do anymore. I will sleep, hoping that tomorrow will bring the answer I've been searching for.

NYU, then and now.

The day I arrived at NYU was long, overcast, and confusing. Nerve-wracking, I should say: none of my anxieties were clearly defined, but they came to this sum; that I had reached the official end of my childhood, and that from now on I would have to take care of myself, with an utterly spartan room as my base of operations. One might think that my fear came from a lack of independence, but the presumption would be false: I could shop, clean, cook, do laundry and pay pills just as I had done for the past year. Mine was a fear that, because I'd have to balance multiple lives (including academic, social, financial and love) I would never reach a state of equilibrium. No weekends, no holidays, but neverending work and struggle to attain the hope of having mental piece, like a child, at the end of one's years of service. While that initial panic had subsided, I was still in the eye of the storm: I had to choose between good grades, good friends, good body and adequate amounts of sleep. As such, I needed to reflect on the matter further, to conquer it before it monopolized my adulthood.

Let's think Meta

I recently read a couple of articles online that posited the idea that we are living in a simulation: a sort of computer program created by post-human entities that want to study the past. If this is true, the implications would be enormous: moral and ethical reasoning would be thrown into question, as would our understanding of religion. If enough people within the simulation understood the un-reality of this place, there would be a VERY big backlash.

Or would there be? I've wrestled with this idea since I first watched the matrix, and i've never been able to shake the feeling that, at some level, my actions and thoughts are controlled by an external source. Recently, i've reached a point where it doesn't seem to matter much. My actions, my goals and dreams, are still relevant. My life (as I perceive it) would be no less real to me: think about how many people nowadays use the Internet for dating, and for the pursuit of online friendships through Facebook and MMO video games? Those are no less 'real' than our face-to-face encounters with these people: the interactions are essentially the same.

Because of this, I see no question of futility. Maybe what we do doesn't really matter in the big picture - so what? Our actions are still important to US. The pursuit of finding (or constructing) meaning in our lives matters more, on a practical level, than the reality of that meaning. But with the knowledge that reality is an illusion, I (and others like me) can bend and break the rules without a guilty conscience, if the ends justify the means.

I just hope that, whatever the case may be, we humans find a way to conquer sleep once and for all. It's such a critical thing, but the time one spends asleep is all but wasted. Ugh.. I need to get to bed soon. That 18 mile run yesterday killed me.

A Firm Farewell to Another

Despite your impressions of me,
I am neither angel
Nor omniscient being.
I merely remind you of the youth you once possessed -
And the curiosity for things you now find commonplace.
Despite your adoration,
There is nothing you can say or do
To change my opinion of you;
A broken record who has ceased to gaze at the world with open eyes.

Continue your search elsewhere, milord, 
This interview is over.

Latium

Personal conduct is a war
played out in space-time
lasting eons longer than a battle of grandmasters.
The opponents; you versus yourself.
Wise you versus crazy you,
and the winner is undecided.
Day by day, battle by battle,
your part is chosen
by the conscious decisions you make.