Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Overthinking

Introspection's always been my greatest asset. If I can examine myself, I can make things better, right? That's probably true, yet it brings down my level of self-esteem. Therefore, I shouldn't overthink myself, my own actions, feelings, etc. I should just.. be.

Just be.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Healing

Sleep as much as you can. Yes, there is much to be done, but you'll thank me for it. 8 hours minimum, 9 hours optimum - if you do this for a few days on end, you'll start to notice a change in your brain function. You'll be able to get out of bed easier, and your mood will improve. Your skill at many tasks will improve, and your reaction times will be faster. Overall, your body will be like an entirely different being from what it was before; all because of sleep.

It doesn't matter how much you have to do or WHAT it is you have to do - It will be done better if you are well rested. No exceptions.

When you have been injured, or if you have fallen ill, your body does the most healing when you are asleep.

If you have an emotional / mental disorder, much of the underlying chemical imbalances can be treated by altering your sleep patterns.

Obesity and weight gain are linked to less hours - on average - spent sleeping at night. The converse is true - thin people sleep more.

I.E. GO TO BED =)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Poetry Post

Untitled

Emotions, like waves,
build until they start to break -
day and night alike.

Pause

It's interesting to watch.
more so, sometimes, than to do it yourself.
(especially in matters of women)
Action demands effort, and attention;
kills time I do not have.
Waiting is a different creature; horror!
So, too, with politesse.
Today, my only wish is to sleep,
to once again feel someone under my wing.
I dream of the good life
catching a glimpse of joy, I remember!
rekindling the strongest hopes of childhood.

(more to come later)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Cheers

Deanna, I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me these past several years. Your emotional support has gotten me through hard times, and you've laughed with me during the good times. You've trusted me with some of your deepest secrets as I've entrusted you with mine. You've helped me to become a better writer thanks to this ritual of blogging (at least I hope I haven't gotten any worse!). What's more, you gave me needed advice when I couldn't ask my parents, and you consistently keep me out of trouble. For this, and for everything else that's gone into our friendship, I thank you. Much of what I am today is because of you.

Right now, I know that you're going through a hard time. With family, with school; with life in general. I also know that you have the strength to win this. What do I mean by 'this'? It's a race. Each stage of life is a race, and there are many hurdles you have to jump over just to finish. Some people make it to the finish line, some don't. You WILL. I know you will. You are prettier, wiser, and tougher than any girl I've ever known.

As you go through break, take the time to relax. Let the unimportant things go, and give a big hug to each of your loved ones. As you keep telling me - today is the only day that matters. Are you happy? If not, what can you do that will make you happy?

I Love You.

- Cameron Beaudreault

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tron

Saw Tron: Legacy last night. Interesting movie, with some interesting concepts behind it. The evil character, 'Clue' attempted to create a perfect world in digital form - eliminating imperfections and random events. Problem is, there's no way to know what 'perfection' is; it's unknowable. Moreover, it can be seen all around us.

Look at the sun, the trees, the mountains. The water. All of it is perfect. Now look at you. You are perfect. Not in the sense of holiness or physical physical perfection, but in mathematical terms. According to a prominent theory about how the universe works, there are infinite numbers of possibilities that stem from every action and reaction. A billion events can proceed from the birth of just one human being, or one political movement. Only a few possibilities actually make it into the real world BECAUSE so many counter-actions happen.

Look at it this way; you could have been so many things when you were a kid. You wanted to be a painter, maybe, or an astronaut, or a racecar driver. All of those COULD HAVE happened. But external influences made it so that you wouldn't. Maybe your parents weren't able to help you study enough, so you couldn't get the grades necessary to become an astronaut. Maybe you never had a good art teacher as a kid. Thus, your actual career ends up being something... boring. Like a cashier or an accountant. Yet the potential was there at the start, AND - given the right circumstances - you could change your career at any given moment.

Whatever makes you YOU is the sum of the possibilities that came true. A trillion things were potentiated and eliminated, and you can observe what's left. And because of that, you and I are mathematically ideal.

That doesn't mean you don't have any room for change ;)

One last thought: as you approach total order in a system, random acts of chaos spring up. Conversely, as you approach total chaos, random units of organization occur.

Food for thought.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Trough

I should be happy. I've got everything I need at the tip of my fingers - food, water, shelter, entertainment, and friends. I've even got my family close by. But... something's missing. Something basic, something that everyone needs without exception. Oh yeah! Now I remember - It's LOVE!

You seriously couldn't talk about anything else, could you?

I dunno. It's that time of the year again.

Lol, you can't find a girlfriend again, can you?

It's not like I'm NOT TRYING!

That's even more sad. Means nobody wants you.

You may be right.

Like Omar Khayyam Shakil. Nobody wanted him either. Know why?

Why?

Cuz he was FAT.

Are you calling me fat?

Yeah, I am. You're fat, you're lazy, and there's nothing impressive about you that would make you popular with ANY girl.

I've had girlfriends before.

For like how long? Weeks? A couple months at most? You treated them like SHIT.

I was immature then.

And you still ARE. You're after the same thing - sex. And that's never going to change.

But I won't go for it that often.

Shut up, Cam. You know I'm right, you know you're wrong. Accept it.

Then what the hell am I supposed to do?

First you hit rock bottom. You get depressed, gain a little more weight, and maybe lose a friend 'cuz of your moping. Then? You decide that enough is enough. You start lifting weights, you get your muscular - confident - self BACK, and you look around and reach for the first girl that glances in your direction. You need more testosterone.

I see.

(and so our hero resolved to go to Modell's and buy several heavy weights, aiming to lose 15 pounds in two months and gain lean muscle in the process. Does he succeed? Stay tuned)

You know what? Fuck it. Looking back on it, no girl likes me for who I really am, so why bother?


I'm ready.. depression..

Monday, December 20, 2010

Recovery

I haven't been on any serious training program for a long time, and It shows. I'm gaining a bit of weight, my pace has slowed, and my endurance has faded. This all started when I got caught up in schoolwork and - again - got disorganized. Now that I'm on break, that disorganization has ended, and I'm on my way to making it back into the amateur/pro range. I did a 4-miler today in 37 minutes. Slow-as-hell? Yes, but two of those miles were entirely uphill. Can I do better? Yes.

This New Years, instead of drinking, I'm going to run a 4-mile race at midnight. I'm going to come in 3rd, 2nd, or 1st place for my age group. There's no excuse for me NOT to do that well, and it'll motivate me to train for the marathon. Oh, wait, why am I writing this out loud? You guys don't want to hear this; I say this kinda stuff all the time! So what's the point?

The point is, we all make mistakes. I smoke when I should be running, I go after the wrong girls, and I disappoint my friends. Even with all that? Life goes on.

Every mistake you ever made was a chance for you to grow.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Growing Up

You ever think about what it'll be like to be a grown-up? How awesome it'll be when you're on your own, and you don't have to take orders from anyone? It's funny how that idea works, because it's not true. You take orders from a lot of people, some of them meaner than your parents, and you have less of a support network to call on if you're in trouble. Let's back up a sec - RENT? Food? Budget? Laundry?? This shit's gonna be harder than I thought! Exacerbating that is the fact that no one tells you how to do it. You just have to figure out what being an adult IS as you go along.

Maybe that's why much of the world's so silly. Because people don't really grow up all the way. They're bigger, stronger, and older, but the way they think is little different from that of a 12 year old - just a little more complex. Given that, I'm pretty terrified about what it'll be like next year. At the same time, I know I can do this. I've taken care of myself for a couple years now, and not much will have changed. Heck, I'll have more chances to see friends and girlfriends, so that's a plus!

So what about how your parents taught you to live? You know - be polite, make good choices, don't do drugs, go to church, stay out of trouble... the list goes on. Me, I used to laugh at most of those, because they didn't seem to apply. Recently, however, I've been going to church because I WANT to. I've been more polite to people because I WANT to. I stay out of trouble because I've seen the consequences of dealing with the law. Therefore, pretty much everything they'd told me was RIGHT. Damn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're figuring it out for yourself, but there ARE guidelines that your parents have given you. Maybe. If they have, then do listen to them =)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

An odd, fictional (?) dialogue.

I find out about NYU's decision tomorrow. Been working hard, for a long time, to get to this moment. Yet I know that there's nothing I can do to change things after tomorrow. This is my 'dream school,' above UPenn, above Harvard, above everything. And that's why God has decided that I won't get in.

That's a rather pessimistic way of looking at things, Cameron, what the hell are you saying?

I'm saying that by expecting something to happen, as if it were my RIGHT, I don't deserve it. There's tens of thousands of students from all around the world with equal credentials to mine - if not better. Therefore, I need my pride cut down.

But won't you be pissed that you didn't get in?

Yes. Very. But that's exactly why I have to accept it and move on. Babson's a good school too. So Is Fordham, so is BU. I'll get in SOMEwhere, just not NYU.

So that's it. You're just gonna give up. Let yourself be defeated.

NO, you fucking douchebag, I'm not giving up. I'm preparing myself for the alternative. It's not defeat, in fact, it's the opposite. Do you really think that I'd learn any less at Fordham? Or Rutgers? I wouldn't. There's libraries in every college, there's good teachers in every college. The reason I'm going to any college at ALL is to learn how to be a businessman, and that is something that can be done anywhere.

But the education would be of a higher standard at NYU.

Not necessarily. Considering tuition costs, I would be just as well off were I to buy the textbooks that NYU uses and study them myself. Carry those books off to any school library in the city and what do you have? An auto-didact.

Like you could teach yourself anything relevant to a career.

Watch me.

Wanna bet?

Not necessary. I want to be a businessman, so be it. If I want to manage a pharmaceutical company, then I'll need to study finance. Management. and the inner workings of actually MAKING pharmaceuticals before I even begin. Where does that knowledge come from? It comes from books and from interpersonal experiences. Easily obtained.

So you're determined to succeed in life, come what may. Damn the means, damn the consequences, you just want to see this career take off.

Yup.

Good luck to you.

Thanks... poser.

(end)

Monday, December 13, 2010

How to learn, or, how to study for a Psychology test in an odd way

In psychology, I'm learning about learning. There's several types, but the simplest form is habituation. This is a decline in one's response to a stimulus, I.E. anything that exists in your world, once you become used to it. However, there is also DIShabituation, where you renew your attention to that stimulus if if changes.

There is also classical conditioning. Consider the following; you're sitting in a computer lab and you ring a bell. After that, you offer a classmate sitting next to you a stick of gum. That person accepts the stick of gum, and the next day, you do the same thing again. After another day of this, you can ring the bell and your classmate will automatically reach out his hand to take the stick of gum. Why? he associates the sound of the bell with a reward. In math-like terms, you can pair a neutral stimulus (any noise or image) with an unconditioned stimulus (a reward or a punishment) and after several trials ANY animal - bird, monkey, human - will come to associate the two. When the association is strong, you can add another neutral stimulus before the first one and create a second-order conditioning. In the previous example, you could tap the desk or poke the classmate, etc. and eventually just a poke will do the same thing - he'll reach for the stick of gum. However, If you just ring the bell and nothing happens, the association will eventually become EXTINCT, and your subject stops responding. Wait a day or two and try it again - SPONTANEOUS RECALL! The person will make a weak effort to try and get that stick of gum. Give it to him - don't torture the poor guy.

Stimulus generalization means that the conditioned response - what you can get the person to do - can be produced by any similar stimuli. You can also teach him to DISCRIMINATE between similar stimuli, such as two types of bell tones. A high-pitched tone means gum, and a low-pitched tone means no gum. Only the high pitch one will produce the response. Now, here's what's important - the stimulus you're making the person respond to serves as a signal for upcoming events. Learning only occurs if there is a contingency - when something out of the ordinary happens. All animals, humans included, prefer environments in which things are predictable.

A more complex form of conditioning is called OPERANT conditioning. Place a cat inside a box that has a door. That door can only be opened by a lever on the inside. At first, the cat won't know what to do, so it'll scratch and meow and try everything it can to escape. EVENTUALLY, it will step on the lever and the door will open - on the other side of that door will be food or some type of reward. Put the cat back inside the box, and it'll step on the lever a little faster this time. Repeat the procedure 10 or 20 times, and it will know to step on the lever within seconds of entering the box. Here's the kicker; It has no insight as it's doing this - the cat will just gradually make the connection between the action it takes and the result.

If the task is too complex, you can SHAPE the subject to eventually complete the task. To do this, you reward behaviors that are increasingly similar to what you want the subject to do. These behaviors, and the process of 'coaching' them, is called 'successive approximations.'

No matter what you're training somebody to do, you must present a reward or a punishment. That person will have expectations about what kind of reward they'll get - if you give someone a normal amount of dessert, then all is well. If you give them a LOT of dessert, they will be happy! If you give them a tiny smidgen of dessert, they'll be pissed. In any case, their expectations for the future will increase or decrease accordingly. This is called behavioral contrast, and it also occurs if you have a choice between actions. If one action produces a bigger reward, they will ALWAYS take that action. The change of one's expectations to meet the probability of something happening is called the BLOCKING EFFECT.

Food for thought; there are two types of rewards. One kind, you can give to anyone for any reason. An experimenter rewards a subject, or a teacher rewards a student. That's external. There are also INTRINSIC rewards for doing something - that's why people draw, or write, or sing just for the fun of it. Unfortunately, external rewards often overpower intrinsic rewards, and an artist often experiences that if their careers are suddenly met with fame and fortune. At that point, Eminem or Owl City, or even Andy Warhol, will continue singing and painting only because of the money and recognition they earn. That means NEVER become a careerist!! NEVER!

If you present external rewards for something, there are many ways to do so. In partial reinforcement, you choose to reward only some of the organism's responses. This can be dictated by Schedules of Reinforcement - via ratio schedules (give a monkey a banana one out of every ten responses) or interval schedules (one reward every three minutes that the organism has been responding). The best form of training, albeit the slowest, is using a VARIABLE RATIO schedule. When training your dog, you must reward them only some of the time, and at an unpredictable rate. When you do this, the dog will keep responding to your commands even if no treats come for a long time. Likewise, a gambler will keep gambling even if no money is earned for a long time - because the reward is unpredictable. With a variable-ratio method, conditioned behaviors almost NEVER become extinct.

When a rat runs through a maze, it experiences LATENT LEARNING - no aspect of its behavior is changed, but if you place food somewhere in the maze, it will find it very quickly. You do this with your 'mental map' of your world all the time. What's the fastest way to get to your friend's house? You probably know that route so well, you could do it in the dark.

In any type of learning, you want control over your situation. It's only natural - babies even want a measure of control! Give them a play mobile, and put it in their reach. They're happy! They will spin it around and shake it and be absolutely delighted - because they can MOVE the object! Put that same mobile out of reach, however, and the baby quickly loses interest. What's the point? Can't do anything with it. This is called LEARNED HELPLESSNESS, and it happens in all situations. If nothing you do can change a situation, you give up trying. You become depressed, if that situation is important to you. And THAT is why people experience clinical depression.

Most of your street-smarts comes from Observational Learning - monkey see, monkey do. You see your parents act politely, and you will act politely as well. If your parents are aggressive, then you will likewise become aggressive. Vicarious Conditioning is when you make an association because of what someone else does. Example; a rat gets sick from eating poison. Other rats in his group will avoid the poison. Both forms of learning are based on Mirror Neurons, which are specialized cells in the brain that fire whenever an animal performs an action, and also whenever that animal watches another performing the same action.

Prepared Learning occurs without extensive training because of an evolved predisposition to that behavior. We humans can master languages by the time we're three years old. We also quickly learn to fear snakes after seeing one or two pictures of them, and seeing how others react to those pictures with fear.

All animals learn to avoid bad-tasting things VERY quickly. After just one exposure to a bad-tasting food, or a food that makes an animal ill, it will avoid that food in the future. This is more rapid and efficient than all other forms of learning, and it is appropriately called "Taste-Aversion Learning."


There are biological constraints on what different species can learn. A pidgeon can learn to peck at a target and get a reward, and it can learn to flap and hop away to avoid an electric shock, BUT, you can't easily train it to do the reverse - make it flap and hop around to get a reward. What's the point? That animal is evolutionarily disposed to running away from bad things and pecking at good things.

Regardless of how disposed an animal is to certain types of learning, the process itself is almost identical in all species. Habituation, classical conditioning, and Operant Conditioning - as well as latent learning, Observational Learning, and Vicarious Conditioning happen in ALL species. This is because all animals share certain needs. We all need to learn quickly how to get food, what foods to avoid, where to get it, etc. And we can learn all of that from our own experiences or from watching others. We need to get used to things that provide no new information - that way, you don't waste time staring at a wall or a chair when you could be doing homework!! Therefore, due to natural selection, the present species' of animals are all capable of learning along the same lines. PERMANENT learning is caused by changes in the structure of the brain's neurons. In Presynaptic Facilitation, neurons release more neurotransmitters into the synaptic cleft. In Long-term potentiation, receiving neurons become more responsive to specific inputs, which is caused by repeated stimulation. Learning to play a sport, or play an instrument, occurs because of LTP. Finally, your neurons can form new connections with their neighboring cells by growing new dendrites. With this, neuro messages are sent more quickly and efficiently to their destination.

You don't just learn SOMETHING new every day, you learn a LOT of new things every day. Unless, of course, you live under a rock and don't communicate with the outside world - shrug -. With all types of learning, however, the element of SURPRISE is absolutely key. You have to introduce something new into your world in order for you to learn from it. If it doesn't change, then you gain nothing.

What I keep trying to learn, but am failing to do, is to not procrastinate with studying and getting my assignments done. I don't seem to be punished for procrastinating, thus I keep doing it. One can only hope this doesn't continue for too long. College.. you know?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Change

Going to church without one's parents? Groovy. Playing a star role in a different church's Christmas pageant? I can dig it, man. Getting driven in a town car from New York to New Jersey? Outta SIGHT! Eating nothing but sugar all day? Oh baby. A lot of things are starting to change in my life, and most of them are for the better. For one thing, I'll start getting treatment for ADHD this week, which will improve my quality of life by FAR. Also, as every day passes, I'm getting closer and closer to my sister. We hang out, we talk, we treat each other as equals. I congratulate former me for wanting a sister for Christmas ten years ago.

I am regaining interests in Poetry, Running, playing DDR (which is more important to me than you'd think) and being with my friends. As school winds down, things are getting better and better by the day. Heck, I'm reading the Bible again - which I'd recommend for anyone going through a hard time right now. It's cathartic.

I'll find out about colleges on Wednesday, and from there my life will go on an even broader tangent. Until then, It's time to keep studying. Many tests, quizzes, and projects to worry about this week.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Push It To The Limit

I went for a run today, to start some serious training for a 15k race next week. Being the courageous idiot I am, I did the whole 9 miles after not training for god knows how long. After the fourth mile, it felt like utter SHIT. Let me tell you, the body finds devious ways to try and make you quit running. Why'd I keep going? I had time to build up to that distance, and in all likelihood I was doing more harm to my body than good. I'll tell you why I kept going - because I'm through with quitting. I'm not going to disappoint myself any longer. If I set a goal, I'm going to go through with it no matter the cost.

When I got home, I read most of the ending to "Breaking Night." In it, the main character grows up in the ghetto and loses her mother to AIDS. Her father ends up in a homeless shelter and she's left to fend for herself, skipping the first two years of high school in the process. In the section I read, Elizabeth takes four years of high school in two years' time - resolving to get a solid A average by the end of it. As with anything, this resolution was easier said than done - but she did it. She didn't want to live in the ghetto anymore, not since she saw what life was like in the Suburbs and Downtown Apartments of her wealthy classmates. She chased a dream, and she got it, earning herself admission to Harvard on a full scholarship.

The road she took to get there was hard. She had no permanent home while going through school, and often slept in stairwells or at friends' houses. She had to take part-time jobs in order to buy herself food and clothing, and she took twice the number of classes than what was required, so that she could earn a year's worth of credits in a semester. She was chronically sleep deprived. But even with all that, she found a way to make her dream happen, and today she manages her own company, which is based on helping others to empower themselves.

If she could do it, so can we.

Never give up.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Contraindications

So. I do my work, day after day, and primarily what is sacrificed is sleep. When I DO sleep, I don't get my work done. I just failed a physics test (I think) because I slept more than I should've. Where's the balance, then? There's just not enough hours in a day to do everything I want to do. The last time I ran was on Monday - I'm not NEARLY in shape for the 15k I have to do. I never practiced the french horn for the concert, nor have I rehearsed for the christmas pageant I signed up for.

To top that off, I can't be a good friend. Spending time with them sacrifices time to study, but when I study, I neglect my friends. To all who are reading this, I'm sorry. This isn't how I'm supposed to be living - It never has been. I need to ask the sages; Zaida, Andrew, and others, how they find a balance between work and the rest of life. By learning from their example, I should be able to correct this before it gets too out of hand.

I've managed to solve most problems I've ever been faced with. This, too, is correctable.

And It's correctable for you, too. I'll show you how once I get it figured out.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Poetry

Try writing a formal poem. One that follows a standard format - sonnet, limerick, couplet, haiku, etc. You will quickly find that what you could easily say with prose is almost impossible to express under the constraints of a poem. That is why poets are so revered in society - they have DISCIPLINE. They feel emotions very strongly, and they can set them down on paper even if the process takes days or weeks.

Whatever strong emotions you have felt this week, write a poem about them and post them to your blog. I will do the same shortly.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Odd

What is all this talk about Senioritis, then? Is it some communicable disease that everyone in my class will contract? Is it an excuse for us to cease work at once and become layabouts? Is it within or beyond our control? For me, it does not exist. I do my work despite the bluster, despite the partying ways of my friends. Why? Because I'm scared of failure. I've been down that road before, and it feels terrible. Parents and siblings, friends, teachers - all of society looks down upon you. On the contrary, if you work hard, you are respected. I AM respected.

I will continue to work, to sacrifice sleep, into second semester. I've only got one life to live, and it costs a fortune to send me to this school, so I need to make the most of it. God forbid I become like my peers. You ought to see how hard they strive for escapism - and fail. Drugs, parties, gratuitious sex, and slacking all around. They don't even know how good they have it! Send them to Malawi for a week - how do you think they'd fare? Or ship them across the border, to Mexico; would they learn some gratitude then? Would they grow up a little? I don't know. One of my exes took a trip to Alaska last summer for a community service project. She came back acting even younger than she had been before.

Lately I've been acting and talking like Dr. House. For good reason, I suppose. Means I'm no longer afraid of people. Hope I don't become THAT antisocial. Then again, if most people can't act their age, why be concerned? I know who my friends are, and that's that.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Reckoning

When a man is denied the right to free speech, free press, and free assembly, there is a reckoning. It happened in Iran, it happened here in the U.S. over Vietnam and the War in Iraq, and It will happen again. This time, however, this reckoning will be global.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-wikileaks-assange-arrest-20101208,0,10353.story

Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, has been arrested over frivolous claims of sexual assault. The truth of the matter is, the sex was consensual and overage. The governments of Sweden and Britain are attempting to defame this man in order to silence him, and their ploy may succeed unless something is done about it. Something MUST be done about it. WikiLeaks and what it stands for, the dissemination of information that the government tries to hide from us, must be preserved at all costs.

You know that motto that the MTA has? "If you see something, say something?" It's true. If you see an injustice committed by ANYONE, it is your duty to speak up. Otherwise, you are condoning that act. Remember; those who witnessed the holocaust did not speak up.