Saturday, October 23, 2010

Love

Love IS that something bigger. I realized that after finishing the last post. It doesn't show itself incredibly often, but when it does, it is a beautiful thing. It is the ultimate force in everything we do. You know the feeling; it can make you do some pretty crazy stuff sometimes, can't it?

I hope it finds me again.

Something bigger

There's gotta be something bigger than this. Than going to school, than having a career, than attending a church or helping with a charity organization. There's gotta be something bigger than vacations. There's gotta be more to look forward to than the same old SHIT!

Why are we doing this anyway? Why're we in school in the first place? Why does everyone tell us we have to go to college? The only thing that comes out of it is the 'opportunity' to get a job! Let me tell you, It's gonna take more motivation than that! I've only got one life to live, and I do NOT intend to spend it conventionally. I don't like shopping at supermarkets - I HATE going to the same church week after week, and I. HATE. WORK. the kind of work that doesn't accomplish anything - worksheets and tests and the like. None of that stays in your brain once you're out of school; just ask your parents what the fuck a derivative is!!

There has to be something bigger than sports. No matter how good we get, we won't break the world record. If we DO break the world record, someone else is going to eventually break ours!

There has to be something bigger than watching movies or reading books. There has to be something bigger than making them. Why can't people exercise their own imaginations once in awhile? Why put a monetary value on creativity? Why do we give each other nobel prizes, oscars, and pulitzer? THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHING! The value of the book is contained in the words themselves - not in somebody's opinion of it!

There has to be something bigger than waiting for the future.
There has to be something bigger than living in the present.
There has to be something bigger than remembering the past.

And if there's not, I'm going to have to come up with that something for myself, because the world has become pretty damn predictable these days.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Columbine Complex

I've been to a lot of schools before.

Montrose Christian School - Rockville MD (private)
Westland Middle School - Bethesda MD (public)
New Providence High School - New Providence NJ (public)
Columbia Preparatory School - New York NY (private)

Each one of them had bullies and victims of bullies. The private schools were usually more mellow than the public ones, but sometimes the opposite was the case. In each instance, there were a select few kids whom I knew personally that had a Columbine Complex. They were the social outcasts, the kids who got picked on whenever they raised their voice in class or in the lunchroom. They were angry at those who picked on them; so angry that stronger provocations would have sent them over the edge. One of the kids I knew well often talked about what It would be like to blow up the school. Neither he nor the other kids I knew were sociopaths; they just got messed with too often.

Some of the problems our education system have faced in the last century include school shootings, suicides, pervasive drug use, and clinically depressed children. Rather than solving the source of these problems, we treat the symptoms. We encourage our students to be on the lookout for the next school shooter. We offer them suicide prevention hotlines, host 'Freedom from Chemical Dependency' groups, and prescribe them antidepressant medication - none of it is effective in the long term. The source of all of these problems lies in the way our schools are structured; the classroom setting discourages interstudent communication, encourages competition for the sake of grades, and promotes hostility by putting large numbers of people in small spaces - cafeterias are a classic example. Recess has been all but eliminated, and lunchtime has become a rushed process. In my opinion, extensive security systems are the main reason there haven't been more cases of armed violence at school.

I believe that If these problems are to be dealt with, the system must be changed. Students should be encouraged to communicate and work together at every opportunity, with curriculums favoring group projects and presentations over individual homework assignments and testing. Given greater opportunities for open dialogue, physical and verbal aggression could be quelled before it even starts. Students would come to a consensus on Issues such as Socioeconomic differences, sexual Identities, and friendships and romances in a peaceful manner if they were allowed to talk about them more.

A cautionary example - the Larry King shooting. Had the children at this school been allowed to talk openly about the LGBT community, which almost never happens on a middle school level, they could've come to an understanding about their gay classmate. They wouldn't have felt threatened by him and would probably even be friends with him. This was not the case, and you can see the consequence. Here's the Wikipedia article of the event;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.O._Green_School_shooting

In sum - allow kids to talk amongst themselves more. Otherwise they become ticking time bombs, despite your best intentions. I call it the Columbine Complex for a reason; watch the movie 'Elephant' If you need further clarification.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Game Theory

As I've said before - this isn't real, this a game. Because It's a game, there are rules to it. Limitations, strictures, codes, and plans of action that are fed into your life and the lives of those around you. THEY can control US when we follow the same patterns every day. Our predictability eliminates the need for thought - ever notice how time passes in class? How automatically you copy the teachers' words into your notebook? That's a pattern.

In order to determine your own life, you must break their patterns when you see them. If you wear predictable clothing - wear something you've never put on before. If you study in the same spot every day, then study elsewhere. If you find yourself consistently saying 'no' to something, then say 'yes.'

A small example - today I'm making a sketch for art history; "St. Jerome In his Study" by Albrecht Durer. I've NEVER done an accurate sketch in my life, yet here I am, and I'm enjoying it. Another example - Mr. Kawano gave me a small yellow sphere and told me to take it home, put it in a glass of water, and watch what happens.

(that's currently an experiment in progress, so I'll update this later)

In matters of time, especially, you have to watch for the patterns. If you show up to class at the same time every day, then show up a minute earlier or a minute later. Keep THEM guessing! Remember, YOU determine your own life, right? Right. Then take control; never become predictable.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Rubicon

Tomorrow I'm going to take the SAT

this will determine if I get into NYU or not

I have studied, I will continue to study, and I am rested enough.

What I need right now, Is focus. I can't think for a moment that I won't make it.

The sun shines bright though it is descending. My friends are all around me, living their lives, yet reaching out and supporting me. I am strong. I have fallen in the past, but every time I have risen up, climbed a mountain, and reached a plateau to launch myself from. After this, I have no idea where I'm going. I have so many choices, known and unknown, that it's almost frightening. Yet here we are, standing at the banks of the Rubicon, deciding whether or not to cross. I will cross it. I will gather every ounce of intellect I have and ace this test as I've done with all the others.

Nothing can stop me.

Nothing can stop you.

Here we are Juggernaut

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Loneliness

You cant avoid pain by fencing yourself up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.
People want to be needed, so let them to.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed, then let them to.

You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.

You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
I´ve been through it myself and i know. i know. i know. i know i know..

People want to be needed, then let them to.

I am needed by many, and many ask things of me. I want to please them all, but.. can I? Why must I? What drives me to lower myself for the sake of others? Because that's what Is right. They will love you for it. But they don't! Look, see, there is a routine in interactions - when their lives reach critical, they vent to me. They want me to tell them things will get better, and that I can help them. So I offer my consolation, my advice, and my time and resources. Those resources then go unused. They forget. Then they come back. Endless cycle.

Until the next one calls on me, I sit here in this room quietly mulling over the thoughts and conversations of the day. I do my work quietly (aided by things that are probably bad for me), then I waste some time on technology, then I sleep.

Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me;

I'm the same boy I used to be.