Overthinking

Introspection's always been my greatest asset. If I can examine myself, I can make things better, right? That's probably true, yet it brings down my level of self-esteem. Therefore, I shouldn't overthink myself, my own actions, feelings, etc. I should just.. be.

Just be.

Healing

Sleep as much as you can. Yes, there is much to be done, but you'll thank me for it. 8 hours minimum, 9 hours optimum - if you do this for a few days on end, you'll start to notice a change in your brain function. You'll be able to get out of bed easier, and your mood will improve. Your skill at many tasks will improve, and your reaction times will be faster. Overall, your body will be like an entirely different being from what it was before; all because of sleep.

It doesn't matter how much you have to do or WHAT it is you have to do - It will be done better if you are well rested. No exceptions.

When you have been injured, or if you have fallen ill, your body does the most healing when you are asleep.

If you have an emotional / mental disorder, much of the underlying chemical imbalances can be treated by altering your sleep patterns.

Obesity and weight gain are linked to less hours - on average - spent sleeping at night. The converse is true - thin people sleep more.

I.E. GO TO BED =)

Poetry Post

Untitled

Emotions, like waves,
build until they start to break -
day and night alike.

Pause

It's interesting to watch.
more so, sometimes, than to do it yourself.
(especially in matters of women)
Action demands effort, and attention;
kills time I do not have.
Waiting is a different creature; horror!
So, too, with politesse.
Today, my only wish is to sleep,
to once again feel someone under my wing.
I dream of the good life
catching a glimpse of joy, I remember!
rekindling the strongest hopes of childhood.

(more to come later)

Cheers

Deanna, I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me these past several years. Your emotional support has gotten me through hard times, and you've laughed with me during the good times. You've trusted me with some of your deepest secrets as I've entrusted you with mine. You've helped me to become a better writer thanks to this ritual of blogging (at least I hope I haven't gotten any worse!). What's more, you gave me needed advice when I couldn't ask my parents, and you consistently keep me out of trouble. For this, and for everything else that's gone into our friendship, I thank you. Much of what I am today is because of you.

Right now, I know that you're going through a hard time. With family, with school; with life in general. I also know that you have the strength to win this. What do I mean by 'this'? It's a race. Each stage of life is a race, and there are many hurdles you have to jump over just to finish. Some people make it to the finish line, some don't. You WILL. I know you will. You are prettier, wiser, and tougher than any girl I've ever known.

As you go through break, take the time to relax. Let the unimportant things go, and give a big hug to each of your loved ones. As you keep telling me - today is the only day that matters. Are you happy? If not, what can you do that will make you happy?

I Love You.

- Cameron Beaudreault

Tron

Saw Tron: Legacy last night. Interesting movie, with some interesting concepts behind it. The evil character, 'Clue' attempted to create a perfect world in digital form - eliminating imperfections and random events. Problem is, there's no way to know what 'perfection' is; it's unknowable. Moreover, it can be seen all around us.

Look at the sun, the trees, the mountains. The water. All of it is perfect. Now look at you. You are perfect. Not in the sense of holiness or physical physical perfection, but in mathematical terms. According to a prominent theory about how the universe works, there are infinite numbers of possibilities that stem from every action and reaction. A billion events can proceed from the birth of just one human being, or one political movement. Only a few possibilities actually make it into the real world BECAUSE so many counter-actions happen.

Look at it this way; you could have been so many things when you were a kid. You wanted to be a painter, maybe, or an astronaut, or a racecar driver. All of those COULD HAVE happened. But external influences made it so that you wouldn't. Maybe your parents weren't able to help you study enough, so you couldn't get the grades necessary to become an astronaut. Maybe you never had a good art teacher as a kid. Thus, your actual career ends up being something... boring. Like a cashier or an accountant. Yet the potential was there at the start, AND - given the right circumstances - you could change your career at any given moment.

Whatever makes you YOU is the sum of the possibilities that came true. A trillion things were potentiated and eliminated, and you can observe what's left. And because of that, you and I are mathematically ideal.

That doesn't mean you don't have any room for change ;)

One last thought: as you approach total order in a system, random acts of chaos spring up. Conversely, as you approach total chaos, random units of organization occur.

Food for thought.

Trough

I should be happy. I've got everything I need at the tip of my fingers - food, water, shelter, entertainment, and friends. I've even got my family close by. But... something's missing. Something basic, something that everyone needs without exception. Oh yeah! Now I remember - It's LOVE!

You seriously couldn't talk about anything else, could you?

I dunno. It's that time of the year again.

Lol, you can't find a girlfriend again, can you?

It's not like I'm NOT TRYING!

That's even more sad. Means nobody wants you.

You may be right.

Like Omar Khayyam Shakil. Nobody wanted him either. Know why?

Why?

Cuz he was FAT.

Are you calling me fat?

Yeah, I am. You're fat, you're lazy, and there's nothing impressive about you that would make you popular with ANY girl.

I've had girlfriends before.

For like how long? Weeks? A couple months at most? You treated them like SHIT.

I was immature then.

And you still ARE. You're after the same thing - sex. And that's never going to change.

But I won't go for it that often.

Shut up, Cam. You know I'm right, you know you're wrong. Accept it.

Then what the hell am I supposed to do?

First you hit rock bottom. You get depressed, gain a little more weight, and maybe lose a friend 'cuz of your moping. Then? You decide that enough is enough. You start lifting weights, you get your muscular - confident - self BACK, and you look around and reach for the first girl that glances in your direction. You need more testosterone.

I see.

(and so our hero resolved to go to Modell's and buy several heavy weights, aiming to lose 15 pounds in two months and gain lean muscle in the process. Does he succeed? Stay tuned)

You know what? Fuck it. Looking back on it, no girl likes me for who I really am, so why bother?


I'm ready.. depression..

Recovery

I haven't been on any serious training program for a long time, and It shows. I'm gaining a bit of weight, my pace has slowed, and my endurance has faded. This all started when I got caught up in schoolwork and - again - got disorganized. Now that I'm on break, that disorganization has ended, and I'm on my way to making it back into the amateur/pro range. I did a 4-miler today in 37 minutes. Slow-as-hell? Yes, but two of those miles were entirely uphill. Can I do better? Yes.

This New Years, instead of drinking, I'm going to run a 4-mile race at midnight. I'm going to come in 3rd, 2nd, or 1st place for my age group. There's no excuse for me NOT to do that well, and it'll motivate me to train for the marathon. Oh, wait, why am I writing this out loud? You guys don't want to hear this; I say this kinda stuff all the time! So what's the point?

The point is, we all make mistakes. I smoke when I should be running, I go after the wrong girls, and I disappoint my friends. Even with all that? Life goes on.

Every mistake you ever made was a chance for you to grow.

Growing Up

You ever think about what it'll be like to be a grown-up? How awesome it'll be when you're on your own, and you don't have to take orders from anyone? It's funny how that idea works, because it's not true. You take orders from a lot of people, some of them meaner than your parents, and you have less of a support network to call on if you're in trouble. Let's back up a sec - RENT? Food? Budget? Laundry?? This shit's gonna be harder than I thought! Exacerbating that is the fact that no one tells you how to do it. You just have to figure out what being an adult IS as you go along.

Maybe that's why much of the world's so silly. Because people don't really grow up all the way. They're bigger, stronger, and older, but the way they think is little different from that of a 12 year old - just a little more complex. Given that, I'm pretty terrified about what it'll be like next year. At the same time, I know I can do this. I've taken care of myself for a couple years now, and not much will have changed. Heck, I'll have more chances to see friends and girlfriends, so that's a plus!

So what about how your parents taught you to live? You know - be polite, make good choices, don't do drugs, go to church, stay out of trouble... the list goes on. Me, I used to laugh at most of those, because they didn't seem to apply. Recently, however, I've been going to church because I WANT to. I've been more polite to people because I WANT to. I stay out of trouble because I've seen the consequences of dealing with the law. Therefore, pretty much everything they'd told me was RIGHT. Damn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're figuring it out for yourself, but there ARE guidelines that your parents have given you. Maybe. If they have, then do listen to them =)

An odd, fictional (?) dialogue.

I find out about NYU's decision tomorrow. Been working hard, for a long time, to get to this moment. Yet I know that there's nothing I can do to change things after tomorrow. This is my 'dream school,' above UPenn, above Harvard, above everything. And that's why God has decided that I won't get in.

That's a rather pessimistic way of looking at things, Cameron, what the hell are you saying?

I'm saying that by expecting something to happen, as if it were my RIGHT, I don't deserve it. There's tens of thousands of students from all around the world with equal credentials to mine - if not better. Therefore, I need my pride cut down.

But won't you be pissed that you didn't get in?

Yes. Very. But that's exactly why I have to accept it and move on. Babson's a good school too. So Is Fordham, so is BU. I'll get in SOMEwhere, just not NYU.

So that's it. You're just gonna give up. Let yourself be defeated.

NO, you fucking douchebag, I'm not giving up. I'm preparing myself for the alternative. It's not defeat, in fact, it's the opposite. Do you really think that I'd learn any less at Fordham? Or Rutgers? I wouldn't. There's libraries in every college, there's good teachers in every college. The reason I'm going to any college at ALL is to learn how to be a businessman, and that is something that can be done anywhere.

But the education would be of a higher standard at NYU.

Not necessarily. Considering tuition costs, I would be just as well off were I to buy the textbooks that NYU uses and study them myself. Carry those books off to any school library in the city and what do you have? An auto-didact.

Like you could teach yourself anything relevant to a career.

Watch me.

Wanna bet?

Not necessary. I want to be a businessman, so be it. If I want to manage a pharmaceutical company, then I'll need to study finance. Management. and the inner workings of actually MAKING pharmaceuticals before I even begin. Where does that knowledge come from? It comes from books and from interpersonal experiences. Easily obtained.

So you're determined to succeed in life, come what may. Damn the means, damn the consequences, you just want to see this career take off.

Yup.

Good luck to you.

Thanks... poser.

(end)

How to learn, or, how to study for a Psychology test in an odd way

In psychology, I'm learning about learning. There's several types, but the simplest form is habituation. This is a decline in one's response to a stimulus, I.E. anything that exists in your world, once you become used to it. However, there is also DIShabituation, where you renew your attention to that stimulus if if changes.

There is also classical conditioning. Consider the following; you're sitting in a computer lab and you ring a bell. After that, you offer a classmate sitting next to you a stick of gum. That person accepts the stick of gum, and the next day, you do the same thing again. After another day of this, you can ring the bell and your classmate will automatically reach out his hand to take the stick of gum. Why? he associates the sound of the bell with a reward. In math-like terms, you can pair a neutral stimulus (any noise or image) with an unconditioned stimulus (a reward or a punishment) and after several trials ANY animal - bird, monkey, human - will come to associate the two. When the association is strong, you can add another neutral stimulus before the first one and create a second-order conditioning. In the previous example, you could tap the desk or poke the classmate, etc. and eventually just a poke will do the same thing - he'll reach for the stick of gum. However, If you just ring the bell and nothing happens, the association will eventually become EXTINCT, and your subject stops responding. Wait a day or two and try it again - SPONTANEOUS RECALL! The person will make a weak effort to try and get that stick of gum. Give it to him - don't torture the poor guy.

Stimulus generalization means that the conditioned response - what you can get the person to do - can be produced by any similar stimuli. You can also teach him to DISCRIMINATE between similar stimuli, such as two types of bell tones. A high-pitched tone means gum, and a low-pitched tone means no gum. Only the high pitch one will produce the response. Now, here's what's important - the stimulus you're making the person respond to serves as a signal for upcoming events. Learning only occurs if there is a contingency - when something out of the ordinary happens. All animals, humans included, prefer environments in which things are predictable.

A more complex form of conditioning is called OPERANT conditioning. Place a cat inside a box that has a door. That door can only be opened by a lever on the inside. At first, the cat won't know what to do, so it'll scratch and meow and try everything it can to escape. EVENTUALLY, it will step on the lever and the door will open - on the other side of that door will be food or some type of reward. Put the cat back inside the box, and it'll step on the lever a little faster this time. Repeat the procedure 10 or 20 times, and it will know to step on the lever within seconds of entering the box. Here's the kicker; It has no insight as it's doing this - the cat will just gradually make the connection between the action it takes and the result.

If the task is too complex, you can SHAPE the subject to eventually complete the task. To do this, you reward behaviors that are increasingly similar to what you want the subject to do. These behaviors, and the process of 'coaching' them, is called 'successive approximations.'

No matter what you're training somebody to do, you must present a reward or a punishment. That person will have expectations about what kind of reward they'll get - if you give someone a normal amount of dessert, then all is well. If you give them a LOT of dessert, they will be happy! If you give them a tiny smidgen of dessert, they'll be pissed. In any case, their expectations for the future will increase or decrease accordingly. This is called behavioral contrast, and it also occurs if you have a choice between actions. If one action produces a bigger reward, they will ALWAYS take that action. The change of one's expectations to meet the probability of something happening is called the BLOCKING EFFECT.

Food for thought; there are two types of rewards. One kind, you can give to anyone for any reason. An experimenter rewards a subject, or a teacher rewards a student. That's external. There are also INTRINSIC rewards for doing something - that's why people draw, or write, or sing just for the fun of it. Unfortunately, external rewards often overpower intrinsic rewards, and an artist often experiences that if their careers are suddenly met with fame and fortune. At that point, Eminem or Owl City, or even Andy Warhol, will continue singing and painting only because of the money and recognition they earn. That means NEVER become a careerist!! NEVER!

If you present external rewards for something, there are many ways to do so. In partial reinforcement, you choose to reward only some of the organism's responses. This can be dictated by Schedules of Reinforcement - via ratio schedules (give a monkey a banana one out of every ten responses) or interval schedules (one reward every three minutes that the organism has been responding). The best form of training, albeit the slowest, is using a VARIABLE RATIO schedule. When training your dog, you must reward them only some of the time, and at an unpredictable rate. When you do this, the dog will keep responding to your commands even if no treats come for a long time. Likewise, a gambler will keep gambling even if no money is earned for a long time - because the reward is unpredictable. With a variable-ratio method, conditioned behaviors almost NEVER become extinct.

When a rat runs through a maze, it experiences LATENT LEARNING - no aspect of its behavior is changed, but if you place food somewhere in the maze, it will find it very quickly. You do this with your 'mental map' of your world all the time. What's the fastest way to get to your friend's house? You probably know that route so well, you could do it in the dark.

In any type of learning, you want control over your situation. It's only natural - babies even want a measure of control! Give them a play mobile, and put it in their reach. They're happy! They will spin it around and shake it and be absolutely delighted - because they can MOVE the object! Put that same mobile out of reach, however, and the baby quickly loses interest. What's the point? Can't do anything with it. This is called LEARNED HELPLESSNESS, and it happens in all situations. If nothing you do can change a situation, you give up trying. You become depressed, if that situation is important to you. And THAT is why people experience clinical depression.

Most of your street-smarts comes from Observational Learning - monkey see, monkey do. You see your parents act politely, and you will act politely as well. If your parents are aggressive, then you will likewise become aggressive. Vicarious Conditioning is when you make an association because of what someone else does. Example; a rat gets sick from eating poison. Other rats in his group will avoid the poison. Both forms of learning are based on Mirror Neurons, which are specialized cells in the brain that fire whenever an animal performs an action, and also whenever that animal watches another performing the same action.

Prepared Learning occurs without extensive training because of an evolved predisposition to that behavior. We humans can master languages by the time we're three years old. We also quickly learn to fear snakes after seeing one or two pictures of them, and seeing how others react to those pictures with fear.

All animals learn to avoid bad-tasting things VERY quickly. After just one exposure to a bad-tasting food, or a food that makes an animal ill, it will avoid that food in the future. This is more rapid and efficient than all other forms of learning, and it is appropriately called "Taste-Aversion Learning."


There are biological constraints on what different species can learn. A pidgeon can learn to peck at a target and get a reward, and it can learn to flap and hop away to avoid an electric shock, BUT, you can't easily train it to do the reverse - make it flap and hop around to get a reward. What's the point? That animal is evolutionarily disposed to running away from bad things and pecking at good things.

Regardless of how disposed an animal is to certain types of learning, the process itself is almost identical in all species. Habituation, classical conditioning, and Operant Conditioning - as well as latent learning, Observational Learning, and Vicarious Conditioning happen in ALL species. This is because all animals share certain needs. We all need to learn quickly how to get food, what foods to avoid, where to get it, etc. And we can learn all of that from our own experiences or from watching others. We need to get used to things that provide no new information - that way, you don't waste time staring at a wall or a chair when you could be doing homework!! Therefore, due to natural selection, the present species' of animals are all capable of learning along the same lines. PERMANENT learning is caused by changes in the structure of the brain's neurons. In Presynaptic Facilitation, neurons release more neurotransmitters into the synaptic cleft. In Long-term potentiation, receiving neurons become more responsive to specific inputs, which is caused by repeated stimulation. Learning to play a sport, or play an instrument, occurs because of LTP. Finally, your neurons can form new connections with their neighboring cells by growing new dendrites. With this, neuro messages are sent more quickly and efficiently to their destination.

You don't just learn SOMETHING new every day, you learn a LOT of new things every day. Unless, of course, you live under a rock and don't communicate with the outside world - shrug -. With all types of learning, however, the element of SURPRISE is absolutely key. You have to introduce something new into your world in order for you to learn from it. If it doesn't change, then you gain nothing.

What I keep trying to learn, but am failing to do, is to not procrastinate with studying and getting my assignments done. I don't seem to be punished for procrastinating, thus I keep doing it. One can only hope this doesn't continue for too long. College.. you know?

Change

Going to church without one's parents? Groovy. Playing a star role in a different church's Christmas pageant? I can dig it, man. Getting driven in a town car from New York to New Jersey? Outta SIGHT! Eating nothing but sugar all day? Oh baby. A lot of things are starting to change in my life, and most of them are for the better. For one thing, I'll start getting treatment for ADHD this week, which will improve my quality of life by FAR. Also, as every day passes, I'm getting closer and closer to my sister. We hang out, we talk, we treat each other as equals. I congratulate former me for wanting a sister for Christmas ten years ago.

I am regaining interests in Poetry, Running, playing DDR (which is more important to me than you'd think) and being with my friends. As school winds down, things are getting better and better by the day. Heck, I'm reading the Bible again - which I'd recommend for anyone going through a hard time right now. It's cathartic.

I'll find out about colleges on Wednesday, and from there my life will go on an even broader tangent. Until then, It's time to keep studying. Many tests, quizzes, and projects to worry about this week.

Push It To The Limit

I went for a run today, to start some serious training for a 15k race next week. Being the courageous idiot I am, I did the whole 9 miles after not training for god knows how long. After the fourth mile, it felt like utter SHIT. Let me tell you, the body finds devious ways to try and make you quit running. Why'd I keep going? I had time to build up to that distance, and in all likelihood I was doing more harm to my body than good. I'll tell you why I kept going - because I'm through with quitting. I'm not going to disappoint myself any longer. If I set a goal, I'm going to go through with it no matter the cost.

When I got home, I read most of the ending to "Breaking Night." In it, the main character grows up in the ghetto and loses her mother to AIDS. Her father ends up in a homeless shelter and she's left to fend for herself, skipping the first two years of high school in the process. In the section I read, Elizabeth takes four years of high school in two years' time - resolving to get a solid A average by the end of it. As with anything, this resolution was easier said than done - but she did it. She didn't want to live in the ghetto anymore, not since she saw what life was like in the Suburbs and Downtown Apartments of her wealthy classmates. She chased a dream, and she got it, earning herself admission to Harvard on a full scholarship.

The road she took to get there was hard. She had no permanent home while going through school, and often slept in stairwells or at friends' houses. She had to take part-time jobs in order to buy herself food and clothing, and she took twice the number of classes than what was required, so that she could earn a year's worth of credits in a semester. She was chronically sleep deprived. But even with all that, she found a way to make her dream happen, and today she manages her own company, which is based on helping others to empower themselves.

If she could do it, so can we.

Never give up.

Contraindications

So. I do my work, day after day, and primarily what is sacrificed is sleep. When I DO sleep, I don't get my work done. I just failed a physics test (I think) because I slept more than I should've. Where's the balance, then? There's just not enough hours in a day to do everything I want to do. The last time I ran was on Monday - I'm not NEARLY in shape for the 15k I have to do. I never practiced the french horn for the concert, nor have I rehearsed for the christmas pageant I signed up for.

To top that off, I can't be a good friend. Spending time with them sacrifices time to study, but when I study, I neglect my friends. To all who are reading this, I'm sorry. This isn't how I'm supposed to be living - It never has been. I need to ask the sages; Zaida, Andrew, and others, how they find a balance between work and the rest of life. By learning from their example, I should be able to correct this before it gets too out of hand.

I've managed to solve most problems I've ever been faced with. This, too, is correctable.

And It's correctable for you, too. I'll show you how once I get it figured out.

Poetry

Try writing a formal poem. One that follows a standard format - sonnet, limerick, couplet, haiku, etc. You will quickly find that what you could easily say with prose is almost impossible to express under the constraints of a poem. That is why poets are so revered in society - they have DISCIPLINE. They feel emotions very strongly, and they can set them down on paper even if the process takes days or weeks.

Whatever strong emotions you have felt this week, write a poem about them and post them to your blog. I will do the same shortly.

Odd

What is all this talk about Senioritis, then? Is it some communicable disease that everyone in my class will contract? Is it an excuse for us to cease work at once and become layabouts? Is it within or beyond our control? For me, it does not exist. I do my work despite the bluster, despite the partying ways of my friends. Why? Because I'm scared of failure. I've been down that road before, and it feels terrible. Parents and siblings, friends, teachers - all of society looks down upon you. On the contrary, if you work hard, you are respected. I AM respected.

I will continue to work, to sacrifice sleep, into second semester. I've only got one life to live, and it costs a fortune to send me to this school, so I need to make the most of it. God forbid I become like my peers. You ought to see how hard they strive for escapism - and fail. Drugs, parties, gratuitious sex, and slacking all around. They don't even know how good they have it! Send them to Malawi for a week - how do you think they'd fare? Or ship them across the border, to Mexico; would they learn some gratitude then? Would they grow up a little? I don't know. One of my exes took a trip to Alaska last summer for a community service project. She came back acting even younger than she had been before.

Lately I've been acting and talking like Dr. House. For good reason, I suppose. Means I'm no longer afraid of people. Hope I don't become THAT antisocial. Then again, if most people can't act their age, why be concerned? I know who my friends are, and that's that.

A Reckoning

When a man is denied the right to free speech, free press, and free assembly, there is a reckoning. It happened in Iran, it happened here in the U.S. over Vietnam and the War in Iraq, and It will happen again. This time, however, this reckoning will be global.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-wikileaks-assange-arrest-20101208,0,10353.story

Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, has been arrested over frivolous claims of sexual assault. The truth of the matter is, the sex was consensual and overage. The governments of Sweden and Britain are attempting to defame this man in order to silence him, and their ploy may succeed unless something is done about it. Something MUST be done about it. WikiLeaks and what it stands for, the dissemination of information that the government tries to hide from us, must be preserved at all costs.

You know that motto that the MTA has? "If you see something, say something?" It's true. If you see an injustice committed by ANYONE, it is your duty to speak up. Otherwise, you are condoning that act. Remember; those who witnessed the holocaust did not speak up.

Thanksgiving

Thank you God for this year. I've grown up, at least some, and I've gotten a lot happier. Thank you for my school, where I've made lots of friends. Thank you for the relationships I've made, especially the two girlfriends I had. Thank you for giving me plenty of food, rest, and energy to get everything done that needed doing. Thank you for being patient with me when I messed up. Special thanks for my family. My mother, father, sister - they are the reason I am who I am. While it's not perfect, and nobody is, i've turned out pretty good so far =).

Thank you for giving me my own home. For my glasses. For my abilities. For my friends; Artem, Deana, Dylan, Nick, Danny, Mello, Zoe, Emily, and countless others.

For teaching me to give thanks, and to be happy. For helping me meditate.

Thank you for everything.

Self-reliance

No one is going to give you motivation. Stop thinking about it that way - if you quit smoking because someone you care about asks you to, then the first time you two have an argument after that you will start smoking again to spite them. If you begin a project or pick up a hobby because a girlfriend or boyfriend wants you to, you will stop once the relationship is over. The same applies to bigger things in life - especially with regards to school or a career. You are your own motivation. If you have a goal that YOU set for yourself, then you are motivated to do whatever you can to reach that goal. So if you want to go to a certain college, or get a certain job, or live a certain life, you'll have to work in order to get there.

Maybe you don't have a goal right now. Maybe you don't want to live a fast-paced life; that's fine. If such is the case, then you have no reason to do what you're doing now. Just take it easy, let it all go, and live for the moment. Many people already do that, and you can see how they live. They're happy enough, aren't they? Even if they're not, they have made their choice. If you are introspective - that is, if you examine yourself - then your choice is to either live for something or to live for nothing. There is no right or wrong about it. Now tell me; which do you want?

Stop

Stop thinking every second of every day. Stop talking when silence is golden. Stop trying to be someone you're not. Stop expecting people to be like you. Stop wishing for something that isn't going to happen. Stop being dramatic about every little detail of your life. Just slow down, come to a stop, and breathe.

Look around you. Do you see beauty? Look inside you. Are you happy? Is your stomach full? Have you slept well? Are you in touch with your friends? What more, then, could you want? Smell a rose or an exotic spice. Listen to music by Chopin or Bach. Touch a piece of soft cloth. Let your senses give you nothing but pleasure for now.

The world doesn't stop moving, people don't stop living, and tasks will always need doing. It can all wait. Your life is what matters most. Don't rush things, you are swimming against the current if you do. Lay down, relax, and let it all go.

Just be.

Where Is my voice when It wants to be heard? Lost in a sea of red tape. Minors cannot vote, although we are sentient. Adults can vote, yet their votes, their opinions, their knowledge of their own country's history and their notions of current affairs are all manipulated by talking heads. The message is the same - things are bad everywhere. They will get worse unless you cooperate. If you do what we say, we will take away the scary things and everything will be okay again. There is no escape from this cycle.

Our government controls the way we think, the way we work, the foods and chemicals we put into our bodies, and even the way we can express love. (laws governing gay marriage, sexual relations, etc.) Our medicines are poisons, our homes are forms of debt, and our entertainments are forms of slavery and mind control. The most popular songs today. Reality T.V. shows - Jersey Shore, The Fairy Jobmother, Weeds, 24, House, Hung. Our freedoms of speech, press, religion, and assembly have been systematically repressed. Our other rights are being infringed on and marginalized into obscurity. Our right to bear arms. The protections against unlawful search and seizure. The right to due process of law. The right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury of the State in ALL criminal prosecutions. The prohibition against excessive bails and cruel and unusual punishments. The powers of the states and the people. What it all boils down to is this: we are not free.

Very soon there is going to be a reckoning. A group of people will realize these injustices and fight against them. They will succeed, but the struggle will be long. There will be much bloodshed, many tears, and many mothers will have lost their sons. At the end of this struggle, there may or may not be a United States of America. For my part, I hope there is. Whatever happens, we must be ready. We must know who our friends are and what our rights are. We must not become immoral people, and we must not give up hope no matter how bleak the future seems.

Be ready.

A New Hope

Life is a sine wave. everything comes in waves; the good, the bad, the ugly. If you recognize this, then use it to your advantage. There are always critical points where everything changes direction, and you are left floating in a sea of ambiguity. You must no slip or stumble. If you put every ounce of energy into your endeavors, you will conquer! You will become the Merlin of poetry, the morgana lefay of music, or the dufresne of cinema. So summon your willpower and have it perform wonders at your command! Study even if you're inclined not to. Do your homework, finish your projects, even if you think you can't. Each phase of your life is a marathon; be proud of your training, and use it to finish. The only difference between a slacker and an all-star student lies in the effort one puts into their education. there is a corollary to this "effort theorem." If you do not try, you will not succeed. If you procrastinate in school, if you don't pay attention in class, you will be disappointed. You won't get the transcript you want, nor the education you deserve. Therefore, for the love of god, put effort into your life! When there is a will, there is always a way.

Above all, ask for help! Help is everywhere and within your reach if you but ask. Your classmates have knowledge that you need, and they will share it with you. Your teachers have solutions to your problems; they can give you extra credit and clarify any questions you may have. They can give you the materials necessary to ace their class. Teachers are your friends! They want you to do well! The same goes with your parents and college counselors. If you have a goal and you need help doing it, ASK. I learned this just recently, and it has made the difference in every aspect of my life since.

As a teenager, you are dumb. Clinically dumb. And this dumbness only goes away when you become an adult. You are also bipolar; your moods shift wildly every day. You need to not let it get to you. No mistake is fatal, no matter how bad it is. And however serious you think things are, they are NOT. So relax! Chill out and don't be afraid to laugh at your mistakes, and never dwell on them for any length of time. It's just not worth it.

Realize that your life is a pattern, a routine. You need that routine to function well, but don't make it completely inflexible. Do something every day that scares you. Make conversation with a new person. Never say no unless you have reason to. Never believe that you are an expert at something, because someone will always be better than you at it. Instead, always see yourself as a student and work to get BETTER. If you can do this, tell me how. Do not worry about what the future holds; most of it is neutral, some of it is very good, and some of it is downright awful. Nothing you do now has any effect on this big things of the future, therefore, live in the moment.

Children, learn from your elders. Elders, learn from your children. Both of you were born without wisdom and helpless, and you will die equally so. The knowledge you acquire from others and pass on is the greatest contribution you will EVER make to humanity besides having children. In this way does our society evolve. Therefore, to whoever reads this piece of literature: GO WRITE SOMETHING ON YOUR BLOG.

Thank you.

Love

Love IS that something bigger. I realized that after finishing the last post. It doesn't show itself incredibly often, but when it does, it is a beautiful thing. It is the ultimate force in everything we do. You know the feeling; it can make you do some pretty crazy stuff sometimes, can't it?

I hope it finds me again.

Something bigger

There's gotta be something bigger than this. Than going to school, than having a career, than attending a church or helping with a charity organization. There's gotta be something bigger than vacations. There's gotta be more to look forward to than the same old SHIT!

Why are we doing this anyway? Why're we in school in the first place? Why does everyone tell us we have to go to college? The only thing that comes out of it is the 'opportunity' to get a job! Let me tell you, It's gonna take more motivation than that! I've only got one life to live, and I do NOT intend to spend it conventionally. I don't like shopping at supermarkets - I HATE going to the same church week after week, and I. HATE. WORK. the kind of work that doesn't accomplish anything - worksheets and tests and the like. None of that stays in your brain once you're out of school; just ask your parents what the fuck a derivative is!!

There has to be something bigger than sports. No matter how good we get, we won't break the world record. If we DO break the world record, someone else is going to eventually break ours!

There has to be something bigger than watching movies or reading books. There has to be something bigger than making them. Why can't people exercise their own imaginations once in awhile? Why put a monetary value on creativity? Why do we give each other nobel prizes, oscars, and pulitzer? THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHING! The value of the book is contained in the words themselves - not in somebody's opinion of it!

There has to be something bigger than waiting for the future.
There has to be something bigger than living in the present.
There has to be something bigger than remembering the past.

And if there's not, I'm going to have to come up with that something for myself, because the world has become pretty damn predictable these days.

The Columbine Complex

I've been to a lot of schools before.

Montrose Christian School - Rockville MD (private)
Westland Middle School - Bethesda MD (public)
New Providence High School - New Providence NJ (public)
Columbia Preparatory School - New York NY (private)

Each one of them had bullies and victims of bullies. The private schools were usually more mellow than the public ones, but sometimes the opposite was the case. In each instance, there were a select few kids whom I knew personally that had a Columbine Complex. They were the social outcasts, the kids who got picked on whenever they raised their voice in class or in the lunchroom. They were angry at those who picked on them; so angry that stronger provocations would have sent them over the edge. One of the kids I knew well often talked about what It would be like to blow up the school. Neither he nor the other kids I knew were sociopaths; they just got messed with too often.

Some of the problems our education system have faced in the last century include school shootings, suicides, pervasive drug use, and clinically depressed children. Rather than solving the source of these problems, we treat the symptoms. We encourage our students to be on the lookout for the next school shooter. We offer them suicide prevention hotlines, host 'Freedom from Chemical Dependency' groups, and prescribe them antidepressant medication - none of it is effective in the long term. The source of all of these problems lies in the way our schools are structured; the classroom setting discourages interstudent communication, encourages competition for the sake of grades, and promotes hostility by putting large numbers of people in small spaces - cafeterias are a classic example. Recess has been all but eliminated, and lunchtime has become a rushed process. In my opinion, extensive security systems are the main reason there haven't been more cases of armed violence at school.

I believe that If these problems are to be dealt with, the system must be changed. Students should be encouraged to communicate and work together at every opportunity, with curriculums favoring group projects and presentations over individual homework assignments and testing. Given greater opportunities for open dialogue, physical and verbal aggression could be quelled before it even starts. Students would come to a consensus on Issues such as Socioeconomic differences, sexual Identities, and friendships and romances in a peaceful manner if they were allowed to talk about them more.

A cautionary example - the Larry King shooting. Had the children at this school been allowed to talk openly about the LGBT community, which almost never happens on a middle school level, they could've come to an understanding about their gay classmate. They wouldn't have felt threatened by him and would probably even be friends with him. This was not the case, and you can see the consequence. Here's the Wikipedia article of the event;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.O._Green_School_shooting

In sum - allow kids to talk amongst themselves more. Otherwise they become ticking time bombs, despite your best intentions. I call it the Columbine Complex for a reason; watch the movie 'Elephant' If you need further clarification.

Game Theory

As I've said before - this isn't real, this a game. Because It's a game, there are rules to it. Limitations, strictures, codes, and plans of action that are fed into your life and the lives of those around you. THEY can control US when we follow the same patterns every day. Our predictability eliminates the need for thought - ever notice how time passes in class? How automatically you copy the teachers' words into your notebook? That's a pattern.

In order to determine your own life, you must break their patterns when you see them. If you wear predictable clothing - wear something you've never put on before. If you study in the same spot every day, then study elsewhere. If you find yourself consistently saying 'no' to something, then say 'yes.'

A small example - today I'm making a sketch for art history; "St. Jerome In his Study" by Albrecht Durer. I've NEVER done an accurate sketch in my life, yet here I am, and I'm enjoying it. Another example - Mr. Kawano gave me a small yellow sphere and told me to take it home, put it in a glass of water, and watch what happens.

(that's currently an experiment in progress, so I'll update this later)

In matters of time, especially, you have to watch for the patterns. If you show up to class at the same time every day, then show up a minute earlier or a minute later. Keep THEM guessing! Remember, YOU determine your own life, right? Right. Then take control; never become predictable.

The Rubicon

Tomorrow I'm going to take the SAT

this will determine if I get into NYU or not

I have studied, I will continue to study, and I am rested enough.

What I need right now, Is focus. I can't think for a moment that I won't make it.

The sun shines bright though it is descending. My friends are all around me, living their lives, yet reaching out and supporting me. I am strong. I have fallen in the past, but every time I have risen up, climbed a mountain, and reached a plateau to launch myself from. After this, I have no idea where I'm going. I have so many choices, known and unknown, that it's almost frightening. Yet here we are, standing at the banks of the Rubicon, deciding whether or not to cross. I will cross it. I will gather every ounce of intellect I have and ace this test as I've done with all the others.

Nothing can stop me.

Nothing can stop you.

Here we are Juggernaut

Loneliness

You cant avoid pain by fencing yourself up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.
People want to be needed, so let them to.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed.
People want to be needed, then let them to.

You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
Sometimes need the help of other people more than anything else.
But you have to let them get close enough to help.

You cant avoid pain by fencing your self up.
I´ve been through it myself and i know. i know. i know. i know i know..

People want to be needed, then let them to.

I am needed by many, and many ask things of me. I want to please them all, but.. can I? Why must I? What drives me to lower myself for the sake of others? Because that's what Is right. They will love you for it. But they don't! Look, see, there is a routine in interactions - when their lives reach critical, they vent to me. They want me to tell them things will get better, and that I can help them. So I offer my consolation, my advice, and my time and resources. Those resources then go unused. They forget. Then they come back. Endless cycle.

Until the next one calls on me, I sit here in this room quietly mulling over the thoughts and conversations of the day. I do my work quietly (aided by things that are probably bad for me), then I waste some time on technology, then I sleep.

Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me,
Call on me;

I'm the same boy I used to be.

Sleep

Consciousness is a problem right now

Existentialism

A message

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

Float on

I got on the wrong bus for a cross country meet - missed an AP psych class because I got the wrong time.

Took the subway to where the meet would happen and sprinted off the platform down the stairs hopping a fence and dropping my backpack so I could go faster. Didn't know where the group was - oh there they are! Once the race started, I ran my hardest but I got lost trying to figure out where the finish line was.

Once the meet was over, I go back for my bag but it's missing I can't believe it it's stolen i'm ANGRY! Bus leaves, coach follows me, tells me there's nothing I can do about it. Bag is lost and gone forever.

Felt numb for about 5 seconds then took a deep breath and relaxed because it's not about the stuff I had in there, no, all of it was replaceable even my ten dollar phone i forgot to charge this morning and is dead so i couldn't use it to locate the backpack with mom's GPS thing i'm still creeped out about. that's okay. my wallet wasn't in there my keys and books and folders were but i bought replacements for or found substitutes for everything there.

nothing of value was lost as dee's father could attest to. you can lose literally everything you own and come out okay because you came into the world without anything and you'll leave the same way. I've had stuff stolen before and that was okay you just have to roll with the punches.

Finished all the homework i had to do tonight. there's a test on thursday and an essay I can't do right now because the reading was stolen but that's okay. We'll all float on, ALL RIGHT! Don't you worry, we'll all float on, ALL RIGHT!

If you wanna get somewhere in life, it doesn't matter what happens along the way. that's all irrelevent or anecdotal at best. Enjoy the good and shrug off the bad you'll get fewer anxiety issues panic attacks that way.

love you guys and hope you like this stream of consciousness style I'm trying out. John Updike did it in 'Rabbit, Run' which I read for summer reading and it was really good and seemed to let people see things from INSIDE the main character's head. I wanna show you guys what its like to be in my head not that it's particularly interesting or anything haha but if you're curious then go ahead and take a look because i'd be thrilled if you did!

Duality

I’m going to talk to you directly because you can’t help but look. You’ve been watching me, since I was five years old if not younger, and you’re trying to kill me. You want me to slip up so bad I can’t help but be evil. You want me to give up the fight, convince me that it’s an uphill battle; wall me in so that every last string of hope is broken. Don’t you get it? You’ll never break me. You lost that fight. I’ve got a purpose in life that doesn’t involve devotion to self.

You should not be interfering with my life. You were like me once, but you fucked up so bad it was too late to turn back. Maybe you took too many ‘second chances’ and ended up with nothing. Maybe you didn’t realize there were infinite numbers of second chances. Maybe you didn’t care.

I’m ready for you this time. I’m not scared of you. I felt your presence closest when things were about to end. I feel you in bass-heavy music, in creepy photos and horror movies. I know you watch me from the shadows and you live in the dark. You are a demon. You have a name. You give me power to do the wrong thing.

I’ll never get rid of you.

I want you to realize that you couldn’t exist without me. I wouldn’t exist without you. This duality has existed in every person there ever was. You are incarnation of choice. The choice to do what feels good.

The other half chooses to do what Is right. I don't see him often. I spend too much time with you.

You block me from dreaming of HER. About her. For her. You keep me from realizing my full potential.

Be It so. You won't stop me much longer.

For lack of a better world.

Dear Cam,

As you don't update this nearly as often as you should I'm hacking it.


Remember that day in NYC? I had the time of my life. Running around on the roof of your apartment. Watching a kid laugh as you dropped money all over the street outside of the theatre. Drinking water from wine glasses. Gummy worms.

It's things like that that go with you everywhere in life, no matter where we are, who we're trying to become, or who thinks what about us. Some moments that you have had and are going to have are going to be worth more to you than anything you can imagine. Some experiences you're going to have can't be traded for anything in the world. Some things are just going to be worth everything. Without places that make you smile, memories that make you cry, and people you would die for, life just wouldn't be worth it. Humans were created to live. To be passionate about living. To find things worth living for. Dying for anything is easy, cam. Living for something takes more courage and strength than anything in the world. I dare you to live to be passionate about life. Experience everything you can, be everything you can, make a difference in as many peoples lives as you can. Live to love. And with that love, give life to everything around you.


Love you, as always.
Dee
http://deanna.blogs.xmlhead.com/

Aware

I know who THEY are.

If you're reading this, you do too. I've been searching for answers for awhile now. It seems like I'm asking MORE questions now that I know this.

Where are you Morpheus? I don't know what else to call you. I know you've been watching me; waiting. I want to meet you. I want the truth; It doesn't matter how long it takes, or how dark it is - I need to know.

How far down does the rabbit hole go?
Can I get out? Can they come with?
As long as I'm here - can ALL the rules be bent and broken?
Why me? Why us?
how many of us are there?
Who pulls all the strings? Is it benevolent or malevolent?
Will I ever be able to understand all of it?

why has it taken so long to find out so little?

When does it end

The world

We're all here in a big playground where we can be with each other or choose not to. We can pick up our toys and move to a different area with other playmates if we choose to, or we stay in the same place if things are going good. Some kids are at the top of the jungle gym and they help their friends get up. Some are left standing on the mulch wondering who to play with next. Some go and play by themselves in the corner because there's one else to play with. Others go and tattle on each other - they'll tell mommy, daddy, teacher, or friends in hopes that they'll get comfort and maybe some form of revenge.


The best of us choose to play by ourselves AND with others. We don't tattle on each other, we just laugh it off and move on. We follow the rules we know are good for us - breaking the stupid ones; fully conscious of the risk. We don't use our strength, our words, or our toys to hurt other people when we can avoid it. We can be loud when we want to and we know when to stay quiet. We stand up for our friends and help them to share our successes, avoiding our mistakes. We're not jealous of those who have more than us. We do this because we love ourselves and our playmates.

I'm trying to become that kind of person. I was one of the worst of us, hell, sometimes I still am. I know the key ingredient, though, that it takes to make the 'best' kind - that's the ability to laugh off whatever comes our way.

Thank you all, for everything.

I love you.

it's so obvious!

Why didn't I see it before? who cares? it doesn't matter

nothing matters

nothing really matters

not your job, not your public appearance, and certainly not your ego. not your family, not your friends, and YOU don't matter

don't you get it? nothing's serious

it's a joke. ALL OF IT! it's a joke that only a few people in this world will ever get, and when they do, they laugh from then till the end of eternity

think about it - you can't even get out of here alive! why should you care about what a stranger thinks about you? or what your parents and relationships think?

you are who you are. your ego is what you've learned to be. it's not YOU

you are a baby who's learned to be human

start acting like a baby again. why do they smile so often? because they get that NOTHING is serious.

i'd like to thank the academy ^^

you love me! oh you really love me!

the mask is a great movie, did I mention that? columbia's a great school. deanna's a great friend. Emily's great. mom's great. dad's great. kira's great.

none of it's real, though. it's all in your head

it's up to YOU, bub, to wake up =D

What do I believe?

I believe in one god. The father, the almighty. Maker of heaven and earth. We may worship him him under different names, using different rituals, and in a way that makes us want to fight each other over who's right. I believe that this God created us all basically good, but with the capability for evil, for choice is that which makes us human. This God knows everything, controls everything, and is everywhere. He is willing to forgive us of all sin if we ask him, because he is the embodiment of love. His concept of sin does not include laws made by man - sex outside of marriage is not evil unless done casually, without long term commitment. God does not discriminate against those who are not Christian. Muslims, buddhists, Sikhs, Jews, taoists, Daoists, and all others - if you truly seek the divine, you are part of his kingdom.

God does not tolerate those who place money above him. He is not with corrupt politicians, businessmen, soldiers, and laymen. He is not with those who look down on others, be it based on race, orientation, religion, or otherwise. He is not with those who have the ability to do good but refuse to do so.

God is with those who love mankind and everyone in it. He champions the cause of the terminally ill, the desperately poor, the refugee, the orphan, the widow, and the migrant worker. He stands up for those without food, water, shelter, clothing, or money. He exists inside those who need hope.

God rewards those who give and expect nothing in return. He understands and remits the cause of the suicidal. He is the force that rights an abusive relationship. Ultimately, he is the voice inside you that guides you everyday.

Praise him. Ask of him. Thank him.

Three cups of tea

Ever since I can remember, I have loved money. I like looking at it, touching it, earning it, giving it away and getting it as a gift, spending it both frugally and sometimes wastefully. It's like having a love affair with an inanimate object!

So what's the problem? We're in a country where it isn't that hard to make dough. From any age, those determined to make a salary can do it! The problem? There are people in this world who work twelve to sixteen hours a day, without access to 'essentials' like; clean, running, water, food, electricity, medicine, and transportation besides your own feet. We hear from every which direction that these people exist, that they need help, and that we can solve their problems with a small donation of money. That in of itself is wrong - "Give us the money and that guilty feeling in your stomach will go away." It's like feeding an addiction - every time you give, there's someone else out there who needs more.

I recently discovered an element of African spirituality that us Americans need but do not appreciate. "I am because we are" - Ubuntu. That means that your well-being is tied up in the well-being of others. Of your community.

My community exists all around the world. It's in Maryland, it's in Texas, it's in Alaska, It's in New Jersey, and It's in New York. More recently, that community has extended to Blantyre, Malawi, thanks to a mission trip I returned from less than a week ago. The kids I met there had magnitudes less money than I handled every week, yet they were friendlier and more polite than any New Yorker I've ever met! They were not cliqueish, they did not complain about problems with their life, and they were happy simply to be with us Azungu (white people).

My biggest fear was that once I left Malawi I'd forget these people and go back to my life as a vapid, soulless, self-absorbed teenager. Thankfully, I have not forgotten, thanks to a book called "Three cups of tea" that echoes principles I learned on the mission trip somewhere halfway around the world - In Pakistan.

It told me that you can't just send money, you can't just build a building, you can't just give people food and water or even dig WELLS and expect the problems to leave. If you truly want to make a difference in the world, you follow up with the community you made contact with, following their news and doing everything you can to make sure THEY can support THEMSELVES.

What does that look like for me right now? On the mission trip, I made friends with a kid my age named Grivis who lived in the big city of Blantyre. (other kids as well, but this is the big story) He'd moved out of his home village a few years ago, but he wanted to go back and construct a hydroelectric dam to provide power for that village - by HAND. It'd cost him some $2,000 dollars, about five years savings, to build it himself and attach a power grid to it, NOW - he didn't have anywhere near that kind of money or even the know-how to build the thing, but he was going to school at the country's only university, the University of Malawi, to take classes NOT related to electrical engineering (there were no seats available for those courses) just to borrow and read the books to make his project happen.

I'm going to do everything in my power to help him on this, but it's a deeper thing to crack than you'd first think - he needs to come up with tuition for University, transport to and from his hometown, labor to help him build the dam, and afterwards? He'll need to build his own house and start his own family within that village, hopefully becoming a leader in the process.

I'm not going to do all of this for him, no. I'm going back to Malawi soon. When I do, I'm going to watch and help the dam get built and I'll stay afterwards to ensure the health of the community. Do I expect to be easy? no. Do i expect it do be done on a timetable schedule? no, this is Africa we're talking about here. Do I expect it to make a difference in the community I've become a part of? Yes, because I'm there to STAY.

In your everyday life, never forget that you are what your community is. Be good to your family and they'll reciprocate. Be good to your boyfriend or girlfriend and they'll do the same. Take INTEREST in the hopes and aspirations of your friends, help them if you can, and they'll remember you when it's your time to shine. More importantly, when they have crisis and struggle, even in the everyday rat race, TAKE NOTICE. Support them emotionally and make sure they know someone out there ALWAYS has their back - they'll do the same for you. And at the end of the next stage in your lives, you'll look back on your success and remember how the community helped you.

America, it's time to stop being individuals. It's time to stop insisting on doing it YOUR way, by YOUR rules, on your own time, because of your nature. That was for a time when the fastest way to communicate was snail mail that took days or weeks to send and recieve - NOW is the time to take advantage of the channels of communication, the ease of transportation, and the massive amounts of wealth and resources that we wield. In Malawi, the exchange rate from US dollar to Kwatcha is 1 to 150; it costs 50 Kwatcha to buy a bottle of Coke. A fisherman's weekly salwary is 1000 Kwatcha, or six dollars, yet HE will often give more than half of his salary to support his extended family, or to take care of his aging parents who live WITH him rather than in exile at some nursing home. His brother, often a farmer, will give him some of his crops when fishing doesn't work out so well even if HE'S got little food to spare.

THAT is community. When one has surplus of nothing, yet gives out of what they have. When someone's busy but they carry their neighbor's infant on their back and watch out for them. When brothers and sisters teach their younger siblings right from wrong and look out for them when their parents work in the fields - using their own minds and bodies to entertain them when something so simple as a soccer ball or a jump rope doesn't exist.

That kind of community doesn't exist here. It exists in a world where children beg Azungu for plastic water bottles; their only meat eaten on Christmas and national holidays. The people in that world are smarter than us because of one fundamental thing: they know what their community is.

Do you?

French

"To understand is to forgive" - French judge during the revolution

We are all basically nice to each other, right? We've got our circles of friends and family that we'd make up with no matter what they say or do... within reason. Then that circle gets a little wider with the acquaintances and familiar faces; we'll talk to them if they introduce the topic but if they offend you, you'll ignore them and move on. Then there's the total stranger you see passing by you on the street. He or she doesn't exist longer than the Timespan you see them for. If they get in your face, you get right back in their face and feel good about standing up for yourself. If you're being held up in line at a cafe - yell at the barista! You'll get service faster that way, doesn't really matter if you've added to their bad day or not. Or if you're a soldier. Shoot the enemy because he's been designated the enemy. By who? It doesn't matter, just shoot. Okay. Then you see that they have spouses, children, entire communities dependent on them sometimes. Is that justice? Is that moral?

Is it okay to blame a teacher or a family member on your shortcomings? Do most of us do it, or is it just me?

Is it acceptable to claim that you're fair and balanced, then point out how biased the other person is? Is it just me that does this?

Is it okay to be selfish in day-to-day life, then claim selflessness when you donate a few dollars to charity? Is It just me that does this?

Is it okay to blame celebrities, athletes, and politicians for doing what their human, sometimes hedonistic, sides tell them to do? Falling into drugs, greed, performance-enhancing dope and extramarital affairs when we ourselves would do the same things in their position? "Oh, I would NEVER do that, for I would know better and could keep my life on track." Bullshit.

We cannot blame others for being fat, lazy, greedy, self-righteous, or any other trait we find undesirable, because the truth is, someone out there looks at YOU and judges you with the same level of criticism.

So don't do it. Accept them for who they are and enjoy their good qualities. Forgive the bad ones. Otherwise no one's going to forgive you for yours.

And If you have the ability and motivation for self-improvement; do it. Encourage others to join you if it's appropriate.

Never stop growing.

Political Fu

It’s nobody's fault but Wall Street
we took out loans, going in blind
When our families and neighbors cheered us
Gambling their new fortunes on the side

Then WE'RE offended by organ thefts,
And name-calling. Ignoring
The doom-saying by those who took the time to READ the past
Did WE? No.

men cried when they realized this mistake
It was a form of shortsightedness
In which the fed itself did partake
We are in a new era of prosperity, lasting a thousand years at least
Said they then, and did they now
And afterwards we gape at indiscretions made by the priests

We haven’t yet escaped the rat race
“You’re worthless until you’re in college”
We get steadily more and more rules restricting our intake of knowledge
Instead there’s nonstop partying and spending money that to most would seem debase
What does it matter? There’s only so many ways to get laid
And commitment…Is..just..NOT..ONE OF THEM!

(NO WAY) divorce rates are going through the ROOF these days
And there’s no fucking end in sight
Because polygamy requires legal hazes
and excuses for a tryst to last a whole night
which is all fun and games until someone loses their head
and the spurned lover sets fire to the other's bed

Maybe the divorced realize something we don’t;
That everything comes to an end
That there are ideals that we can’t or won’t
Put up more than a finger to defend
“It’s too much work; who has that kind of time anymore?
I can’t let anything cramp my style
Besides, I heard that in high school, jenny was a whore”
What does that make YOU, Kyle”

What does that make YOU?
What does that make ME?
What does that make THEM?
Is there any solution you can see?
there isn’t
there is
No there isn’t
Yes there is
NO THERE ISN’T
YES THERE IS
NO – THERE - ISNT
YES – THEIR – FUCKING – IS
But it’s up to you to figure it out – not something for me to tell you about

Good night, Ladies and Gentlemen

Rhyme-ku

A distant breeze
heard, not felt
as you, Inside, are warm.
full stomachs sing
nearby, sleeping through the storm

I remember a dream, from a month ago, rather vivid
where nothing from this year was real
and it's screaming with vibes of that lunchroom you can feel 'em
the suggestion was altogether insipid
that somehow, someone, could take away what has been
and replace it with the would-have-been
which might have, honestly, been the end of me as Cameron

examine this, my like-minded friends, and be the judge of my logic
it was middle school, public school, daily evolving my neurotic
tendencies to the point where it was just too much to handle,
well. That is when the city called me up and said "son,
you've got a helluva heavy mantle there. You're so awkward
around boys, girls, teachers, and family alike that some would
say you've gone NUTS! A loser! But i'll tell ya what" and he stops at this point
so he can light a cigar that must've weighed half a ton

"I heard you've got some talent with numbers and shapes, and an appetite for big BUTTS"
We've got all a' dis up here in New York, where if you don't like someone you can say "fuck you"
and move on! A kid's free to be whatever he wants to be; geek, goth, jock, rock, hippie, emo, or yuppie
we'll give you all these options and all you'll give in return (at this he leans close) is your puppy
I made the deal, my parents shifted gears, and soon enough we had ourselves a brand new home -
then the stock market collapsed
so we had a shitload of debt and a lotta domestic strife and the dream exploded into a giant fireball and everybody DIED!

except for me. You know why? Because I've got something that you can never have unless you've walked a mile in my shoes - resilience

it's the strength to go on when your parents hate you, your friends avoid you, and every girl you walk past thinks that you're nothing more than a hunchbacked freak. And this strength comes from the confidence that no matter where you came from, no matter where you are now, and no matter how stupid the future looks; you are going to eventually DOMINATE.

This is not a skill that you can just pick up and read about, no - you're gonna have to survive relatives dying (uh-huh) paychecks bouncing (that's right) your parents divorcing and maybe even (oh no) getting arrested and going to jail. What's gonna separate YOU from the crowd is the ability to rebuild a relationship you thought was done for. The will to keep working at a skill that you have a passion for even when everyone around you is saying "you will FAIL." Most importantly, ladies and gentlemen, resilience is the ability to see reasons behind everything that goes WRONG in your life - and to either change them or learn to live with them.

And in the end, it helps you out to be a little selfish

What if

What if you woke up one day and realized that you had a dream to do something entirely impossible?

Would you go for it? Would you give up?

Would you start off on the road to making it happen, realize that it's too much work, and let it go halfway there?

Do you have a talent that you've been wanting to make SHINE and become the best there is at what you do?

Would you be that one-in-a-million person that sticks it out and gets to where they want to go in life?

Today, I've realized that myself and all of my readers have the ability to make theirs happen. You've got resources; your parents, your friends, your teachers, and your relationships with other people. You've got stable homes and relationships that you can draw emotional and material support from. They want to see you succeed! I want to see you all succeed.

What's my dream? To provide food, water, shelter, medicine, and electricity to every person on the PLANET. To acquire the means to do so, to meet the people that'll help me make it happen, and to achieve it before I die. If it takes to the end of the century, so be it. I'll stick around. Do I have this plan fleshed out? Nope, but I'm working towards it all the time.

What's your dream? Let's hear it! I'll do everything In my power, as a friend to all of you - or more ;) - to help you make it.

Above all, live each day for the present and the future. No regrets; take everything one step at a time and enjoy yourself along the way.

My collection

Everybody with disposable income probably collects SOMETHING or other. Welll, since I was raised in the suburbs, I got caught up in the energy drink craze of 2007 - 08; I collect energy drinks in my spare time. Why this, of all things? Because I HATE sleeping when I'm supposed to be working. Because I LOVE exploring all the different flavors and sensations that they bring about; because I can look at each can I've acquired and recall the exact moment when It was drank, how it tasted, what kind of work I was doing, and how much it helped me complete my task. It's a slightly expensive hobby to maintain, I'll admit, but I've never given IT priority over the important things in life, and therefore it is acceptable to me.

So far i've got 47 different cans in my collection, covering a spectrum of caffeine / taurine gradients from a half-cup of coffee's worth to the equivalent of three double shots of espresso: YES they make those, but they're pretty hard to find. Check the vitamin shoppe. Anyway, i've been keeping the cans in New Jersey this past year, and I didn't make very many additions to the collection, SO over the remaining weeks this summer i'll be on the lookout for more exotic fair. You know something kind of funny, though? The guys that own Rockstar ALSO own Monster, and the guys that own Amp sell Mountain Dew as well. This entire multi-billion dollar industry (it's THAT big, people) is controlled by a handful of corporations that dictate exactly what we're going to drink, and while I'm no conspiracy theorist, it's kind of an unsettling thought for someone like me. I mean, for God's sake, Red Bull is a corporation in its own right by now - they've got entire SPORTS stadiums built under their name by now! Ugh, anyways, down to the nuts and bolts reviews.

Stuff I've tried and loved; NOS energy - tastes like candy minus the disgusting aftertaste of Red Bull. It's got 130 milligrams of caffeine per 8 ounces, making it one of the most powerful members of the pantheon.

5 hour energy; a tiny little shot of goodness that actually lacks caffeine but HAS a ton of vitamins and chemicals that gives you a highly noticeable rush and sense of focus. The niacin gives you a rush of blood to your skin, warming you up, and the b-vitamins will wake you up from any amount of tiredness. VERY worth the three bucks if you've got that kind of money to spend.

Spike shooter - this stuff's even stronger than NOS, containing 300 mg of caffeine per 8 ounce can. Ounce for ounce, it beats the competition, but you can't get it in a bigger size (good thing too, since most people get caffeine poisoning at larger doses). It tastes like cough medicine on steroids, no joke, but the Yohimibine and St. John's wort extract mixed in means that you've got an all-day rush to the head PLUS total focus on whatever you're doing. Did I mention it's got zero calories? That's because it was originally sold as a diet drink - well, it works both ways people! Priced in at 2.50 for New York retailers, this is just about THE best bang for your buck.

That covers my favorites, now i'll just have a quick word about Red Bull -

CHEAP, OVERPRICED, IMPORTED TRASH SOLD IN 4-PACKS LIKE SOME SORT OF BEER; IT IS BY FAR THE WEAKEST ENERGY DRINK YOU CAN FIND ON THE MARKET, YET EVERY COLLEGE FRAT-BOY ACTS LIKE IT'S THE GREATEST PARTY DRINK IN THE FUCKING WORLD! I'M SICK OF PEOPLE SINGING THEIR PRAISES FOR THIS STUFF - IT TASTES BAD, IT FAILS AT ITS INTENDED JOB, AND IT COSTS THE COMPANY NOTHING TO MAKE. STOP BUYING IT!

I've got a little wishlist of brands/flavors I've yet to add to my collection, and if anyone's kind enough to help me out here, I'd MUCH appreciate it.

Lost Five-O - 24 ounce can, colored orange
http://www.lostclothing.com/prod/newsArtical.php?ID=639
Venom; looking for 'mojave rattler' and 'killer taipan' - the yellow and purple ones
http://www.venomenergy.com/
Wired x344 and Wired x505 (you can only get these in the south, unfortunately)

Monster energy shot (the one that's the size of a 5-hour energy)
Rockstar energy shot (same size, they come in two-ounce bottles)
Red Bull energy shot (just to expand the collection, even though I despise the brand)

any and all others in that size bottle besides 5-hour energy. I have few 'shot-size' drinks

Amp Traction

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you've been reading this post all the way through, I thank you for your patience. I can't imagine how they have entire MAGAZINES for those upper class types who collect wine bottles <.<

A thought

What If everyone were bald? Cosmetically, we’d lose a valuable part of ourselves that makes up a majority of our self esteem, and there would be nothing to frame our faces. Socially, we would have a much harder time distinguishing one another in a crowd - often we see a person’s hairstyle before we see their face. We’d lose some protection from the elements, too; on a sunny day we’d run the risk of sunburn, and on a cold day we’d lose a lot more body heat without the wonderful insulator that is hair. Thinking about it holistically, it’d be impossible to give hair meaning. We wouldn’t have a hair-product industry that tries to peddle us organic shampoo and conditioner, models wouldn’t highlight the latest hairstyles on the catwalk, and we wouldn’t make fun of people with receding hairlines or bad hair days. In fact, we wouldn’t have something that we use to judge each other with if nobody had hair anymore.

How would you feel if you lost all your hair? How would you see yourself and how do you think other people would see you? How would you view your best friend if he or she also lost all their hair. How would you view your parents or teachers if THEY were bald? Think about it.

That which we take pride in often comes at the expense of others. For every person with beautiful hair there are five people that are so-so or just downright ugly. This fact divides us between the pretty and the not-pretty. Think about it.

State Fair

Okay, you know one of those days where you're GUARANTEED to remember them the rest of your life? Yesterday's trip to the New Jersey state fair was one of those. As soon as we walk in, they've got BULK CANDY with classic style taffy, WARHEADS, jelly beans, big league chew, and sour straws; all for 3.45 for a half-pound. I paid 5 bucks for the biggest bag of candy i've ever seen... and I didn't even get to finish it all in one night! xD

Me and Kira both got unlimited-ride stamps, so we rode on every single roller coaster there was, took on the GRAVITRON (my favorite ride of all time) twice, bumper cars, haunted houses, a petting zoo - complete with wild lemurs, camels, goats, macaws, llamas, donkeys, miniature horses and an ELEPHANT! Then there was that massive thing that spins you around, flips you upside down at the same time, and in general makes you feel like you're going to throw up like no other (the bright flashy lights everywhere you look did NOT help). Even that one was fun, though, I just wish I hadn't eaten beforehand. Remind me to never eat a fried oreo again, hmm? Tasty, but just.. UGH. They had corn dogs - nostalgia from my childhood - so that was pretty bamf. OOOOH and they had the glider thing! It was this easy, kind of kiddie ride, where you lay down on your stomach on this glider contraption and you're spun around so it feels like you're flying. THAT made the whole trip worth it; I haven't been in that one or the Gravitron since 6th grade.

Ride-gasm and food orgy aside, they also had a magic show that was really effective, and a hypnotist that was plying his trade near the beginning of the fair. All in all, it's worth the price if anyone wants to head to Giant's stadium before July 5.

On Andy Warhol

visited where he used to live (and got shot by a feminist in '68) which has now been turned into a small public park. Felt his vibes when I went there, so I wrote a poem.

231 47th street

Peace endures here.
The building is gone,
then again, so is that phase of New York.
An old man sits on a park bench nearby,
passing on stories
A young man listens
while others contemplate an artificial waterfall,
searching there for wisdom.
I wonder if anyone knows what happened,
and if they did, would they care?
Thankfully, HER memory does not remain.
What is left is HIS spirit
as it was in the beginning

The Gravy Train

I feel like I've never been stronger, smarter, or overall happier than I am now. I run twelve miles a day, exploring different parts of Manhattan as I do so (yesterday I went all the way down to Chelsea piers and back via Riverside. Absolutely BEAUTIFUL.), and spend the rest of the day reading, swimming, biking, watching Movies, and playing an occasional videogame.

Sounds pretty Idyllic, yeah? I guess you could say that... but I don't feel as 'complete' as I should. I haven't seen any of my friends since summer officially began (except for Liam, YOU ROCK, MAN!) and those I could have the opportunity to hang with do nothing but smoke pot all day. Last year I'd have jumped at the chance, but seriously, I think it's time to get a new set of friends. On top of that, I haven't seen Bri in days. Don't expect to see her for another two months at that, which judging by the way things are going, Is going to be a major drag on this summer.

Still, there IS something to be said for being able to stay up till all hours doing whatever you please. I even got my mom to LET me go out at night so I don't have to sneak out anymore! I just got a proper utility belt for my long runs AND stocked up on food for the week, and I've still got enough money left over for a movie If I wanna go see one. =) allright, I'm cheered up now. But seriously, readers, if any of you ARE indeed reading this - we must hang out sometime this or next week. I'm going bloody stir crazy!

As an aside - mom started her new job at Shearmann and Sterling yesterday. This works out, I'll never have to worry about pocket money EVER AGAIN, heheh WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Nevermind

Thanks, Dorot. Thanks a lot. This is the last internship I bother to sign up for; my rock and my hope for some community service hours that benefit both me and the community I'd be working for, and you reject me. Do you think this was beneficial in some way? That there was some child more qualified to deal with seniors than I? Let it be so. Frankly, I could care less, because that means I have five full days a week to train for the double marathon this summer AND study to ace my ACT's.

I could raise a fuss and cause hell for you guys and your sponsors that keep that place running, but why bother? Once I've got a Ron Perelman-size fortune tucked away somewhere, you'll see where the mistake was. I'll simply give the money to those competing for the donations you get - and there are many of such kind in New york - and your entire 'generations' spiel will become an outdated, marginalized, antique.

At least I won't be wasting my time this summer on some feel-good project. In that sense, YES, THANK YOU, Dorot. Let someone who aspires to join the peace corps take my place.

From Saturday, June 27

Never really started watching sports with any sort of enthusiasm till recently. Not sure how good a peripatetic I am, but the first thing that got me going was winning PSAL for track. Cheered for my team during NYSAIS - we get our asses handed to us by Hackley and Collegiate; Hackley took first place in states. While David’s son attends collegiate, he agrees with me that Hackley’s players and parents are pretty obnoxious about their winnings.

Then Bri gets me into Wimbledon - actually watched a match that Andy Roddick predictably won and a bit of the Mahut/Isner match during the second day. Since I’m absolutely WIRED from a pot of coffee I brewed this afternoon, I’ll have to catch up with that at some point tonight.

And of course there’s the world cup. The closest America has come to winning in YEARS upon YEARS, and Ghana destroys us on a lucky shot, running the clock well past overtime and having refs that played favorites allowing them to drop to the field when they didn’t get hit at all! Be it noted that our own players, Including Dempsey, were knocked around several times during some critical moments but each time they got back on their feet and kept playing, despite the fact that several of these fouls were visibly intentional. We had our miracle moments up until a minute before the clock ran out - but we were just too tired to go on. We lost to Ghana like this last year, and while I didn’t watch that match, there was some absolutely disgraceful sabotage directed against us today.

I’m a patriot through and through - been cheering “USA!” for the winter and summer Olympics since I was in diapers - and this just cuts me to the bone right here. Will we progress further next year through FIFA? Maybe, maybe not. Will we face equally if not even stiffer competition? Most definitely now that we have the world’s attention. What this tournament has shown is that America is a force to be reckoned with. Whatever successes we make in the future will be built on those we’ve just made, and other countries WILL have reason to fear us. I can only hope that as a country we start paying better attention to international sports and sacrifice our folksier ones in the process.

As it is

I've been talking about wanting to run the island of Manhattan from tip to tip. Yeah, yeah, Cam, just DO it already! Well, today, I took steps to convince my mom to let me do it and she let me buy the gear. It's settled; I'm running it on Friday!!! Before the heat gets crazy, I'm going to take the subway up to the Broadway bridge and start running at 6:00 sharp. Got my water bottles, my utility belt thingy to hold the water and the protein bars, energy gels, and whatnot, and i've got a student subway pass that still works for the time being. PERFECT.

So I guess you gents and gentlewomans can tell I'm pretty excited. Scratch that. I'm PUMPED! The next 36 hours are going to be pretty damn intense, what with the

Wimbledon match to finish
SAT II scores to be returned
Sister to take care of in New Jersey
ACT to study for

and the subsequent getting up at 2 in the morning or so to make the train back to New York in time to start the run!

Fuck, now i'm not necessarily pumped, I'm just freaking NERVOUS, man!

Convergence

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I wear my heart on my sleeves. What can I say? That's how I allow myself to identify with people, to enjoy a good time with them, and over time; to bond with them. That goes for teachers, students (yes I have some), friends, my family once upon a time, and girls. Let me be perfectly clear; I was not always like this. In sixth grade, I was bullied and hurt in so many ways that I couldn't take it anymore. I became withdrawn, sullen, overweight, and angry at everybody I knew and met. No one could understand me; I had a poker face before Lady Gaga even THOUGHT to write that song. I changed schools - 7th and 8th grade were worse. Gained more weight and became angrier. Started listening to metal. Then death metal. Then started looking for the most intense, hateful, mind-twisting music I could find. I was so antisocial that I preferred to sneak out to the back of the school and read Pendragon while sitting next to stray cats during lunch, rather than endure the cafeteria.

Oddly enough, that quest stopped a little in Freshman year. I made friends. My grades improved. My family life was Ideal; while I lived in New Jersey, I could visit my mom on the weekends in New York and play the tourist for a couple days (This was before they got divorced). It regressed in tenth grade as I got stuck with some VERY crappy teachers and a not-so-friendly set of classmates. After christmas, I discover out of nowhere that my mom is intent on divorcing my dad. That's when the drugs, the scum friends, and the self-loathing came in one after another in the span of a few weeks. Took up smoking cigarettes, pot, started drinking, and stayed out till all hours raising hell. Got so bad I ran away from home and stayed with a friend for two days. I just couldn't handle things anymore. My parents still cared about me, oddly, and they hated to see me react like this. My dad suggested I look for a private school in the city and apply - both parents would cooperate to pay for it according to how much they made.

Thanks to them, I went from a 3.0 average in sophomore year to a 3.9 this year. I listen to rock and roll, hip-hop, and pop on a regular basis, choosing to ignore metal unless I'm angry or going for a run. I've made friends at school that i'd follow through hell and back If they asked me to. I took up acting and singing again - doing 'Sweeney Todd' was one of the proudest things i've ever done. I'm closer than ever to both my parents, my sister, and my extended family. I'm physically fit: I ran the NYC marathon last November and I'm training to run twice that distance by fall. Most importantly, in social events, I stopped being the guy that sat in the corner. I went out to parties when allowed, I befriended everyone I could at school, and I tried my hand at romance again. Never allowed myself to until this year; the first attempt failed miserably and the second one backfired. I didn't give up and I didn't go back into my turtle shell - that would've been to admit failure - so when a friend mentioned the possibility of random hookups (wink) and compatible identities, I jumped at the opportunity. The end result of that Is the longest and most emotionally fulfilling relationship I've ever been in, and I thank God every DAY for it. For her. For her being in my life.

Yes, it was a weird introduction. Yes, we've suffered because of past mistakes trusting the opposite sex. That makes no difference in how I feel about her. I am not upset, confused, or bothered at all by the fact that she can't say 'I love you'; that's what messy breakups do to people. I'd noticed it before and wondered, but now that I know why I can empathize with what happened, and I am content. I'll bear my soul again and again, and I'll let my heart get broken by whomever chooses to do so. Why? Because In my line of experience, It's VASTLY better to have loved and been hurt than to not have loved at all. It makes life FUN! It makes things INTERESTING, and you know something else? This is what's good for my emotional health. Whatever's going to happen in the future will happen; I'm not afraid to love.

Question

Who is this person? Why is this person so important to me?

Why does she motivate me to get a six-pack, write the great American novel, run across the world and back, and read a hundred books before I see her next?

Why me?

How does she manage to make me feel like an Alpha Male... when i've got a million flaws I'm constantly trying to fix, smooth out, or downplay?

How much has changed in our lives since we first saw each other?

What can I do to make her happy?

Why does I look at time as - 'how long it's been since I last saw her' and 'when i'll see her next'?

When did I start enjoying pop music?

When did I start smiling again? Who's that who keeps making me laugh?

Who taught me to relax and take it easy once in awhile?

Who's the last person to make me go above and beyond my own expectations, and at the same time make me comfortable to be as I am?

Why does Bri make everything else in life seem just, right, good?

No need to answer. That's just the way things are.

Dorot

The NPO i'm going to be working for this summer, Dorot, means 'Generations' In Hebrew. It's about being a family for seniors whose real families can't take care of them anymore. They don't pay us or the organization for it; they just call us and receive a meal if they need it, or someone to talk to if they're lonely, or a volunteer who can teach them if they want to attend a class. I chose this over other community service projects because I am so grateful for my own family. We eat together for most meals, we hang out (as cheesy as that sounds) a lot both during the week and over the weekends, and yet we're not shut-ins. For the most part, we are happy because we've always got each other to talk to, no matter what the situation.

Some of my earliest memories are of me playing with my mother's father in Texas. I really liked to dig holes when I was little, and at one point I wanted to dig all the way to China, so; Opa (that's his name) got his shovel and dug a hole for me in HIS backyard. It was deeper than I was tall at the time - the only thing I could do to thank him was give him a hug and my little-boy smile. I was blond at the time. Had freckles, too. A few years later, I was really fixated on treehouses - what kid isn't when they're that age? Again, as before, Opa stepped up to the plate and helped me build a two-story tall treehouse in that same backyard. He bought the wood, the nails, the hammers and screwdrivers, and even the saws and roof tiles necessary to make it a real 'house.' We spent almost an entire summer getting that thing built... I've still got the photos we took when It was finished. (nostalgic smile)

My mothers' grandfather owns a farm out there. He's gone now, may he rest in peace, but when I was four years old he'd take us out to the pasture and let me run around and chase his cows xD they're so scared of anything human, they'll take off the moment you start WALKING towards them.


more nostalgia later...

A good start

Just got a fresh mix of techno, rap, and pop on my playlist and I'm not sore at all from yesterday's adventure. Let's see how we can handle a 10k!

Back by popular demand

Someone close told me today; "you keep pushing yourself like this, you'll end up dead." I'd listen to her, but this is really important to me and just may well become a reality If I do it right. And plus; I haven't run legitimately since Sunday night's 8-mile. To that end, this morning I went twelve miles in Central Park facing suicide bikers, annoying-ass cars and rickshaws, and runners who go so damn slow they're essentially WALKING! But that didn't make it an unpleasant run; far from it! I had my ipod with me, and I was listening to a fresh mix of Techno and Metal that kept me going even when my muscles said 'Quit.' During the last couple of miles, I even felt that all-to-familiar endorphin rush everyone talks about after their first jog. MAN, does it feel good to be back in the game!

Shortly after, I make myself a healthy lunch for the first time in recent memory and wash it down with Creatine. The result? I'm full for a good six hours, I feel tired but incredibly strong, and had an overwhelming sense of accomplishment about the day.

I go out with Liam to check out the Highline, talking about everything from William Shatner to 'Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend' to the fucking Star Wars Christmas Special xD we have the strangest sense of humor imaginable. I'd say we spent about two and a half to three hours together, but It passed by in what felt like five minutes, the guy's that much fun to be around. Quite glad to call him my bro. We never stayed in one place too long; we walked the length of the park and sat down once or twice at the theater area (still crowded with hipsters, by the way) and paused to look around at some interesting buildings that faced the water and the downtown area (as a note-to-self, the one that David's friend designed looks quite nice at 2 in the afternoon). One memorable building that was black-and-brown had misshapen windows and was assymetrically laid out. I ask Liam "whaddya call that? Modern art?" He replies in a gravely serious voice; "No.. In Britain they call it spotted dick."

So now it's 7:50 pm, the sun is setting, and I get an Email from Dorot saying that I've got a shot at this internship I've been wanting. Could things possibly get any better?

This entire week, really, has been really good for me. Monday and Tuesday were just SPECTACULAR thanks to a certain someone, and whether it's because we can act, because we're naturally creative, or just because we have similar interests, we spent both afternoons acting out things the Bohemian way ;) . I've never felt closer to someone, been satisfied by something, or have made someone as happy as I (think I) have yesterday.

I can only hope that I learn over time to be less selfish