Today is the last day of school for junior year. I have only three classes to attend - the rest of it will be spent saying goodbye to everyone who's helped me grow and thrive here. I'm walking through the halls, joking with Steven about everything for a good hour and a half, but on the inside I'm sad. I don't want to leave for the summer - I want to keep learning, keep singing, keep being a great student! I want to be able to walk across the park and come see you when you're not busy. I want to keep hanging out with all these great friends i've acquired over the past several months! (you guys BETTER be staying in the city for some of the time <3 )
But i'll be okay. I'm getting a job that'll bring in some income - I won't waste the money on stupid stuff, I'll invest it like a good businessman. I'll run every morning and every evening, coming back to cross country with ten times more strength than I had before. I'll write the great American novel sitting in cafes near Union square, sipping espresso and sporting a goatee that my mom will probably LOATHE. Yes sir, that's the life for me =).
I'll be traveling for some of it - going to Texas for a week to work on my grandparents' farm. Shoveling shit for one day, rebuilding the fences and chicken coops another, planting seed the next, hunting, camping, sweating. That's a form of Zen for someone who has to think 24/7 for most of his life. There's virtually no one there who can carry on a decent conversation, but i'm not there for conversation. There are exactly ZERO attractive people there, but again, that's not what i'm going there for ;)
I'll be updating this every day, tracking my progress, posting bits of literature as I go. Meanwhile, what I need my readers to do right now, Is to post comments on this thing if the content pleases you. Feels like i'm yelling into a wind tunnel here - it's empty.
On this same profile, but under a different blog, i'm going to begin that publication I was talking about. The first edition should come out a week from tomorrow - I need you guys to send me any piece of literature you haven't shown me before that date, and we'll see what we can do with it.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
We forgot
We forgot the Armenians. After all, we didn't do it.
We forgot the cambodians; Pol pot is dead.
We forgot the Tutsi. After all, there wasn't much we could do
We forgot the Sudanese. We stopped talking about them as soon as the peace treaty was signed
We've almost forgotten the Haitians; we've done all we can
Remember Katrina? Remember the Tsunami?
They're going to forget us, too, in our hour of need.
We forgot the cambodians; Pol pot is dead.
We forgot the Tutsi. After all, there wasn't much we could do
We forgot the Sudanese. We stopped talking about them as soon as the peace treaty was signed
We've almost forgotten the Haitians; we've done all we can
Remember Katrina? Remember the Tsunami?
They're going to forget us, too, in our hour of need.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Kawano Story
Celebs
The moon is the largest source of light in this cloudless world. A black BMW silently glides along this dreamlike stretch of road, approaching its destination. As the car pulls into the gravel parking lot, a trailer rushes up alongside, breaking the silence with its monstrous engine. Both drivers get out of their cars and inhale the crisp, sweet air as they walk towards the Best Western sign that straddles the building. The driver of the trailer motions towards the BMW;
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Yeah.”
Marshall sighs wearily and steps over to the passenger door, opens it, and unbuckles the motionless figure of seven year-old Hailey. She awakens with a little cry and curls up in her dads’ arms, readily falling back asleep. The bodyguard crunches over to him and shuts the door, pulling out his cell phone as they step inside.
“Your wife called. She says it’s urgent.”
“Fine… I’ll call her back after we check in.”
“Yes sir.”
Cameras begin flashing like rave lights from the shadows of the lobby.
“Mr. Mathers! Would you care to comment on allegations that you’ve relapsed yet again?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a comment; I’m clean, asshole.”
The paparazzo shoves a mic in his face; “Our sources say you were snorting less than a day after you got out of rehab.”
The muscled, tattooed, celebrity hands his daughter to his nearby bodyguard, grabs the proffered microphone with one hand, pushing the glasses-clad reporter up against the wall with the other.
“You don’t get it. Maybe you never will. When I go on record about something, I’m telling the motherfucking truth.”
He leans his head next to his victim’s.
“You can get all the sources and comments you want, or we can settle this here and now as everyone watches while I piss in a cup.”
“Anyone going through a divorce like yours probably wouldn’t be sober that often.” The spectacled man offers nervously.
Slim lets him go out of disgust and retrieves his daughter, retreating to his room with bodyguard in tow. He unlocks the door and gently lays Hailey down on the bed, stroking her hair with a troubled expression on his face. He motions for the bodyguard to leave them and breaks out his cell phone to call his wife. A click is heard on the other end as she picks up. He sits down on the edge of the bed, draws in a shaky breath and whispers.
“Kim.”
“Marshall.”
“It’s been one hell of a year.”
“Tell me about it. So what you been up to? Gone to any parties recently?”
“I’m done with parties;” he growls, “you know that.”
“Are you? That’s not what I’ve been reading in People.” A slight smirk is heard “Enjoy the coke; I haven’t changing my mind.”
“Why? I haven’t touched that shit in weeks.”
“Because you can’t trust me to not cheat, and I can’t trust you to stay clean.”
His eyebrows furrow “Why did you ask me to call you?”
“To make sure you know this one’s final, whether or not you have been clean. It was a mistake to give it a second chance. We’re both too old to change.”
A tear appears. “Kim… It’s been seventeen years since we met. We had a kid together; we raised her together at the same time as we were chasing the dream. You’re going to tell me that that means nothing?”
“Not with you as her father. You need to find someone else to help you deal with your insecurities, okay, because I won’t be around to do it for you. Goodbye.”
Another click as she hangs up. His head drops to his chest, hands cradling the phone between his outstretched legs. A moment passes. His jaw clenches, lips pull into a grimace, eyebrows furrow deeper. His mouth opens in a silent, futile, scream. Tears flow freely down his face now that he realizes she is truly gone. He leans over and grabs the T.V. remote from the nightstand. A commercial he acted in comes on, borrowing his songs to advertise a new breakfast cereal; rapper o’s. How do kids eat this shit? He changes the channel; his newest, wildly popular, music video We made you is on. Hailey stirs from her sleep and sees her dad watching himself prancing around
“You’re a… rockstar. Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who could really blame you (who could really blame you) ..”
She knows this one. She smiles up at him and sits up to sing along with the hook;
“We’re the ones who made you!”
Dad smiles down at her, ruffling her hair, and turns off the tube. She lays back down and resumes her slumber. He needs sleep. Rockstar dad shuffles downstairs in hopes of finding a drink. Thankfully, the hotel restaurant does sell booze, but the kid working the counter recognizes him and seizes up:
“Oh my GOD it’s you!”
“OH MY GOD, WHO?”
“You’re fucking Eminem, dude!”
“No way!”
Acne child gets the sarcasm; “Ha! You’re so funny, man! I’m sorry, but people like you never come in here.”
“Tell me about it. Can I get a Heineken?”
“Can I get an autograph?”
“Depends if I’ve got a beer in me or not, first, now come on; I don’t have all night.”
“Whoa. Friendly guy. Why be so hostile with someone who just met you and, seriously, worships you?”
A bitter laugh. “Because there’s plenty other freaks like you who probably think I'm god or something."
This particular fan went so far as to shave his head just like Eminem's. “And that’s a bad thing?”
“It is when all of you want autographs of a guy who can’t get it together by the time he’s thirty-seven. What’s your own life like, huh?”
“uhm..”
“Forget it. Here.”
He pulls out a pen and notepad, scribbling his signature on it, making it out to “what’s your name?”
“Ryan.”
He hands Ryan his autograph and turns from the counter, beer-less, muttering “I shouldn’t be drinking anyway.” Slouching back to his room, he undresses and gets into bed with various scenes from the day replaying in his mind. A cold sweat breaks out as he begins again the battle of withdrawal. The all-day road trip, the confrontation with the reporter, the phone call with his wife and the celebrity-worshipping bartender mix with physical pain and create yet another sleepless night for Hollywood’s former darling. His daughter breathes softly in the other bed, unaware of this struggle, but is better off for it. She’ll grow up to be a happy, smart, normal girl because her dad took care of her. He got clean for her, he’s running from the tabloids and his record producers because he doesn’t want her to become famous too. He knows that he can get through everything that happens to him as long as he knows that he’s taking good care of her. At least I hope I can. I should – I got myself this far, didn’t I? Rapped for a few million kids out there and inspired some to do pretty cool things. Met a president. Made a movie or two. Yeah, It’s been a good run. I lost my way for a bit, but I’ve got it back now. It’s not about the money anymore, just like it wasn’t when I started rapping. It’s about making sure kids can follow my good parts and not follow the bad. Music is good; drugs aren't. Girls are good; getting them pregnant before their time isn't. Stuff like that. They ought to know it by now, but whatever. Someone’s gotta teach them. They might as well get a teacher who’s gone through all of it firsthand; I can only hope they'll understand it eventually.
- Marshall Bruce Mathers III
December 19, 2006
The moon is the largest source of light in this cloudless world. A black BMW silently glides along this dreamlike stretch of road, approaching its destination. As the car pulls into the gravel parking lot, a trailer rushes up alongside, breaking the silence with its monstrous engine. Both drivers get out of their cars and inhale the crisp, sweet air as they walk towards the Best Western sign that straddles the building. The driver of the trailer motions towards the BMW;
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Yeah.”
Marshall sighs wearily and steps over to the passenger door, opens it, and unbuckles the motionless figure of seven year-old Hailey. She awakens with a little cry and curls up in her dads’ arms, readily falling back asleep. The bodyguard crunches over to him and shuts the door, pulling out his cell phone as they step inside.
“Your wife called. She says it’s urgent.”
“Fine… I’ll call her back after we check in.”
“Yes sir.”
Cameras begin flashing like rave lights from the shadows of the lobby.
“Mr. Mathers! Would you care to comment on allegations that you’ve relapsed yet again?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a comment; I’m clean, asshole.”
The paparazzo shoves a mic in his face; “Our sources say you were snorting less than a day after you got out of rehab.”
The muscled, tattooed, celebrity hands his daughter to his nearby bodyguard, grabs the proffered microphone with one hand, pushing the glasses-clad reporter up against the wall with the other.
“You don’t get it. Maybe you never will. When I go on record about something, I’m telling the motherfucking truth.”
He leans his head next to his victim’s.
“You can get all the sources and comments you want, or we can settle this here and now as everyone watches while I piss in a cup.”
“Anyone going through a divorce like yours probably wouldn’t be sober that often.” The spectacled man offers nervously.
Slim lets him go out of disgust and retrieves his daughter, retreating to his room with bodyguard in tow. He unlocks the door and gently lays Hailey down on the bed, stroking her hair with a troubled expression on his face. He motions for the bodyguard to leave them and breaks out his cell phone to call his wife. A click is heard on the other end as she picks up. He sits down on the edge of the bed, draws in a shaky breath and whispers.
“Kim.”
“Marshall.”
“It’s been one hell of a year.”
“Tell me about it. So what you been up to? Gone to any parties recently?”
“I’m done with parties;” he growls, “you know that.”
“Are you? That’s not what I’ve been reading in People.” A slight smirk is heard “Enjoy the coke; I haven’t changing my mind.”
“Why? I haven’t touched that shit in weeks.”
“Because you can’t trust me to not cheat, and I can’t trust you to stay clean.”
His eyebrows furrow “Why did you ask me to call you?”
“To make sure you know this one’s final, whether or not you have been clean. It was a mistake to give it a second chance. We’re both too old to change.”
A tear appears. “Kim… It’s been seventeen years since we met. We had a kid together; we raised her together at the same time as we were chasing the dream. You’re going to tell me that that means nothing?”
“Not with you as her father. You need to find someone else to help you deal with your insecurities, okay, because I won’t be around to do it for you. Goodbye.”
Another click as she hangs up. His head drops to his chest, hands cradling the phone between his outstretched legs. A moment passes. His jaw clenches, lips pull into a grimace, eyebrows furrow deeper. His mouth opens in a silent, futile, scream. Tears flow freely down his face now that he realizes she is truly gone. He leans over and grabs the T.V. remote from the nightstand. A commercial he acted in comes on, borrowing his songs to advertise a new breakfast cereal; rapper o’s. How do kids eat this shit? He changes the channel; his newest, wildly popular, music video We made you is on. Hailey stirs from her sleep and sees her dad watching himself prancing around
“You’re a… rockstar. Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who could really blame you (who could really blame you) ..”
She knows this one. She smiles up at him and sits up to sing along with the hook;
“We’re the ones who made you!”
Dad smiles down at her, ruffling her hair, and turns off the tube. She lays back down and resumes her slumber. He needs sleep. Rockstar dad shuffles downstairs in hopes of finding a drink. Thankfully, the hotel restaurant does sell booze, but the kid working the counter recognizes him and seizes up:
“Oh my GOD it’s you!”
“OH MY GOD, WHO?”
“You’re fucking Eminem, dude!”
“No way!”
Acne child gets the sarcasm; “Ha! You’re so funny, man! I’m sorry, but people like you never come in here.”
“Tell me about it. Can I get a Heineken?”
“Can I get an autograph?”
“Depends if I’ve got a beer in me or not, first, now come on; I don’t have all night.”
“Whoa. Friendly guy. Why be so hostile with someone who just met you and, seriously, worships you?”
A bitter laugh. “Because there’s plenty other freaks like you who probably think I'm god or something."
This particular fan went so far as to shave his head just like Eminem's. “And that’s a bad thing?”
“It is when all of you want autographs of a guy who can’t get it together by the time he’s thirty-seven. What’s your own life like, huh?”
“uhm..”
“Forget it. Here.”
He pulls out a pen and notepad, scribbling his signature on it, making it out to “what’s your name?”
“Ryan.”
He hands Ryan his autograph and turns from the counter, beer-less, muttering “I shouldn’t be drinking anyway.” Slouching back to his room, he undresses and gets into bed with various scenes from the day replaying in his mind. A cold sweat breaks out as he begins again the battle of withdrawal. The all-day road trip, the confrontation with the reporter, the phone call with his wife and the celebrity-worshipping bartender mix with physical pain and create yet another sleepless night for Hollywood’s former darling. His daughter breathes softly in the other bed, unaware of this struggle, but is better off for it. She’ll grow up to be a happy, smart, normal girl because her dad took care of her. He got clean for her, he’s running from the tabloids and his record producers because he doesn’t want her to become famous too. He knows that he can get through everything that happens to him as long as he knows that he’s taking good care of her. At least I hope I can. I should – I got myself this far, didn’t I? Rapped for a few million kids out there and inspired some to do pretty cool things. Met a president. Made a movie or two. Yeah, It’s been a good run. I lost my way for a bit, but I’ve got it back now. It’s not about the money anymore, just like it wasn’t when I started rapping. It’s about making sure kids can follow my good parts and not follow the bad. Music is good; drugs aren't. Girls are good; getting them pregnant before their time isn't. Stuff like that. They ought to know it by now, but whatever. Someone’s gotta teach them. They might as well get a teacher who’s gone through all of it firsthand; I can only hope they'll understand it eventually.
- Marshall Bruce Mathers III
December 19, 2006
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Book of Lies
Arnold Schwarzenegger has been quite successful throughout his life. He's a bodybuilder who used steroids when they were perfectly legal and commonplace, earning an acting career because of his sculpted body. The Terminator series made him a wealthy man, as did 'Conan the Barbarian,' 'Total Recall,' and 'planet of the apes.'
Today, he is serving serving as the 38th governor of California, and is doing quite well. His promotion of medicinal marijuana has caused a sharp decrease in violent crime, and (oddly enough) has increased average SAT score for students that attend public school by an average of 100 points. He has staunchly defended conservative values in an ever-changing world, asserting states' rights over the federal government and threatening to secede from the Federal Government to ally with the State of Texas. Taxes have gone down, not up, and everyone over the age of 16 is now allowed second amendment rights. In the town of Oakland, you can acquire a rifle just for opening up a bank account.
Everyone knows that the state's had financial problems for a long time now. As of today, it owes some 19.9 billion dollars to mexican drug cartels for various shipments of cocaine, marijuana, and amphetamines as well as importing illegal immigrants to work in GAP and American Apparel factories just across the border. Thanks to the heroic leadership of the governator, these debts are a thing of the past - proposition 348, which was signed just this morning, has eliminated the drug scheduling act of 1971, which means that all drugs are now legal to possess, consume, and distribute as citizens please. Whether or not the region becomes another version of Amsterdam remains to be seen.
In addition, drastic budget cuts are being made, among them being the dissolution of the Federal Prison System. Minor criminals have returned to their homes, and major felons have been relocated to nearby Alaska where they will live out the remainder of their sentence.
Today, he is serving serving as the 38th governor of California, and is doing quite well. His promotion of medicinal marijuana has caused a sharp decrease in violent crime, and (oddly enough) has increased average SAT score for students that attend public school by an average of 100 points. He has staunchly defended conservative values in an ever-changing world, asserting states' rights over the federal government and threatening to secede from the Federal Government to ally with the State of Texas. Taxes have gone down, not up, and everyone over the age of 16 is now allowed second amendment rights. In the town of Oakland, you can acquire a rifle just for opening up a bank account.
Everyone knows that the state's had financial problems for a long time now. As of today, it owes some 19.9 billion dollars to mexican drug cartels for various shipments of cocaine, marijuana, and amphetamines as well as importing illegal immigrants to work in GAP and American Apparel factories just across the border. Thanks to the heroic leadership of the governator, these debts are a thing of the past - proposition 348, which was signed just this morning, has eliminated the drug scheduling act of 1971, which means that all drugs are now legal to possess, consume, and distribute as citizens please. Whether or not the region becomes another version of Amsterdam remains to be seen.
In addition, drastic budget cuts are being made, among them being the dissolution of the Federal Prison System. Minor criminals have returned to their homes, and major felons have been relocated to nearby Alaska where they will live out the remainder of their sentence.
Today
Another panic, run-like-hell, day; getting up at 5:00, going through the motions of getting to school in a half-assed manner and FALLING ASLEEP on the train so that I end up in Hoboken, NJ. Wunderbar - realizing how badly I'd messed up, I sprinted to the PATH train and took it to Penn station, managing to get to school on time solely because of my ability to run. Speaking of running, the reservoir run is today. 1.57 miles with a goal time of sub-10:00. Very VERY nervous about it, but It's going to go a lot better than it would've on Tuesday since it's been another 48 hours of no smoking (9 days total as of this morning ^^ )
(later) 9:43 time for the res' run!!!! HELL YES! - fistpump - that made this whole week worthwhile. Ah, mmm, but then again someone special made it even more worthwhile yesterday =)
I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I can't get around to it, and I've been working pretty much all day. I guess i'll finish my lit/common man thing and get to work on Kawano's stuff.
Speaking of Kawano. I hear news that gossip is going around that i've relapsed on drugs. Not specifically which kinds, not how much, not how recently; according to this anonymous source i'm a druggie till the day I die.
If you know me, you're going to take that statement back. I quit smoking pot four months ago, I kicked ritalin and adderall two months ago, and I haven't smoked for more than a week now. I'm making the biggest effort I ever have to be clean and stay clean - why the FUCK would you rain on that? If you've got something against me, fine, talk to Ms. Kilmer or Dr. Soghoian or even My dean - tell them i'm snorting coke in the bathrooms and shooting up heroin between free periods. Tell them i've smoked DMT two hours ago and am probably tripping right now - you know what? You could even suggest I get drug tested. For everything. I could even do several drug tests; once a month, once a week, once a day from now until the end of time. I'm CLEAN.
I don't know what I have to do to prove it to you people, but If you keep playing this shit, I'm either gonna have to pull down my pants and piss in the cup (get a drug test) or ask that they do the same to you. You're probably full of shit too - how straightedge can you be in this school, this city, this day and age?
I'm done with drugs. Please stop saying otherwise.
(later) 9:43 time for the res' run!!!! HELL YES! - fistpump - that made this whole week worthwhile. Ah, mmm, but then again someone special made it even more worthwhile yesterday =)
I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I can't get around to it, and I've been working pretty much all day. I guess i'll finish my lit/common man thing and get to work on Kawano's stuff.
Speaking of Kawano. I hear news that gossip is going around that i've relapsed on drugs. Not specifically which kinds, not how much, not how recently; according to this anonymous source i'm a druggie till the day I die.
If you know me, you're going to take that statement back. I quit smoking pot four months ago, I kicked ritalin and adderall two months ago, and I haven't smoked for more than a week now. I'm making the biggest effort I ever have to be clean and stay clean - why the FUCK would you rain on that? If you've got something against me, fine, talk to Ms. Kilmer or Dr. Soghoian or even My dean - tell them i'm snorting coke in the bathrooms and shooting up heroin between free periods. Tell them i've smoked DMT two hours ago and am probably tripping right now - you know what? You could even suggest I get drug tested. For everything. I could even do several drug tests; once a month, once a week, once a day from now until the end of time. I'm CLEAN.
I don't know what I have to do to prove it to you people, but If you keep playing this shit, I'm either gonna have to pull down my pants and piss in the cup (get a drug test) or ask that they do the same to you. You're probably full of shit too - how straightedge can you be in this school, this city, this day and age?
I'm done with drugs. Please stop saying otherwise.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thank You
Thank you, Mello, for being my friend at the turn of the semester when things were going crazily. The conversations we had both in and out of class gave me emotional stability that continues to this day.
Thank you, Kirra, for being there to encourage me in my endeavors, serve as my moral conscience when I slip up, and in general keep me from getting into too much trouble. Everything's turning out as you said it would =)
Thank you, Isabella, for forgiving me.
Thank you, Liam, for reminding me that i'm still a child and should act as such. You're the best /b/ro I have even if you're two years younger than me.
Thank you, Columbia Prep, for welcoming me and helping me thrive in a totally new environment. Because of you, I've grown emotionally, physically, and intellectually more so this year than in all the past years put together.
Most importantly: thank you Bri. For everything you have been, everything you are, and everything you plan to be in the future. You're more than I could've possibly hoped for when I heard about you from Mello, and I truly believe i'm the luckiest man alive to be sharing this time with you.
Thank you all.
Thank you, Kirra, for being there to encourage me in my endeavors, serve as my moral conscience when I slip up, and in general keep me from getting into too much trouble. Everything's turning out as you said it would =)
Thank you, Isabella, for forgiving me.
Thank you, Liam, for reminding me that i'm still a child and should act as such. You're the best /b/ro I have even if you're two years younger than me.
Thank you, Columbia Prep, for welcoming me and helping me thrive in a totally new environment. Because of you, I've grown emotionally, physically, and intellectually more so this year than in all the past years put together.
Most importantly: thank you Bri. For everything you have been, everything you are, and everything you plan to be in the future. You're more than I could've possibly hoped for when I heard about you from Mello, and I truly believe i'm the luckiest man alive to be sharing this time with you.
Thank you all.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Short Book List
1. The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind, by William Kamkwamba (motivation, true story, perspective changing)
2. Catch-22 Joseph Heller
3. A Bonfire of the Vanities, Tom Wolfe (80's era wall street fiction. highly entertaining, easy read, but though provoking)
4. A Man in Full, Tom Wolfe
5. Casino Royale, Ian Fleming (you will never read a better spy novel)
6. Germinal, Emile Zola
7. L'assommoir, Emile Zola
8. 100 years of solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
9. Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes
10. Being a Green Mother, Piers Anthony
11. The Help, Kathryn Stockett
12. micromegas, voltaire
13. American Gods, Neil Gaiman
14. Everywhere, Neil Gaiman
15. Sandman, Neil Gaiman (graphic novel)
2. Catch-22 Joseph Heller
3. A Bonfire of the Vanities, Tom Wolfe (80's era wall street fiction. highly entertaining, easy read, but though provoking)
4. A Man in Full, Tom Wolfe
5. Casino Royale, Ian Fleming (you will never read a better spy novel)
6. Germinal, Emile Zola
7. L'assommoir, Emile Zola
8. 100 years of solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
9. Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes
10. Being a Green Mother, Piers Anthony
11. The Help, Kathryn Stockett
12. micromegas, voltaire
13. American Gods, Neil Gaiman
14. Everywhere, Neil Gaiman
15. Sandman, Neil Gaiman (graphic novel)
That figures
There's a recent kiss or three still lingering in the memory part of my brain. Though the experience was interrupted, it's still pleasant to think about.
Got myself pumped for the big one. 7:30 minute/miles, about 3 and half minutes slower than my previous best. I know exactly what I did wrong this time, and it doesn't bother me now, but I might as well spell it out so I don't forget;
1. Still dealing with the quitting process. Haven't lit up since Monday night, but my lungs aren't all the way back to normal. That's fine; just keep pressing on.
2. Motivation. Didn't have good headphones for my ipod, and I had to stop around mile 4 because I couldn't get worked up enough to pull a fast finish.
3. Didn't sleep as much as I should've the previous night.
All of these are easily addressed. Minor setbacks, nothing more; mum was kind enough to buy good-quality headphones for me as soon's I came back from the race =) been headbanging to Amon Amarth and Eminem since.
I've never felt this resolved to quit for good. I always told myself in the past; this's it. As soon as exams are over, you're done. If god's playing chess with the world, i'm definitely a pawn: there was an unlit, unused, camel cigarette in perfect condition being offered to me by a total stranger while I was walking through central park today.
Did I want to say yes? Very much so. Did I accept? Hell no. Did it hurt to refuse this gift? Hell yes. That's the price i'm going to pay if I'm going to succeed in life. It's the better man who can say no to his vices.
It's David's birthday; mum's boyfriend. Was great to talk to him and get some advice from a wall-street type with that much life experience (guy's 54 today). He even showed me a spot I could urbex; the new MTA tunnel they're boring by 92nd on the east side. Oh, but wait. He suggested I don't urbex there while giving mom this meaningful look he's good at. So he knows what happened? To say i'm a little miffed at how freely my mom gives away personal info is an understatement. Even so, he's a nice guy.
Started the job search for this summer. Feels good to join the professional world, even if this is only a hesitant step one. I'm not worried about actually landing a job; what would I do with that much money anyway? Never really had that kind of freedom before, so I couldn't tell ya.
Got myself pumped for the big one. 7:30 minute/miles, about 3 and half minutes slower than my previous best. I know exactly what I did wrong this time, and it doesn't bother me now, but I might as well spell it out so I don't forget;
1. Still dealing with the quitting process. Haven't lit up since Monday night, but my lungs aren't all the way back to normal. That's fine; just keep pressing on.
2. Motivation. Didn't have good headphones for my ipod, and I had to stop around mile 4 because I couldn't get worked up enough to pull a fast finish.
3. Didn't sleep as much as I should've the previous night.
All of these are easily addressed. Minor setbacks, nothing more; mum was kind enough to buy good-quality headphones for me as soon's I came back from the race =) been headbanging to Amon Amarth and Eminem since.
I've never felt this resolved to quit for good. I always told myself in the past; this's it. As soon as exams are over, you're done. If god's playing chess with the world, i'm definitely a pawn: there was an unlit, unused, camel cigarette in perfect condition being offered to me by a total stranger while I was walking through central park today.
Did I want to say yes? Very much so. Did I accept? Hell no. Did it hurt to refuse this gift? Hell yes. That's the price i'm going to pay if I'm going to succeed in life. It's the better man who can say no to his vices.
It's David's birthday; mum's boyfriend. Was great to talk to him and get some advice from a wall-street type with that much life experience (guy's 54 today). He even showed me a spot I could urbex; the new MTA tunnel they're boring by 92nd on the east side. Oh, but wait. He suggested I don't urbex there while giving mom this meaningful look he's good at. So he knows what happened? To say i'm a little miffed at how freely my mom gives away personal info is an understatement. Even so, he's a nice guy.
Started the job search for this summer. Feels good to join the professional world, even if this is only a hesitant step one. I'm not worried about actually landing a job; what would I do with that much money anyway? Never really had that kind of freedom before, so I couldn't tell ya.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Amon Amarth - "Twilight of the Thunder God" Metal Blade Records
Feels like the perfect time to death-growl. There's a six mile race with my name on it, 9:00 sharp tomorrow morning! No idea who my opponents are, how fast they can run, or how well prepared they are. I don't care about any of it; this one's between me, the music, and the stopwatch.
One last push; It's time to write that killer short story Kawano's been expecting from me since I joined his class. I'm ready. Will it be good enough for his standards? We'll see.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Past the Falls
I'm luckier than all the rest
a weight has fallen off my chest
even with what I've been through
I'll finally share a moment true
she awaits the magic in my hand
a time that remains unplanned
because I know that i'll spend the day with you
our eyes wandered off to the land that lay
past the falls
Later on, I ran outside
and found that all my fears had died
Started to dream, then, I dared
to recall the sweet smell of her hair
I heard a drumbeat in the park
couldn't sleep much after dark
because I know that I spent today with you
My eyes wandered off to the land that lay
past the falls
a weight has fallen off my chest
even with what I've been through
I'll finally share a moment true
she awaits the magic in my hand
a time that remains unplanned
because I know that i'll spend the day with you
our eyes wandered off to the land that lay
past the falls
Later on, I ran outside
and found that all my fears had died
Started to dream, then, I dared
to recall the sweet smell of her hair
I heard a drumbeat in the park
couldn't sleep much after dark
because I know that I spent today with you
My eyes wandered off to the land that lay
past the falls
Juncture Point
The AP is over - I can breathe again. I can sleep again. I don't have to stress about tomorrow as much. I can go for a run and do well because I'm able to take care of my body.
Maybe I can't breathe as well as I want to, though. Maybe I've been trying to take the easy way out of a problem that I've had for about a year now, and It's just now starting to catch up to me. Maybe It's affecting the two activities I do best; singing and running. Yes, I've taken the easy road. Yes, you have a right to be ashamed of me for it; I'm ashamed of myself, frankly. Especially since I've told myself I'd stop lots of times in the past.
Now i'm facing the reality of it, with concert chorale grades and endurance going down the tubes. Does that mean i'm giving up? No. Does it mean I need to stop here and now? YES. I can't do it alone, that's for sure.
I have disappointed too many.
I have one question for those reading this post today; am I good for you? When you talk to me and hang around me, do I make you happier and better as a person? Or do I ask too much of you and take you for granted? Am I too demanding? I'm starting to feel that way, and I'd like to know if it's the truth. If it is, then I need to improve on it starting here and now.
To the person who made the sun rise this morning; I'll never forget that experience in the park. Hope you had as much fun as I did ^^.
Maybe I can't breathe as well as I want to, though. Maybe I've been trying to take the easy way out of a problem that I've had for about a year now, and It's just now starting to catch up to me. Maybe It's affecting the two activities I do best; singing and running. Yes, I've taken the easy road. Yes, you have a right to be ashamed of me for it; I'm ashamed of myself, frankly. Especially since I've told myself I'd stop lots of times in the past.
Now i'm facing the reality of it, with concert chorale grades and endurance going down the tubes. Does that mean i'm giving up? No. Does it mean I need to stop here and now? YES. I can't do it alone, that's for sure.
I have disappointed too many.
I have one question for those reading this post today; am I good for you? When you talk to me and hang around me, do I make you happier and better as a person? Or do I ask too much of you and take you for granted? Am I too demanding? I'm starting to feel that way, and I'd like to know if it's the truth. If it is, then I need to improve on it starting here and now.
To the person who made the sun rise this morning; I'll never forget that experience in the park. Hope you had as much fun as I did ^^.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
nspired
This song i'm writing tonight goes out to a very special someone. You've made my life brighter just by being there, and I wanna give a bit of that back to you.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
meh
I wake up and there's a 5k I forgot to train for - what the hell? Oh well, should probably run it anyway. Wonder who I'm running against, this can't be that hard to dominate... holy god that guy's tall! =/ run run run run, someone's trying to pass me, noooo!!! sprint sprint sprint - YES! Kept my position, and gun time is 20:30, probz 20:00 or less since I started late.
Saw 'Babies' later in the day. Great documentary, not very wordy, but it really shows you how babies grow up - I can't stop cooing over them =3
Saw 'Babies' later in the day. Great documentary, not very wordy, but it really shows you how babies grow up - I can't stop cooing over them =3
Friday, May 7, 2010
Esthero - Nearly Civilized
This is what I was thinking about and half-humming that one time =)
Fully intending to find this lady and do a duet with her if I can ^^
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Contradictions
Okay, nevermind what I said yesterday. Slept ~ 5 hours last night and got up at 6, completely forgetting to study for that Anatomy / Physiology test. In my defense, I'd been studying for the AP world exam ... even though that's not till next Thursday.
Ah well, It all evens out. I got a 6.5 on the latest CCOT essay in World, which means I've got a shot at an 'A' this quarter thank god!
Really enjoyed reading your poem yesterday, Bri! I feel like a ghoul every time I get on the subway - part of the faceless mob and all that. Fun and not fun at the same time. Moments of beauty and gloom.
We're writing a song in creative writing, and I've actually got a burst of inspiration to work with, so I take back what I said earlier about the class ^^. Funny thing is, the tune we have to work with is almost the exact same as something that the Red Hot Chili Peppers wrote =D. That's an easy A for me; kawano doesn't listen to them at all, so I could copy/paste the lyrics and he'd call it gold, haha!
I feel vital again. There's a track meet in less than 30 minutes, so i'll let you all go for now. I'm thinking about every one of you, and to Bri; I'm sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. Wasn't able to get on a computer =(
Zen.
Ah well, It all evens out. I got a 6.5 on the latest CCOT essay in World, which means I've got a shot at an 'A' this quarter thank god!
Really enjoyed reading your poem yesterday, Bri! I feel like a ghoul every time I get on the subway - part of the faceless mob and all that. Fun and not fun at the same time. Moments of beauty and gloom.
We're writing a song in creative writing, and I've actually got a burst of inspiration to work with, so I take back what I said earlier about the class ^^. Funny thing is, the tune we have to work with is almost the exact same as something that the Red Hot Chili Peppers wrote =D. That's an easy A for me; kawano doesn't listen to them at all, so I could copy/paste the lyrics and he'd call it gold, haha!
I feel vital again. There's a track meet in less than 30 minutes, so i'll let you all go for now. I'm thinking about every one of you, and to Bri; I'm sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. Wasn't able to get on a computer =(
Zen.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
In the library
Woke up without having done anything for homework. It was worth it to get a full night's sleep. I've had several full nights of sleep in the past few days... maybe i'm getting depressed. Then again, I can't be depressed. I've had the best life-style thing in months, years even. There is a girl out there who motivates me to work out every day, pushing my body to the limit. She makes me want to do better in school, because our successes are now intertwined. It's too early in the morning to judge just how vital or not I am, but thinking about her's put the wind in my sails again. (clicheeee, i know ><)
It's a great feeling, knowing that a diplomatic venture's actually worked. Yes, i'm talking about the cat and the squirrel; they're doing well! They're right about to kiss today, from what I hear, and i'm going to slap the kitty if she doesn't go for it. Kidding, but still. They're so cute ^^
I've got a major track meet today in Queens. Going to be running my absolute hardest so that I can make champs on Tuesday, then heading back to NJ - hopefully - to meet up with an old friend.
I JUST REMEMBERED that my new friend and i were supposed to be collaborating on a song. Must must must remember to jam w her at some point this or next week. I can't understand why she's wearing shorts in this climate, but then again, i'm a jeans guy. Ripped jeans. fuck yeah.
Kawano's makin' me RAGE again.... I can't write sonnets for my life, and he knows it. Especially not when the subject matter is a GIRL who i have no relation to whatsoever. Who, by the way, hates artists because she sees them as immature basket cases. (case in point, she is one of the most insecure people i know in literary terms)
but that's gossip. I just want to write in this blog, write a short story here and there, and sing / write the occasional song. That's art, right? I should hope so, but if an inablility to write poetry makes me a philistine - then fuck art. At least his definition of it.
nyah. I miss you <3
It's a great feeling, knowing that a diplomatic venture's actually worked. Yes, i'm talking about the cat and the squirrel; they're doing well! They're right about to kiss today, from what I hear, and i'm going to slap the kitty if she doesn't go for it. Kidding, but still. They're so cute ^^
I've got a major track meet today in Queens. Going to be running my absolute hardest so that I can make champs on Tuesday, then heading back to NJ - hopefully - to meet up with an old friend.
I JUST REMEMBERED that my new friend and i were supposed to be collaborating on a song. Must must must remember to jam w her at some point this or next week. I can't understand why she's wearing shorts in this climate, but then again, i'm a jeans guy. Ripped jeans. fuck yeah.
Kawano's makin' me RAGE again.... I can't write sonnets for my life, and he knows it. Especially not when the subject matter is a GIRL who i have no relation to whatsoever. Who, by the way, hates artists because she sees them as immature basket cases. (case in point, she is one of the most insecure people i know in literary terms)
but that's gossip. I just want to write in this blog, write a short story here and there, and sing / write the occasional song. That's art, right? I should hope so, but if an inablility to write poetry makes me a philistine - then fuck art. At least his definition of it.
nyah. I miss you <3
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Coheed and Cambria - A Favor House Atlantic
I'm looking out the window at the fading sunset as it slowly fades over the river. I can see rain falling from the clouds many miles away; it's like a rainforest right before nightfall. I've been looking at this beautiful image, meditating on its colors, since I said goodbye to you.
Tonight, everything fits. The work to be done, the music pounding on the stereo, the coffee in my right hand and the pen in my right; it all flows into this perfect image. I'm smiling still, remembering the feeling of being tickled when i'm that close to falling asleep.
Bliss. That is the sum of everything here and now.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Zen
Sundays are an uncomfortable lull in the conversation. The entire day, every week, Is devoted to the family. Morning run with mom (at a really fucking slow pace), breakfast with her and sister, Church and then lunch, train-ride home. Car-ride home with dad, babysit sister one he's gone to work, do homework, then pass out. Wake up five hours later feeling like Jason Statham from Crank; you've gotta do anything and everything in your power just to stay awake.
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister. I don’t dislike spending time with her. I love my mom and dad, and I don’t dislike spending time with them either: what I do dislike is the fact that most Sundays (and indeed weekends as a whole) are entirely devoted to them. That's not healthy, because I don't enjoy spending time with them as a result; it's all or nothing.
The first weekend - day I have to myself, sans family, I’m going to live out a little fantasy. Wake up at 7:30, chug two cups of coffee, run four miles as fast I can. Take a leisurely shower after, breakfast at Le pain quotidian, reading Nabokov over country porridge and eggs. Call a friend and go see a movie with them (anything goes, just please no Sandra Bullock), then go home to read ‘Locas’ for a bit before starting in on homework. Finish homework by ~ 6:00, find an unexplored Urbex location. Spend the rest of the evening infiltrating it and taking pictures.
AGH! This wishful thinking is getting me down.. How long’s it gonna be before I can actually DO that?! No, you know that? Forget that fantasy. What would make me happier more than anything Is to be able to spend a day with YOU. Just one day - no plans. All we’d need is a bit of money and a place to go home to for the night; think about the things we’d see, the stuff we could do, the memories we’d make! We’d eat the best food, see the newest movies, talk face-to-face for who cares how long, explore the deepest part of the city, and we'd be able to show affection for each other whenever and wherever we damn well pleased. That’s what I’d call living.
With everything going on at school, and obligations I’ve got to my family and friends, I don’t know when that day’ll be if ever. The thought of it, however, is enough to make me smile and stop worrying about the day-to-day. Today is pleasant, and tomorrow will be even better because I’m counting down to that day somewhere in the future. Maybe that’s what a fantasy’s supposed to do then, hmm? Gives you hope.
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister. I don’t dislike spending time with her. I love my mom and dad, and I don’t dislike spending time with them either: what I do dislike is the fact that most Sundays (and indeed weekends as a whole) are entirely devoted to them. That's not healthy, because I don't enjoy spending time with them as a result; it's all or nothing.
The first weekend - day I have to myself, sans family, I’m going to live out a little fantasy. Wake up at 7:30, chug two cups of coffee, run four miles as fast I can. Take a leisurely shower after, breakfast at Le pain quotidian, reading Nabokov over country porridge and eggs. Call a friend and go see a movie with them (anything goes, just please no Sandra Bullock), then go home to read ‘Locas’ for a bit before starting in on homework. Finish homework by ~ 6:00, find an unexplored Urbex location. Spend the rest of the evening infiltrating it and taking pictures.
AGH! This wishful thinking is getting me down.. How long’s it gonna be before I can actually DO that?! No, you know that? Forget that fantasy. What would make me happier more than anything Is to be able to spend a day with YOU. Just one day - no plans. All we’d need is a bit of money and a place to go home to for the night; think about the things we’d see, the stuff we could do, the memories we’d make! We’d eat the best food, see the newest movies, talk face-to-face for who cares how long, explore the deepest part of the city, and we'd be able to show affection for each other whenever and wherever we damn well pleased. That’s what I’d call living.
With everything going on at school, and obligations I’ve got to my family and friends, I don’t know when that day’ll be if ever. The thought of it, however, is enough to make me smile and stop worrying about the day-to-day. Today is pleasant, and tomorrow will be even better because I’m counting down to that day somewhere in the future. Maybe that’s what a fantasy’s supposed to do then, hmm? Gives you hope.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Saturday
Dear God, I must've slept ten hours last night! What a relief after this week, I just wish you could stockpile the stuff. Save it for a rainy day when the pressures come back.
Despite all the work to be done today, mom wanted to take us to the park for a picnic. Quaint idea, n'est pas? That's what I thought, but prosciutto and mozzarella plus brie, grapes, jam, and flatbread makes for one helluva meal. In fact, it was so satisfying that I stretched out and fell asleep for a few minutes afterwards (although that might've been because of the sun).
Been reading 'Locas' after seeing a good review of it in The Village Voice. I'd lay out a plot summary for my readers, but you could get a much better one here; http://www.againwiththecomics.com/2007/10/locas-maggie-and-hopey-stories_816.html
I found 'Candide' on Gutenberg. Very convenient; it's a word-for-word translation of what we're studying in French class.
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/19942/19942-h/19942-h.htm
Peace. That is the way.
Despite all the work to be done today, mom wanted to take us to the park for a picnic. Quaint idea, n'est pas? That's what I thought, but prosciutto and mozzarella plus brie, grapes, jam, and flatbread makes for one helluva meal. In fact, it was so satisfying that I stretched out and fell asleep for a few minutes afterwards (although that might've been because of the sun).
Been reading 'Locas' after seeing a good review of it in The Village Voice. I'd lay out a plot summary for my readers, but you could get a much better one here; http://www.againwiththecomics.com/2007/10/locas-maggie-and-hopey-stories_816.html
I found 'Candide' on Gutenberg. Very convenient; it's a word-for-word translation of what we're studying in French class.
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/19942/19942-h/19942-h.htm
Peace. That is the way.
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