Monday, December 23, 2013

An Interview With Santa

So who makes the presents - really?

We used to have our own workshops and factories in the North Pole, but we've outsourced most of our labor force: the elves mostly handle the gift wrapping and delivery logistics these days.

Have there been any layoffs?

Ho ho ho! No need! The elves don't need wages - they're immortal, and they eat the same diet as my reindeer. They also enjoy working just for the heck of it: we've been in business now for two thousand years, and they don't want to stop.

How, exactly, do you decide who's naughty and who's nice?

I've always crowd-sourced people's opinion of others. If your friends think you're nice, then so do I. If they think you're naughty... watch out.

But nobody gets coal anymore in their stockings, right?

Worse: they get fruit cake gift baskets.

I see. So what country is the most difficult to get presents for?

Right now, I'd say France; whatever I make for the French, their grinch of a president insists on taking 3/4ths of it for himself.

Do you get upset if people forget to leave cookies and milk?

Yes I do! In fact, if they do, I 'forget' to leave one of their presents under their tree.

What if they leave out beer instead of milk?

Then you'll get TWO extra presents that year. Santa likes to get hammered.

Do you ever leave notes for people, if they've been especially good or bad?

Not anymore: otherwise it'd be all over the internet the day after Christmas. Santa prefers to keep his privacy.

What do you do if the kids are awake?

I try to stay hidden as best as possible, or at least blend in with the tree. Mrs. Claus made me a camo suit recently, to help me out in those situations.

What if all else fails and a kid sees you?

That's why Santa keeps a tranquilizer gun in his sleigh.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Surviving the holiday rush (and having fun in the process)

Growing up, I only rarely went shopping with my parents, and I remember well the reluctance that we (my mother, father, sister and I) felt whenever we drove to malls and outlet stores, because of the hassle. That reluctance I have carried into adulthood, even if I'm shopping for necessities. Now, however, I can enjoy the atmosphere of some stores, and actually enjoy the process of shopping under many conditions. I believe this is because my girlfriend, over the past two years, has shown me that gift giving is a good way to show someone how much you care about them. To her credit, she has also coached me step-by-step on what to look for when shopping, and how to differentiate CLEARLY between one's wants and needs.

We have been extensively Christmas shopping these past few weeks, at many more stores than I could count on my fingers; this has given me a fresh perspective on the similarities and differences between "point-of-sale" stores, and provided me insight as to why some places are a 'hassle' while others are a pleasure to shop at.

The first thing I noticed about these stores is that, for businesses that cater to the same socioeconomic levels, there are general trends in their in-store atmospheres, which play a big role in their sales pitch. In stores that offer cheap, this-season-style clothes like H&M and Forever 21, the muzak they play consists of radio hits played at an ear-splitting volume, and their displays are lit with garish, bright-as-the-sun spotlights, which, together with the muzak, is designed to force you to stop thinking. They want shoppers to make impulse purchases, and to ignore the cost of the item(s) they buy or their dubious quality fabrics. The thrill of the purchases you make wears off the minute you've left the store - especially when, later on, you see ten guys (or girls) on the street wearing the exact same shirt, dress, or skirt as you.

In direct contrast to these low-tier stores, designers like BCBG, Guess, and J. Crew have a smooth yet bouncy ambiance, playing catchy techno music at mid-range volume, and illuminating their displays with subtler spotlights. They do this because they know that you are already looking to buy something when you walk in, and perhaps you are even a return customer. Thus, their stores have no need to scream "buy this now, or you'll miss out!" Instead, the message of their ambiance is; 'take your time to enjoy the displays, browse around, and make a purchase that you will feel good about both now and later.'

High-end retailers, which I've only been in recently, also aim to put you at ease in their stores. Not only do they have even softer ambient lighting and play quieter, more easy-listening mood music, but they also have ample floor space for people to browse their wares without fear of bumping and jostling others. No self-respecting bargain basement store has more than a foot or two of aisle space between the racks; they want to whip people up into a frenzied rush to find something, check out, and leave the store as quickly as possible. This is also why they usually have no places to sit down; they want you in and out ASAP.

Pricier stores are much more accommodating by nature; there are multiple places to sit, whether in the shoe section, the dress section, or by the fitting rooms. Whoever in a party is not actively shopping or trying things on can rest in peace and comfort. I believe this is because, while bargain stores profit by selling cheap things in great quantity, designer stores profit by selling smaller volumes of expensive, yet quality, pieces.

Similar trends exist in department stores, and based on my observations, Bloomingdales appears to be an ideal medium between the frantic atmospheres of Macy's and j. C . Penny and the dignified, sedate, atmospheres of Saks and Neiman Marcus. Although it lacks the finer points of shopping, such as the live DJs, jazz bands and Christmas Carolers found in Saks around the holidays, it does offer quality designer clothes and accessories, not to mention jewelry, handbags and home goods. What's more, it has the floor space, music, and acceptable lighting to make even a reluctant shopper like me enjoy being in their stores.

One big thing I learned about shopping in point-of-sale stores is that much of the hassle of shopping can be avoided simply by having a concrete plan of a) where to shop, b) what items you want to try on (which can be accomplished online) and c) how much you plan to spend. Most stores offer to match their online prices in-store, which means that, for anyone who isn't 100% certain about what they want to buy, it's still worth the schlep.

To everyone gearing up for (or are currently) holiday shopping, don't fret! Just have a plan, and bring plenty of food and drink (read: coffee) with you when you go. These humble tips should save you a lot of headache between now and the 25th.

Happy holidays, ladies and gents.