Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Float on
I got on the wrong bus for a cross country meet - missed an AP psych class because I got the wrong time.
Took the subway to where the meet would happen and sprinted off the platform down the stairs hopping a fence and dropping my backpack so I could go faster. Didn't know where the group was - oh there they are! Once the race started, I ran my hardest but I got lost trying to figure out where the finish line was.
Once the meet was over, I go back for my bag but it's missing I can't believe it it's stolen i'm ANGRY! Bus leaves, coach follows me, tells me there's nothing I can do about it. Bag is lost and gone forever.
Felt numb for about 5 seconds then took a deep breath and relaxed because it's not about the stuff I had in there, no, all of it was replaceable even my ten dollar phone i forgot to charge this morning and is dead so i couldn't use it to locate the backpack with mom's GPS thing i'm still creeped out about. that's okay. my wallet wasn't in there my keys and books and folders were but i bought replacements for or found substitutes for everything there.
nothing of value was lost as dee's father could attest to. you can lose literally everything you own and come out okay because you came into the world without anything and you'll leave the same way. I've had stuff stolen before and that was okay you just have to roll with the punches.
Finished all the homework i had to do tonight. there's a test on thursday and an essay I can't do right now because the reading was stolen but that's okay. We'll all float on, ALL RIGHT! Don't you worry, we'll all float on, ALL RIGHT!
If you wanna get somewhere in life, it doesn't matter what happens along the way. that's all irrelevent or anecdotal at best. Enjoy the good and shrug off the bad you'll get fewer anxiety issues panic attacks that way.
love you guys and hope you like this stream of consciousness style I'm trying out. John Updike did it in 'Rabbit, Run' which I read for summer reading and it was really good and seemed to let people see things from INSIDE the main character's head. I wanna show you guys what its like to be in my head not that it's particularly interesting or anything haha but if you're curious then go ahead and take a look because i'd be thrilled if you did!
Took the subway to where the meet would happen and sprinted off the platform down the stairs hopping a fence and dropping my backpack so I could go faster. Didn't know where the group was - oh there they are! Once the race started, I ran my hardest but I got lost trying to figure out where the finish line was.
Once the meet was over, I go back for my bag but it's missing I can't believe it it's stolen i'm ANGRY! Bus leaves, coach follows me, tells me there's nothing I can do about it. Bag is lost and gone forever.
Felt numb for about 5 seconds then took a deep breath and relaxed because it's not about the stuff I had in there, no, all of it was replaceable even my ten dollar phone i forgot to charge this morning and is dead so i couldn't use it to locate the backpack with mom's GPS thing i'm still creeped out about. that's okay. my wallet wasn't in there my keys and books and folders were but i bought replacements for or found substitutes for everything there.
nothing of value was lost as dee's father could attest to. you can lose literally everything you own and come out okay because you came into the world without anything and you'll leave the same way. I've had stuff stolen before and that was okay you just have to roll with the punches.
Finished all the homework i had to do tonight. there's a test on thursday and an essay I can't do right now because the reading was stolen but that's okay. We'll all float on, ALL RIGHT! Don't you worry, we'll all float on, ALL RIGHT!
If you wanna get somewhere in life, it doesn't matter what happens along the way. that's all irrelevent or anecdotal at best. Enjoy the good and shrug off the bad you'll get fewer anxiety issues panic attacks that way.
love you guys and hope you like this stream of consciousness style I'm trying out. John Updike did it in 'Rabbit, Run' which I read for summer reading and it was really good and seemed to let people see things from INSIDE the main character's head. I wanna show you guys what its like to be in my head not that it's particularly interesting or anything haha but if you're curious then go ahead and take a look because i'd be thrilled if you did!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Duality
I’m going to talk to you directly because you can’t help but look. You’ve been watching me, since I was five years old if not younger, and you’re trying to kill me. You want me to slip up so bad I can’t help but be evil. You want me to give up the fight, convince me that it’s an uphill battle; wall me in so that every last string of hope is broken. Don’t you get it? You’ll never break me. You lost that fight. I’ve got a purpose in life that doesn’t involve devotion to self.
You should not be interfering with my life. You were like me once, but you fucked up so bad it was too late to turn back. Maybe you took too many ‘second chances’ and ended up with nothing. Maybe you didn’t realize there were infinite numbers of second chances. Maybe you didn’t care.
I’m ready for you this time. I’m not scared of you. I felt your presence closest when things were about to end. I feel you in bass-heavy music, in creepy photos and horror movies. I know you watch me from the shadows and you live in the dark. You are a demon. You have a name. You give me power to do the wrong thing.
I’ll never get rid of you.
I want you to realize that you couldn’t exist without me. I wouldn’t exist without you. This duality has existed in every person there ever was. You are incarnation of choice. The choice to do what feels good.
The other half chooses to do what Is right. I don't see him often. I spend too much time with you.
You block me from dreaming of HER. About her. For her. You keep me from realizing my full potential.
Be It so. You won't stop me much longer.
You should not be interfering with my life. You were like me once, but you fucked up so bad it was too late to turn back. Maybe you took too many ‘second chances’ and ended up with nothing. Maybe you didn’t realize there were infinite numbers of second chances. Maybe you didn’t care.
I’m ready for you this time. I’m not scared of you. I felt your presence closest when things were about to end. I feel you in bass-heavy music, in creepy photos and horror movies. I know you watch me from the shadows and you live in the dark. You are a demon. You have a name. You give me power to do the wrong thing.
I’ll never get rid of you.
I want you to realize that you couldn’t exist without me. I wouldn’t exist without you. This duality has existed in every person there ever was. You are incarnation of choice. The choice to do what feels good.
The other half chooses to do what Is right. I don't see him often. I spend too much time with you.
You block me from dreaming of HER. About her. For her. You keep me from realizing my full potential.
Be It so. You won't stop me much longer.
For lack of a better world.
Dear Cam,
As you don't update this nearly as often as you should I'm hacking it.
Remember that day in NYC? I had the time of my life. Running around on the roof of your apartment. Watching a kid laugh as you dropped money all over the street outside of the theatre. Drinking water from wine glasses. Gummy worms.
It's things like that that go with you everywhere in life, no matter where we are, who we're trying to become, or who thinks what about us. Some moments that you have had and are going to have are going to be worth more to you than anything you can imagine. Some experiences you're going to have can't be traded for anything in the world. Some things are just going to be worth everything. Without places that make you smile, memories that make you cry, and people you would die for, life just wouldn't be worth it. Humans were created to live. To be passionate about living. To find things worth living for. Dying for anything is easy, cam. Living for something takes more courage and strength than anything in the world. I dare you to live to be passionate about life. Experience everything you can, be everything you can, make a difference in as many peoples lives as you can. Live to love. And with that love, give life to everything around you.
Love you, as always.
Dee
http://deanna.blogs.xmlhead.com/
As you don't update this nearly as often as you should I'm hacking it.
Remember that day in NYC? I had the time of my life. Running around on the roof of your apartment. Watching a kid laugh as you dropped money all over the street outside of the theatre. Drinking water from wine glasses. Gummy worms.
It's things like that that go with you everywhere in life, no matter where we are, who we're trying to become, or who thinks what about us. Some moments that you have had and are going to have are going to be worth more to you than anything you can imagine. Some experiences you're going to have can't be traded for anything in the world. Some things are just going to be worth everything. Without places that make you smile, memories that make you cry, and people you would die for, life just wouldn't be worth it. Humans were created to live. To be passionate about living. To find things worth living for. Dying for anything is easy, cam. Living for something takes more courage and strength than anything in the world. I dare you to live to be passionate about life. Experience everything you can, be everything you can, make a difference in as many peoples lives as you can. Live to love. And with that love, give life to everything around you.
Love you, as always.
Dee
http://deanna.blogs.xmlhead.com/
Friday, September 10, 2010
Aware
I know who THEY are.
If you're reading this, you do too. I've been searching for answers for awhile now. It seems like I'm asking MORE questions now that I know this.
Where are you Morpheus? I don't know what else to call you. I know you've been watching me; waiting. I want to meet you. I want the truth; It doesn't matter how long it takes, or how dark it is - I need to know.
How far down does the rabbit hole go?
Can I get out? Can they come with?
As long as I'm here - can ALL the rules be bent and broken?
Why me? Why us?
how many of us are there?
Who pulls all the strings? Is it benevolent or malevolent?
Will I ever be able to understand all of it?
why has it taken so long to find out so little?
When does it end
If you're reading this, you do too. I've been searching for answers for awhile now. It seems like I'm asking MORE questions now that I know this.
Where are you Morpheus? I don't know what else to call you. I know you've been watching me; waiting. I want to meet you. I want the truth; It doesn't matter how long it takes, or how dark it is - I need to know.
How far down does the rabbit hole go?
Can I get out? Can they come with?
As long as I'm here - can ALL the rules be bent and broken?
Why me? Why us?
how many of us are there?
Who pulls all the strings? Is it benevolent or malevolent?
Will I ever be able to understand all of it?
why has it taken so long to find out so little?
When does it end
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The world
We're all here in a big playground where we can be with each other or choose not to. We can pick up our toys and move to a different area with other playmates if we choose to, or we stay in the same place if things are going good. Some kids are at the top of the jungle gym and they help their friends get up. Some are left standing on the mulch wondering who to play with next. Some go and play by themselves in the corner because there's one else to play with. Others go and tattle on each other - they'll tell mommy, daddy, teacher, or friends in hopes that they'll get comfort and maybe some form of revenge.
The best of us choose to play by ourselves AND with others. We don't tattle on each other, we just laugh it off and move on. We follow the rules we know are good for us - breaking the stupid ones; fully conscious of the risk. We don't use our strength, our words, or our toys to hurt other people when we can avoid it. We can be loud when we want to and we know when to stay quiet. We stand up for our friends and help them to share our successes, avoiding our mistakes. We're not jealous of those who have more than us. We do this because we love ourselves and our playmates.
I'm trying to become that kind of person. I was one of the worst of us, hell, sometimes I still am. I know the key ingredient, though, that it takes to make the 'best' kind - that's the ability to laugh off whatever comes our way.
Thank you all, for everything.
I love you.
The best of us choose to play by ourselves AND with others. We don't tattle on each other, we just laugh it off and move on. We follow the rules we know are good for us - breaking the stupid ones; fully conscious of the risk. We don't use our strength, our words, or our toys to hurt other people when we can avoid it. We can be loud when we want to and we know when to stay quiet. We stand up for our friends and help them to share our successes, avoiding our mistakes. We're not jealous of those who have more than us. We do this because we love ourselves and our playmates.
I'm trying to become that kind of person. I was one of the worst of us, hell, sometimes I still am. I know the key ingredient, though, that it takes to make the 'best' kind - that's the ability to laugh off whatever comes our way.
Thank you all, for everything.
I love you.
Friday, September 3, 2010
it's so obvious!
Why didn't I see it before? who cares? it doesn't matter
nothing matters
nothing really matters
not your job, not your public appearance, and certainly not your ego. not your family, not your friends, and YOU don't matter
don't you get it? nothing's serious
it's a joke. ALL OF IT! it's a joke that only a few people in this world will ever get, and when they do, they laugh from then till the end of eternity
think about it - you can't even get out of here alive! why should you care about what a stranger thinks about you? or what your parents and relationships think?
you are who you are. your ego is what you've learned to be. it's not YOU
you are a baby who's learned to be human
start acting like a baby again. why do they smile so often? because they get that NOTHING is serious.
i'd like to thank the academy ^^
you love me! oh you really love me!
the mask is a great movie, did I mention that? columbia's a great school. deanna's a great friend. Emily's great. mom's great. dad's great. kira's great.
none of it's real, though. it's all in your head
it's up to YOU, bub, to wake up =D
nothing matters
nothing really matters
not your job, not your public appearance, and certainly not your ego. not your family, not your friends, and YOU don't matter
don't you get it? nothing's serious
it's a joke. ALL OF IT! it's a joke that only a few people in this world will ever get, and when they do, they laugh from then till the end of eternity
think about it - you can't even get out of here alive! why should you care about what a stranger thinks about you? or what your parents and relationships think?
you are who you are. your ego is what you've learned to be. it's not YOU
you are a baby who's learned to be human
start acting like a baby again. why do they smile so often? because they get that NOTHING is serious.
i'd like to thank the academy ^^
you love me! oh you really love me!
the mask is a great movie, did I mention that? columbia's a great school. deanna's a great friend. Emily's great. mom's great. dad's great. kira's great.
none of it's real, though. it's all in your head
it's up to YOU, bub, to wake up =D
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