I really DON'T have to prove anything to anyone. It's my life - why should I care what other people think about it? Someone who lives their life completely beholden to the public doesn't live a life at all. I thought i'd learned that by now.
So i'll finish my book. I'll go to school and get good grades. I'll do my business thing and invent a cool gadget here or there; same plan as always. What's different is, I actually have time to slow down and appreciate it. I can look at it for MYSELF, and be proud of it. That's where self-esteem should come from in the first place.
Thank you for showing me that. I'm at a much greater state of peace than I was yesterday, and I'm completely okay with the way things are now.
We really need to chat more often <3
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
To clarify
The reason I'm so stuck on this right now is loneliness. I hate being alone more than anything else in the world; isolation means death. Social death. Spiritual death. But it seems like outside of school, hanging out with friends or spending time with family, the only times I don't feel alone is when I'm with a girl.
Maybe it's a form of neediness on my part. Why would it take THAT to make me feel okay with the world? But maybe it isn't neediness. I'm not talking about seeing someone every time I come home, or spending all my time with them or what have you. I'm talking about the once or twice a day text that lets you know someone notices you. That you're not just another face in the crowd. That alone would get me out of bed and through the day - every day. I would reciprocate; I want the people I love to feel just as content and loved as I am.
But that doesn't happen. On facebook, at school, and on the streets, people live in the backstage world - interacting with each other in study groups, at lunch tables, at parties. On their blackberries and smart phones. They look at me and see a ghost. A spectre that wears alien clothing, has a cheap phone, and talks different from them. Because of that; you know all that talk about 'safety nets' and 'social networks'? They don't exist for me.
The metaphysical scientist, looking though his microscope at me, would see someone in a constant cycle of mania, self-doubt and sexual frustration. What gets me through the day is knowing that people WILL remember me if i'm productive enough. If I make my mark by doing what Michelangelo, Pasteur and Tesla did in their day; redefining the world around them.
Maybe it's a form of neediness on my part. Why would it take THAT to make me feel okay with the world? But maybe it isn't neediness. I'm not talking about seeing someone every time I come home, or spending all my time with them or what have you. I'm talking about the once or twice a day text that lets you know someone notices you. That you're not just another face in the crowd. That alone would get me out of bed and through the day - every day. I would reciprocate; I want the people I love to feel just as content and loved as I am.
But that doesn't happen. On facebook, at school, and on the streets, people live in the backstage world - interacting with each other in study groups, at lunch tables, at parties. On their blackberries and smart phones. They look at me and see a ghost. A spectre that wears alien clothing, has a cheap phone, and talks different from them. Because of that; you know all that talk about 'safety nets' and 'social networks'? They don't exist for me.
The metaphysical scientist, looking though his microscope at me, would see someone in a constant cycle of mania, self-doubt and sexual frustration. What gets me through the day is knowing that people WILL remember me if i'm productive enough. If I make my mark by doing what Michelangelo, Pasteur and Tesla did in their day; redefining the world around them.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Must I choose?
I just had the most productive two or three days of my life. Everything's coming together as it should be; I've got housing applications filled out for NYU, i've got my bike 99% fixed, my band up to date and my book on schedule. Oh - and I'm running as fast as ever.
By all accounts, I should be happy. I should be THRILLED. But i'm not, because there's one thing that's missing from this list; something i'm starting to think i'll never have again.
It's the feeling that someone out there loves you. Knowing that you love and ARE loved in return. I haven't felt that since I was with Bri. I was SUCH an idiot to break up with her.
I just want to feel close to a girl again. Must I choose between that and being successful in life?
By all accounts, I should be happy. I should be THRILLED. But i'm not, because there's one thing that's missing from this list; something i'm starting to think i'll never have again.
It's the feeling that someone out there loves you. Knowing that you love and ARE loved in return. I haven't felt that since I was with Bri. I was SUCH an idiot to break up with her.
I just want to feel close to a girl again. Must I choose between that and being successful in life?
Monday, April 18, 2011
What if
What if, deep down, all of us - even you adults out there - are just kids?
I got to thinking about this after watching "Win Win", a movie about a New Jersey lawyer trying to keep his struggling practice afloat. Other aspects of the movie aside, the way that the lawyer (Mike) deals with his problems is rather... childish. The way his wife reacts to news and unexpected events in her life is also childish, and the way that Kyle - the teenage protagonist in the movie - deals with his problems with is mother is DECIDEDLY childish.
As to specific examples, I can't think of that many right now. Other reviewers can do that quite competently, but what I want you guys to keep in mind is; you are childish too, to some degree. So what separates you from other children? What makes you special? Well, for one thing, what makes you SMART is the way you deal with your problems. Do you deny that they exist? Do you lie about them? Or do you do the adult thing and try to re-frame them in your mind, maybe crack a joke or two about it, and then set about trying to FIX them?
THAT is what makes an adult, an adult. If you do not actively work to recognize and fix the problems in your life, you are mentally a child. So you can boil this message down into one sentence; take responsibility for your life by actively engaging with it. THAT is what makes you different from rats in a maze.
I got to thinking about this after watching "Win Win", a movie about a New Jersey lawyer trying to keep his struggling practice afloat. Other aspects of the movie aside, the way that the lawyer (Mike) deals with his problems is rather... childish. The way his wife reacts to news and unexpected events in her life is also childish, and the way that Kyle - the teenage protagonist in the movie - deals with his problems with is mother is DECIDEDLY childish.
As to specific examples, I can't think of that many right now. Other reviewers can do that quite competently, but what I want you guys to keep in mind is; you are childish too, to some degree. So what separates you from other children? What makes you special? Well, for one thing, what makes you SMART is the way you deal with your problems. Do you deny that they exist? Do you lie about them? Or do you do the adult thing and try to re-frame them in your mind, maybe crack a joke or two about it, and then set about trying to FIX them?
THAT is what makes an adult, an adult. If you do not actively work to recognize and fix the problems in your life, you are mentally a child. So you can boil this message down into one sentence; take responsibility for your life by actively engaging with it. THAT is what makes you different from rats in a maze.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Human Spirit
Monday morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
they could not take your pride
in the name of love
Hope is the most powerful weapon in the world. With it, people will fight with the last breath in their body to defend their homes and family. Without it, those same people would give up before the battle even began.
We all make mistakes. We all have flaws that we don't like, and would like to remove if possible. Today, I want you to know that you are NOT defined by your mistakes. You're defined by your successes, your friends and family. At the most basic level, you are who you think you are.
Don't let ANYONE'S opinion of you change your behavior. YOU are your own master.
As soon as you realize that, you are capable of anything.
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
they could not take your pride
in the name of love
Hope is the most powerful weapon in the world. With it, people will fight with the last breath in their body to defend their homes and family. Without it, those same people would give up before the battle even began.
We all make mistakes. We all have flaws that we don't like, and would like to remove if possible. Today, I want you to know that you are NOT defined by your mistakes. You're defined by your successes, your friends and family. At the most basic level, you are who you think you are.
Don't let ANYONE'S opinion of you change your behavior. YOU are your own master.
As soon as you realize that, you are capable of anything.
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