So who makes the presents - really?
We used to have our own workshops and factories in the North Pole, but we've outsourced most of our labor force: the elves mostly handle the gift wrapping and delivery logistics these days.
Have there been any layoffs?
Ho ho ho! No need! The elves don't need wages - they're immortal, and they eat the same diet as my reindeer. They also enjoy working just for the heck of it: we've been in business now for two thousand years, and they don't want to stop.
How, exactly, do you decide who's naughty and who's nice?
I've always crowd-sourced people's opinion of others. If your friends think you're nice, then so do I. If they think you're naughty... watch out.
But nobody gets coal anymore in their stockings, right?
Worse: they get fruit cake gift baskets.
I see. So what country is the most difficult to get presents for?
Right now, I'd say France; whatever I make for the French, their grinch of a president insists on taking 3/4ths of it for himself.
Do you get upset if people forget to leave cookies and milk?
Yes I do! In fact, if they do, I 'forget' to leave one of their presents under their tree.
What if they leave out beer instead of milk?
Then you'll get TWO extra presents that year. Santa likes to get hammered.
Do you ever leave notes for people, if they've been especially good or bad?
Not anymore: otherwise it'd be all over the internet the day after Christmas. Santa prefers to keep his privacy.
What do you do if the kids are awake?
I try to stay hidden as best as possible, or at least blend in with the tree. Mrs. Claus made me a camo suit recently, to help me out in those situations.
What if all else fails and a kid sees you?
That's why Santa keeps a tranquilizer gun in his sleigh.
We used to have our own workshops and factories in the North Pole, but we've outsourced most of our labor force: the elves mostly handle the gift wrapping and delivery logistics these days.
Have there been any layoffs?
Ho ho ho! No need! The elves don't need wages - they're immortal, and they eat the same diet as my reindeer. They also enjoy working just for the heck of it: we've been in business now for two thousand years, and they don't want to stop.
How, exactly, do you decide who's naughty and who's nice?
I've always crowd-sourced people's opinion of others. If your friends think you're nice, then so do I. If they think you're naughty... watch out.
But nobody gets coal anymore in their stockings, right?
Worse: they get fruit cake gift baskets.
I see. So what country is the most difficult to get presents for?
Right now, I'd say France; whatever I make for the French, their grinch of a president insists on taking 3/4ths of it for himself.
Do you get upset if people forget to leave cookies and milk?
Yes I do! In fact, if they do, I 'forget' to leave one of their presents under their tree.
What if they leave out beer instead of milk?
Then you'll get TWO extra presents that year. Santa likes to get hammered.
Do you ever leave notes for people, if they've been especially good or bad?
Not anymore: otherwise it'd be all over the internet the day after Christmas. Santa prefers to keep his privacy.
What do you do if the kids are awake?
I try to stay hidden as best as possible, or at least blend in with the tree. Mrs. Claus made me a camo suit recently, to help me out in those situations.
What if all else fails and a kid sees you?
That's why Santa keeps a tranquilizer gun in his sleigh.
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