To clarify

The reason I'm so stuck on this right now is loneliness. I hate being alone more than anything else in the world; isolation means death. Social death. Spiritual death. But it seems like outside of school, hanging out with friends or spending time with family, the only times I don't feel alone is when I'm with a girl.

Maybe it's a form of neediness on my part. Why would it take THAT to make me feel okay with the world? But maybe it isn't neediness. I'm not talking about seeing someone every time I come home, or spending all my time with them or what have you. I'm talking about the once or twice a day text that lets you know someone notices you. That you're not just another face in the crowd. That alone would get me out of bed and through the day - every day. I would reciprocate; I want the people I love to feel just as content and loved as I am.

But that doesn't happen. On facebook, at school, and on the streets, people live in the backstage world - interacting with each other in study groups, at lunch tables, at parties. On their blackberries and smart phones. They look at me and see a ghost. A spectre that wears alien clothing, has a cheap phone, and talks different from them. Because of that; you know all that talk about 'safety nets' and 'social networks'? They don't exist for me.

The metaphysical scientist, looking though his microscope at me, would see someone in a constant cycle of mania, self-doubt and sexual frustration. What gets me through the day is knowing that people WILL remember me if i'm productive enough. If I make my mark by doing what Michelangelo, Pasteur and Tesla did in their day; redefining the world around them.