Convergence

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I wear my heart on my sleeves. What can I say? That's how I allow myself to identify with people, to enjoy a good time with them, and over time; to bond with them. That goes for teachers, students (yes I have some), friends, my family once upon a time, and girls. Let me be perfectly clear; I was not always like this. In sixth grade, I was bullied and hurt in so many ways that I couldn't take it anymore. I became withdrawn, sullen, overweight, and angry at everybody I knew and met. No one could understand me; I had a poker face before Lady Gaga even THOUGHT to write that song. I changed schools - 7th and 8th grade were worse. Gained more weight and became angrier. Started listening to metal. Then death metal. Then started looking for the most intense, hateful, mind-twisting music I could find. I was so antisocial that I preferred to sneak out to the back of the school and read Pendragon while sitting next to stray cats during lunch, rather than endure the cafeteria.

Oddly enough, that quest stopped a little in Freshman year. I made friends. My grades improved. My family life was Ideal; while I lived in New Jersey, I could visit my mom on the weekends in New York and play the tourist for a couple days (This was before they got divorced). It regressed in tenth grade as I got stuck with some VERY crappy teachers and a not-so-friendly set of classmates. After christmas, I discover out of nowhere that my mom is intent on divorcing my dad. That's when the drugs, the scum friends, and the self-loathing came in one after another in the span of a few weeks. Took up smoking cigarettes, pot, started drinking, and stayed out till all hours raising hell. Got so bad I ran away from home and stayed with a friend for two days. I just couldn't handle things anymore. My parents still cared about me, oddly, and they hated to see me react like this. My dad suggested I look for a private school in the city and apply - both parents would cooperate to pay for it according to how much they made.

Thanks to them, I went from a 3.0 average in sophomore year to a 3.9 this year. I listen to rock and roll, hip-hop, and pop on a regular basis, choosing to ignore metal unless I'm angry or going for a run. I've made friends at school that i'd follow through hell and back If they asked me to. I took up acting and singing again - doing 'Sweeney Todd' was one of the proudest things i've ever done. I'm closer than ever to both my parents, my sister, and my extended family. I'm physically fit: I ran the NYC marathon last November and I'm training to run twice that distance by fall. Most importantly, in social events, I stopped being the guy that sat in the corner. I went out to parties when allowed, I befriended everyone I could at school, and I tried my hand at romance again. Never allowed myself to until this year; the first attempt failed miserably and the second one backfired. I didn't give up and I didn't go back into my turtle shell - that would've been to admit failure - so when a friend mentioned the possibility of random hookups (wink) and compatible identities, I jumped at the opportunity. The end result of that Is the longest and most emotionally fulfilling relationship I've ever been in, and I thank God every DAY for it. For her. For her being in my life.

Yes, it was a weird introduction. Yes, we've suffered because of past mistakes trusting the opposite sex. That makes no difference in how I feel about her. I am not upset, confused, or bothered at all by the fact that she can't say 'I love you'; that's what messy breakups do to people. I'd noticed it before and wondered, but now that I know why I can empathize with what happened, and I am content. I'll bear my soul again and again, and I'll let my heart get broken by whomever chooses to do so. Why? Because In my line of experience, It's VASTLY better to have loved and been hurt than to not have loved at all. It makes life FUN! It makes things INTERESTING, and you know something else? This is what's good for my emotional health. Whatever's going to happen in the future will happen; I'm not afraid to love.